BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie here! (In case you need some light reading)

SO, SO happy to have found this site!

Up until the past year or so, having kids has always been something that was just expected or inevitable�like getting a driver�s license, going to college, getting married. One of those things that is only a matter of time until you do it and society and family expects it.

The impending �deadline� set forth by DH for reproducing has been looming over me like a big dreadful cloud for years. (He wants to start when he's done with school - he will be 33. It shouldn�t feel like that. I can honestly say I have never wanted to reproduce, it just felt like something that I had to do just for the sake of doing. In other words, it felt like producing babies was just one of those things that every woman has to go through.

The entire thing is completely foreign, awkward and downright annoying to me. I cannot stand any part of it. There has not been a single baby, baby shower, or conversation about babies that hasn�t made me feel like a complete alien. It really makes me feel bad sometimes that my own inability to relate to the whole process might come off as me being bitchy, stuck up, or inconsiderate. But you can't make 'em all happy.

Then I realized (and got up the courage to allow myself to believe) that I have a choice. Ah ha!! The truth is that everyone has a choice over what they do or don�t do in their lives. Seems like such a simple idea, but I think many people miss it! It�s such a simple idea, but when I actually came to believe that I could have one � I was energized, excited, and relieved. It just fills me with happiness to finally be accepting of my own thoughts. I feel liberated and free.

I have only recently come into my own and discovered that there are so many dreams, ambitions, and personal goals that I want to accomplish. Considering that I feel I have only really recently started �living�, it has been a short life so far! For me, it�s such a sacrifice to let go of all the things I really love and want to do and replace them with mothering � something I know I have no desire to do.

DH and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. You can imagine the number of conversations we've had asking "when are you going to start, already!" , including my lovely mom randomly calling to update me on which of my old classmates (with whom I have no connection with anymore) are having babies. And I should care why??

Needless to say, DH has held the assumption that "one day" when we were done with school and settled into our jobs, etc. -- we would start the family. He is aware that I am not excited about it, but I think he probably believes that with time I will want it. I have never told him directly that I DO NOT want to reproduce. We're a happy family right now, I have lists upon lists of reasons why I want to remain CF-- and no amount of lists can justify my reasoning better than saying, "I choose to remain CF." And I shouldn't feel the need to justify, but I do.

Which brings me to divulging this information in detail to DH and my fears about his response. He has made comments about "how we'll raise our kids" ands such, and I just basically sit in silence and then change the subject. Although lately he has mentioned, "maybe we won't even have any." I love him and want him to have everything in life, but this is where I draw the line. I REFUSE to give-in out of love-- wanting to give him something he wants, making his life "full", and whatever else he might think a child brings.

Sheesh, I am going on and on.

Yes, I know I need to talk to him. We're both in grad school right now, and there's just no good time (bad excuse, I know). But the next time he drops a comment about this, I will definitely start the discussion rather than changing the subject to vacation plans!

Thanks for reading! Looking forward to relinquishing my lurker status here!

Right on, Emily. Come in, have a seat, grab a thread, and start learning :-)

Happy you found the site, too, Emily!

We've seen quite a few married people post here who have a differing opinion on whether or not have kids. And yes, the bottom line is that you'll need to talk it out, of course.

The question of having kids is too often not addressed very well before people get married; or, even a difference surfaces before the wedding, one partner thinks the other will change.

Good luck, and remember you've always got us to write to! We're not kid-haters (most of us really like 'em -- just not as part of our daily private life!). We've simply made a choice to do other things with our time.

Welcome emilyJ, I'm glad you discovered that we do all have a choice. I've had too many friends say, it's just what you do. Get married and have kids. I wonder what percentage of people have kids just for this very reason or can't handle the pressure from family and friends. Stay strong. I also have the same problem with my mom telling me about my old high school classmates and their kids.

Welcome to the forum! My husband wants kids, he knows I don't, but thinks I'll change my mind. So I can kind of relate! This place is awesome, you'll get SOOO much support!

when my hubby and i got married 9 yrs. ago we thought a kid would be part of our future. when i firmly decided to be CF after much counseling and realizing like you that it's okay not to want to have kids i had a talk with my hubby. turns out my hubby could care less and said he would be fine either way. maybe it's sorta how your hubby feels. i agree though that you need to tell him how you feel. maybe he already senses how you feel and just is waiting for you to tell him. just a thought.

indigo

Welcome Emily! I share many of your feelings. I always thought it was inevitable too, but kept putting it off because, frankly, there always seems like something better to do. The pressure is enormous though, and people will say the rudest things. This forum is a lifesaver. Good luck with the big talk with your husband, and hope you keep delurking.

Wouldn't it be great if the men could have babies? Then they could live out their pregnancy fantasies all by themselves!

Talk to him, Emily! You may be pleasantly surprised at his reactions. And if the surprise isn't so pleasant, at least you'll know where each other stands. Be honest. Be straightforward. Be strong.

And feel welcome to come to us for support. We're glad you're here!

The reaction you may get from him may be more along your way of thinking than you believe. He may be saying that he wants kids just because "That's what everyone else does, therefore, we must do it." Many grown adults do not even realize that it is a choice. They need to be educated that yes, they DO have a choice in this matter.

It is not to say that it may be all easy. Maybe he is feeling pressure from his parents, or maybe all of his friends are having babies, and he does not want to be left out. If that is the only reason why he is pressuring you, then maybe you and he can work on answers to the "bingos" that you've been getting, and will be getting more of if/when you mention to others that you have decided not to have children. If he really is hard core for having children, there are other more concrete ways to get your point across, but they depend on the real reasons as to WHY he wants children...ie after "the talk."

Others are here in this forum who have gone through "the talk" before, so you are most definitely NOT alone in your angst!

Welcome to the forum - I have been coming here and reading/posting since May, when I found out that least likely of my friends to get pregnant had become pregnant unexpectedly. I really needed support at that time (and I still do), b/c I have started realizing that unlike so many people, I do not think that I want to have children, and I certainly do not want to do it because it's "just what you do". I think I am slowly but surely getting my DH to realize this as well.

Good luck, and thanks for adding yourself to the growing # of kindred spirits I have been finding on this board!