BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Many People Don't Understand What Childfree Means

That uncomfortable position you are all talking about avoiding is the position I'm in.

I never wanted to get involved with a guy with a kid, but I did. He's the best man to ever come into my life, and worth it, but part of me views step-parenting his daughter and helping to pay the child support as the "price" of getting him. She's an OK kid, despite her mother's influence, though, and she's known me since she was a toddler, so we get along pretty good... in our own way. But I dread the teen years.

A lot of people also think that CF means you haven't had kids "yet". They don't understand that CF is permanent freedom.

Firstly I onced dated a guy with two kids but he was a bit naughty and didn't tell me about the kids until at LEAST the third date! And I'd even been to his home and everything!
I got on with the kids OK although it was weird seeing him act less boyfriend like and more father like!
The kids are not why we broke up.
But the kids were only 7 and 9, I think if they were teens it would probably be a VERY different story!
And..
Secondly,
Mike unfortunately I can relate! A while ago I put on a dating site about not wanting kids. And one guy asked why (by email) so I started explaning and his emails got more and more hostile!
But I had made it VERY clear in my profile and I thought OK so you know I don't want kids and you either want them or have them (or both?) So OBVIOUSLY Durr brain, I am NOT the woman for YOU, move ON already! I was still religious then and it was a religious dating site, not that all religious people are the same, of course, but maybe that didn't help!

Oh yeah, that sounds familiar. Which is why Mike's approach is the best ...

1. You didn't even take the time to read my profile. Delete.
2. You think you and your kids are so wonderful I'll change my mind. I won't. Delete.
3. You're trolling me. Delete.

I answered one email, because the guy sounded intelligent and articulate, and he was. We back and forthed a few times, until he finally got it. In his last email he confessed that his nine year old daughter was special needs. Argh! I don't want to deal with any kids, much less a special needs one!

My absolute favourite, though, is Plenty of Fish's response to "do you have children" and "do you want children". "Prefer not to say". I'm sorry, but WTF does THAT mean? You don't KNOW? Or maybe you have and wish you HADN'T? Perhaps if you confessed to not wanting them, you'd be labelled one of those freak psycho CHILDFREE people? I can't even begin to fathom the logic in this reply!!

CookieCody: your brother is a saint! Because it's worse for the guys that marry a women with children. The mothers always get stuck with all or most of the responsibility.

Myrabeth: I know what you mean about the "price" of getting a good guy. My DH has some annoying family members, and the package is never perfect (my family is crazy like his, so that's the price he paid for me I guess.) But at least you don't have his child all the time. At least I think I remember you saying that in another post. I wonder if it's a little like being an aunt, because you can interact with the child, but ultimately it's not your responsibility. I know your guy is responsible, of course.

One of my good friends just got married at 41. She's a very successful and independent career woman. She waited until she found the right guy, and he's great...but, he has three daughters from a previous marriage. They are grown now, and the youngest is almost through college. And I know she's been contributing to putting the last one through college. But they don't see them that much, and it isn't too bad - especially since they are grown. But she's staunchly CF, and I believe she is even though she married someone with adult children. She feels exactly the way I do, and never wants kids of her own. She's been too busy doing other things.

I don't want to depress anyone - but I thought I'd carry out a little research - you'll be pleased to know I've been putting my spare time to good use!
I did a general search on an Australian dating website - anyone can carry out a search, you don't have to be registered to look at the profiles - you must register though, to make contact.
No, I'm not looking...but Mike's experience has aroused my curiosity.
I searched for men with no kids, who don't want any kids within 100 kilometers of my home - age range 35-50 - I got 36 profiles, that's it....if I take out the smokers that leaves 25 and that's before I look at interests etc.
I put the same information into the system looking for a woman with no kids and not wanting kids - 24 profiles...
If you change the criteria to "Undecided" for kids the number of eligible males jumps to 540+ and 245 for females - the vast majority of women on the site seem to have kids or want kids (or more kids in some cases) and most men as well although, there are a fair few "Undecided" males...
If you look for males and females who have kids and don't want any more - quite a few profiles appear...
I was surprised that a number of females aged 44 or more put down "Undecided" about having kids - I would have thought at 44 the decision has been made for you.
So, it seems if you're CF and want to stay that way your available pool of potential partners is quite small - on this dating site anyway...still it does enable you to get to the most suitable profiles quickly rather than scrolling through 50 pages of profiles.
I think it might be easier to just invite the 25 CF non smokers over for a BBQ and see what happens...
I hadn't fully appreciated that we are all members of a VERY exclusive club - maybe, we need a secret handshake or should hold an annual gathering of the CF - something very decadent with seriously good wine - held in a different city each year - this would also, help our single members to meet someone like minded.
Now, that's a great idea!

Update: Had a closer look at the 25 CF non-smokers - discarding the ones that are unlikely to be compatible - I'm down to 6 men....that's 6 men within 100 kilometers of my home. Oh, dear....
I'd better stay on my husband's good side...

Welcome to our world. I think the odds were about the same on the site I belong to.

I have found, though, that of the "undecided" guys, about half want kids but don't want to appear desperate, and about half don't want kids but don't want to come across as child-haters. It would make life a lot easier if people just say what they mean!

I did a search on match and fitness-singles.com to see what other CF people are saying, in addition to checking the do not want kids box. My search range was ages 25 to 50, within 500 miles of where I live. I only found one statement from a guy.

I'm not going to reproduce. I don't want to raise anyone else's kids either. I'm not terribly fond of children and I don't think I'd make a good father. 33 YEAR OLD MAN

I found a dozen statements from CF women. Here are three really good ones:

1) And no kids. I made the decision to not have any and have gotten used to this lifestyle and would resent being tied down by a kid. Thought you should know that up front..... 36 YEAR OLD WOMAN

2) I am the person in the grocery store that shrinks two feet in height upon hearing a screaming child. I am an awesome aunt. I pick up my niece when I go home to NY, spoil her silly, & then with a smile on my face at the end of the day I gladly hand her back over to her mother / my sister. My cat is much easier to care for: I leave fresh food & water in her dishes every few days & in return I get unconditional love. 38 YEAR OLD WOMAN

3) If you have children, great for you. You are taking on a noble cause, however, I do not wish to date someone with kids. I'm sorry if I've offended anyone with this, but I tried dating men with children and it's WAY more stress on the relationship than is necessary. It just won't work. 37 YEAR OLD WOMAN

I know it was many years ago when I was searching, but my own personal experiences (from what I recall) indicate that a good majority of women are definitely sure, or are on the fence, about having kids. Very few women when asked said 'Absolutely no way.'

That is why when I found someone who matched with my want list, I made sure that she stays happy and content. If anything, finding a compatible partner who is truly CF is harder than finding the proverbial needle in the haystack. I guess that makes anyone in "our" position as CF truly appreciate those loved ones in our lives more so than others.