BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Cheating?

I don't think so I watch that with my partner.. we both love it.. but not all the time..

Trish, you sound bitter. Did this happen to you? As for your questions, you don't know me, so maybe I should fill you in.

I'm no idiot. I chose a man who actually wants a nurturing and loving relationship. He isn't trapped and he isn't just in it for the sex. I also chose a man who had a rather wild, hard partying past. He's sown his wild oats and is grateful to have outgrown all that. He's old enough and mature enough to be disgusted by his own wild years. He's now thirty something, career driven, and quite the homebody. I couldn't pay him to leave me.

The women in the porn he watches are already younger and more able bodied than I. So that's a non-issue. Let me explain: Nearly five years ago, when we had only been dating a couple of months, I suffered a serious knee injury. The relationship was young enough that he could have easily backed out and gone looking for a more sexually versatile mate. He didn't. I have arthritis and I've put on a lot of weight. I gained so much muscle in my upper body (compensating for a bad leg when lifting things will do that!) that I'm rather mannish around the shoulders. In short, my body shape and mobility are no longer anything like the svelte 21 year old he hooked up with. My body already has more in common with a 50-ish old married than any porn star. He's still here.

In short, if women would quit marrying the first joker to come along and actually choose their mates (that means to put some thought into it in the early stages, not rely exclusively on all that follow your heart garbage), and hash out the details of individual interests and their effect on the relationship early on (like porn, for example!), there wouldn't be so many fifty something men trading in their wives for younger models, or as much divorce at all, for that matter.

So no, I'm not worried. He likes watching a little porn. He probably always will. He's been doing that since long before he ever laid eyes on me. He still chose me. And he didn't let bedroom limitations drive him out. He stayed in a situation that those statistics you referred to would have left. Why? Because I didn't choose that kind of man. I chose a better one.

Glad it worked out for you.

Among many of my ex's faults was his porn. For him, though, the fantasy trancended reality. He wanted me to perform the acts he saw depicted, to include sex with multiple men, solo in front of him, etc etc. I told him this was not my style and he was upset that I didn't want to be part of his fantasy. Now, I am no prude, but these things crossed many moral and loyal lines for me. And then I found he had progressed into beastiality - and that is much too far in my opinion.

Dez

Dez,
I'm not so sure that the porn itself was at fault. If anything, it allowed him to explore those sides of him, and there's nothing wrong with that.

People are always in flux, and they allow themselves to grow in certain areas or not. He may not have known that he'd be drawn to that when he met you, but when he started feeling that he wanted to, it sounds like you two had a discussion. But, you were not interested in that. That doesn't make his likes better or worse than yours � they're just different.

Now, if he liked those from the beginning and didn't share that with you until after you were involved, that wasn't being very honest ... and that's a much bigger issue than wanting a menage a trois.

It is sad that people have to part, but if it's because their interests have grown apart, well, so be it. I wish you the best.

I am trying to determine if my husband is cheating or I am just crazy. My husband works in another town about 20 minutes from my home. he is of work at 5pm and never makes is home before 6. Recently he has started going to work early. If he is late getting home there is an excuse the second he walks in the door. We werent intamite for an entire month, this past month and when I asked him why his answer is that I am never here. I work until about 9pm every night. He will then say it is too late (but stays up until 1am watching tv, or playing video games). I use to check the history on the computer and then he installed a program to make it imposible for me to check. I am worried that he is cheating with someone at work or possibly in the town that he works in, what signs do I look for? Any Ideas? I need some help

Is it even possible to block the history from being checked?

Go into "TOOLS" on the Internet Explorer bar, scroll down to "Internet Options" and then scroll down to history and see what it is set at. You can set the days and such for items to remain in the history.

However, if they do make such a program and it is installed on your computer, go into the "Start" menu, go into "My Computer" and on your left normally there will be some boxes. Look for "Add/Remove Programs" click on it and a list will come up with all of the programs you have on your computer. Go to the program he installed and uninstall it.

Chances are, he won't know it right away, and you may have a day or two to check the history.

Other than that, check his cell phone for numbers that don't belong, watch for itemized cell phone bills, does he take a shower immediately when he comes home from work?

Is he more and more irritated with you each day?

Have a friend follow him home from work one day.

Of course an hour is not much time to really do anything. From the time he leaves work and when he gets home. You did say it is a twenty minute drive, which leaves forty minutes and that is with no traffic and if he leaves the job precisely at 5pm everyday.

He may be stuck talking with a friend or two for a few minutes before he leaves.

Well, I gave you the signs to look for that I can think of for right now so good luck and I hope it turns out that you were wrong.

The program actually erases all cookies and history, I did uninstall it the other day and now he just erases the history as soon as he is done on the computer, I saw yesterday that he was on a website called adultfriendfinder and I asked him about it and my answer was that it was a pop up. He use to have a personal add on there. Even after we got married 5 years ago he was still active with his account. i erased his account on there aswell as on lavalife. He changes his work shirts as soon as he gets home and at his last job he would wear his uniform all night after work, he is always irritated with me now. It seems like he avoids me at all costs, doesnt talk to me anymore. I am not sure what to do

I felt the need to jump in on this one....I am in the military and have spent many long trips away from my better half..the most recent one was a year in Korea. While being surrounded by people that were being unfaithfull because their spouse was on the other side of the planet, I turned to porn. Does that mean I was cheating on my wife? Absolutely not. I found an alternative that fit my morals much better.

And besides men arn't going to stop masturbating...period. We just do it..whats more "emotionally cheating"? Watching pornography and using that as the fuel for the imagination. Some woman who we are almost guaranteed to never meet and have any interaction with. Or just straight using our imagination, which is ussually going to be filled with old-flames, co-workers, women that walked by on the street, etc.

And what about relationships where one side has a much higher sex drive than the other..is that person cheating every time they "take care of themselves"? Isn't that better than pressuring their lover into unwanted sex?

IMHO
Skeeter

im not talking about porn online, that doesnt bother me, Im talking about having a personal ad on a dating website and looking for women that are in the same town where he works. Porn isnt the issue or concern

That doesn't qualify as porn in my book...so i would agree with you. I think the "correct" definition of porn would be purely adult entertainment that has an off button. If there is any form of active communication involved, even something as harmless as a post like the one I am writing, then you are crossing a boundry. I feel that posting, texting, calling, emailing, writing, talking is all the same thing. Communication is communication despite the medium employed. Looking for women is his hometown is a clear flag being raised. As for the personal ad..be carefull..although I would probably call BS if it hadn't happened to me, but 2 years after giving completely up one of those online dating sights and a year into being married, I was still receiving constant emails and updates from the site, despite my best efforts to block it. I ended up having to call, and call, and call to finally talk to managment and get myself removed..but it did work. Odds are that may not be the case, but its possible.

And as for the hiding of cookies and history..thats bs. I have a program that deletes history and cookies, and it gets turned on whenever my nieces come to visit, simply because I'm an adult and they arn't. (I don't even see them understanding a post like this) But as for hiding things from my wife, nevery happen. We have both given each other our email passwords, but I can honestly say I havn't gone snooping. But I don't feel the need to because she isn't hiding anything from me.

And something semi-simple that may work to see what is going on with the husband. (my sister used this to catch her ex): Check his mileage before he heads out the door (assuming you know how far it is to work) then invite him to join you for lunch (odds are if he is cheating he will say that he can't that he has to work) and then check the mileage when he gets home. It should add up to a roundtrip home-work-home, give or take a few miles. If it's 20 miles off then you have an extra unaccounted for trip in the middle there.

I have never been one for spying on a spouse, but if the trust is allready at question, I think it's better to just find out once and for all.



Skeeter