Devastated,
I, too, am sorry for your loss. I have no similar story to share with child-bearing, but I have been through two divorces as well, and I do know pain of some kind. I hope you don't take offense at my wanting to offer any advice since I don't know what it's like to carry a child, but your story touched my heart and I wanted to do anything I could.
When bad times hit me (which tend to make me focus on everything that is horribly wrong - which is SO natural), the thing that always perks my spirit even in the smallest bit is thinking, "It could have been worse." This does two things: (1) It forces you to stop looking at the big ugly trees in your immediate vision and broadens your view of the perhaps more calming view of the forest beyond it and (2) It takes a bit of the edge of your immediate emotions, which, if left unchecked, can cause you to spiral further down.
Let's look at the things you focused on (the "trees"), and then maybe take a peek around them at the forest. By the way, I'm not forgetting that it's very natural to have focused on these things that have caused you pain.
1. "I miscarried at 10 weeks on the 13th of December..."
2. "There are babies and happy families everywhere..."
3. "I'm not feeling 'christmasy'..."
4. "I also have two failed marriages behind me..."
5. "I still have stitches and bruises all over from the surgery..."
6. "The father, who used to be a friend, has been 100% absent..."
Whew! No wonder you were/are feeling so depressed. Anyone in their right mind
would under these circumstances. If there is even one shred of hope of feeling anything positive right now, perhaps it would give you an iota of comfort to know at least what you're feeling is normal. Many depressed people don't have any ONE of things things going on in their lives, and they, too, feel helpless and hopeless. At least you've had reason to feel what you feel.
Another step in down the positive path is in planting a firm foot past the holidays. I don't like 'em either, personally. But in your case, at least we can already cross #3 (above) off the list of things causing you to be down and stay down.
If you're still with me, perhaps we can keep dissecting the other things:
#6 - That jerk who took off and turned his back on responsibility for creating a life. What an a$$. As soon as your baby could start piecing together the fact that some kids have both mommies and daddies but he/she was different, he/she would have felt a loss of some kind. Think of the baby and what it may be like to grow up with a dad who took off (I know there are lots of people who have the same experience and grow up okay, but does one more similar life experience make it easier for him/her to deal with? No.) The best remedy I can prescribe for dealing with the loss (if you want to think of it as a loss) of the jerk is to
live life well. That means reaching inside yourself and re-kindling a relationship with
you. Focus on
you. Do you like McDonald's french fries? Start as small as that! Do you like hot buttered popcorn at the movies? Go see one. Do you like to travel? Plan to get out of town, either with a friend or by yourself (I've escaped to New York City, Mexico, and other places all by myself). Just focus on things you like.
#4 -- Two failed marriages. Me too. First one cheated, second one abused me mentally and physically. Best news for you is that you're
only 32. If you want to have another relationship, you're plenty young enough to have another. But not until you've healed you. Even if you were 50 years old, you'd still be a great candidate for another relationship - why? - because you seem to have the heart and emotion to know what's wrong inside you, to be able to express it, and hopefully you'll find ways to heal. Some people don't have those characteristics and will always stay inside themselves with wounds that never heal and will never make a good relationship partner again. You don't have to think about marriage, per se...having a relationship without marriage can be just as rewarding as one without that piece of paper. Bottom line is that another one
will come along -- you just need to have taken inventory and be emotionally, mentally right when it does.
#2 - Babies and happy families everywhere? Okay, perhaps...but also SO many miserable ones. Ever take a look at
www.truemomconfessions.com? Sure, you'll see some happy moms. But also sift through the ones who hate their lives. The ones whose husbands turn out to be either dead-beat dads, totally absent, or worse - abusive. This sentiment goes back to what I said earlier on where your focus lies. When you come across a "happy family," realize that you're taking of snapshot of them in that moment of their lives. And good for them - people should have happiness in their lives. But for the people who are firmly grounded, they don't get their happiness from their families -- not their kids, not their spouses. They are happy, first, with themselves. And being happy with yourself doesn't just happen, so don't think, "Well I'm not happy with myself," and leave it at that. It takes work. Books, journaling, counseling...some people ask for help from God. Whatever and however you seek it. But it's there.
#5 - Still have stitches and bruises -- you'll heal. You're in pain now, but thanks to the miracle powers of the otherwise healthy body you're so lucky to have, all of it will heal. Again, it could be worse -- you're not crippled for life, you don't have a terminal illness, and you're not blind, deaf or mute. Let hope seep inside you as you realize that your physical condition is only temporary, and you'll be able to cross #5 off your list in a short time.
#1 - Your miscarriage: Since I don't have experience with this, I advise you to follow the advice of others. Don't stop seeking counseling with one unreturned phone call. Counseling is not going to knock on your door or phone you up; you must continue to track it down. With your post, you already have. You're seeking counsel from other women, so feel good in the fact that you indeed
have not yet given up, by way of your own actions.
One more bit of advice:
1. I cannot possibly stress the importance of journaling. Consider treating yourself to a trip to Barnes & Noble and Starbucks. Pick out a blank journal you consider to be your own autobiography on "How I Came Out of the Dark" or "My Recovery Story." You're the most important person in your life, no matter what anyone else thinks, and you owe it to yourself to document your true feelings and to see yourself progress. Other people would argue with my statement of your being the most important person in your life - especially mothers who chime in with "No, your children are more important." I disagree. Your children cannot do the things for you that you can do for yourself. They CAN be joys in your life, and you can
experience happiness with them, but they cannot GIVE you joy, grace, happiness, self-respect, self-esteem, self-worth and a firm understanding of who you really are, what you really like, and what you really want. These things can only come from inside you if you muster the courage to do the housecleaning necessary to first find/discover them and then improve on them.
Devastated, this is the longest post I've ever created on this Web site. Your story, your life, and the things you're experiencing really grabbed me, and if just one thing I've expressed to you helps, I will be so glad for you. Even one thing - it could be those french fries - is one more thing to be happy about and look forward to than you had before.
Arms around you with hugs,
Angela
5 days previous I had to have emergency surgery to remove to ginormous cysts from my ovaries (one on each :/) so I was on bedrest. Feeling good on December 24th i decided i could probably accomplish some xmas shopping since I was in the hospital the previous 4 days so my husband pushed me around walmart in a wheelchair. When the doctor pulled my baby out of me on the 26th he said it was because of my xmas shopping that the baby died.
