BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Do I stay or do I go?

"What concerns me is that he is unwilling to tell you why he has changed his mind. I would want to know what is going on in his mind, if his not wanting to have children is only because he wants it to remain you and he, then thats one thing but if he doesn't want to have children because he doesn't want the ties that bind a person past divorce then I think you should know that before you stay with him and give up having children. I don't know your husband and I don't mean to insinuate he is a bad person but you need to know where you stand with him. Good luck and I hope you can work things out in a way that makes you happy."

I agree very much with Lisa_Orlando here. Fine, he doesn't want kids but he should at least be telling you WHY. My husband and I have talked about the kid thing because while HE was the ambivalent one, I have been pretty much childfree most of my life (although there HAVE been times I've thought about kids but rarely.) It IS hard sometimes to talk about your reasons with your spouse/significant other cos you worry how they will be taken. And what the other person will think of you. And whether they will feel hurt and leave! etc etc. But how are you supposed to understand if he won't let you?

You may already be doing this but try to approach this as non-confrontationally (is that even a WORD?!) as you can, ask him but in as gentle and understanding way possible, like you're genuinely interested but not like you're judging him.

And I know it's hard but you need to ask yourself this and really think about it - and there's no rush but you can't avoid it either but you need to be pretty sure - if you DO have to choose would it be have kids or keep your husband. A horrible choice to have to make, I know. My husband had to. I sometimes think what if he left me when older to find someone with kids, but then again now he's become pretty childfree and happy himself!

Examine both sides of the coin - having kids and not having kids. Read mommy blogs and childfree blogs and lists the pros and cons of both having kids and not and make your own decision what YOU want.

As a couple, you DON'T have to talk about EVERYTHING. Like my husband is Muslim and while I was Christian when we married, I am now into New Thought and witchcraft! Hubby knows all that and he knows I'm never converting to Islam either (because of theological reasons, the same with the biggest reason I left Christianity) and he's fine with that but one day he asked did I believe in God and I said not really or something and he was shocked! (I DO believe in a higher power but I have different names for it and I also believe in the power within.) So I decided better not to talk about THAT part of my beliefs with him, so I talk about it to people who are more like-minded on THAT belief instead!

But the kid issue, is, I'm sorry to say, something you really DO need to talk about. WHY?

Because it affects both of you.

For me I admit I DO think about the mixed parentage thing a bit too. He is Egyptian, and thus North-African, Arabic is his first language and like I said he is Muslim. I am from New Zealand, white, English is my first language and my beliefs are very different but my family is still Christian. For me I have qualms about the mixed beliefs - not even of us but having Muslim grandparents and Christian grandparents, I think both would try to influence the child! And Islamaphobia, would people be prejudice? They'd probably have a Muslim surname or a hyphenated Western-Muslim one! And they'd be half Egyptian.

But if it's just colour and some of the culture I don't see it as being a huge issue. And mixed children can be incredibly beautiful and teach us all about harmony!

You've talked about having children and he was fine so he was obviously initially happy about having a child with you, mixed parentage or not. But maybe he's just changing his mind about having children, maybe he IS just happy with things the way they are?

At one stage we thought maybe five years later we'd have kids but I soon decided HELL NO! You see initially I thought maybe when I was married and to "the One" I'd change my mind and WANT kids. But I haven't.

Also, what sort of things did he say etc. when you discussed the possibility you couldn't have kids?

I wish you two the best whatever you decide.

One more thing (sorry my reply is so long!) Some of us like a lot of changes in our lives and we don't like to have lots of commitments. I am like this. But it doesn't mean we can't find someone to love and stay with all our lives!
I am living in my 2nd country and already hubs and I are thinking of moving to a 3rd! (and maybe later a 4th and 5th!)
I don't like to be in one job to long cos I fear getting stuck in a rut (although this one's been five years and I have also had another one that lasted four!)
I had a few boyfriends before as well.
But I am sticking with hubby and happy with him and love him and are faithful to him so even though I NEED variety in my life in OTHER ways, it DOESN'T mean I can't love one person and be happy with them.
It's possible that your husband is like me in this respect.
It is also possible this is a sign he doesn't want to be committed but it's not definately a sign of that.
It's also possible he loves being with you so much he doesn't want to share you with a child!

That was what I meant. In a debate - where you have the yay side and the nay side - we'd be the nay side, or the negative view in response to the question.

I agree with you on the linkings to that article - some of the stuff that was being posted on there made my hair stand on end. It was a pretty shocking indictment of women.

shortcatmama this so exactly describes what I experienced. I'm constantly amazed and overjoyed with the thoughts expressed on this site. It's wonderful to find people who understand me almost better than myself.



Interesting point that hadn't really considered...scary. BUT, if it were me, and my husband decides he wants a divorce 10 years from now, I think I'd rather not have to be a single mother to a 10 year old at that point. So, there's that side of it. It's one thing to want a child, but it's a whole other thing to be a single parent, and I don't think most married people think ahead to that possibility, and how they feel about it. If that happened, I probably wouldn't have as fulfilling of a career anymore because I'd have scaled back to have a kid, and finding a new mate who wants a step kid is tricky (as we've talked about before). So, it can be looked at in many ways.

Frieda7, I couldn't agree more. I am always amazed how the majority of people have children with what appears to me to be little thought-just a blind assumption that everything will turn out okay. I am such a fatalist and always tend to see the risks of any choice-in the case of having children, a child born with a serious health condition, my marriage crumbling from the strain, etc. If I wanted children so passionately that I was willing to bear whatever the results were, then I would have them . . . but, for me, the risks outweigh the potential reward. I have two friends who are examples of this-one had to give up her high paying job to stay home full-time when two of her four children were diagnosed with autism and another whose husband left her and moved abroad in order to avoid paying child support. The former is very fortunate that her husband has a good job and can support them, but, as she says, it is very hard. The latter is barely surviving and would go under if not for the free child care provided by her parent. Neither ever expected to be in the circumstances they are in and both have spoken of what different choices they'd have made if they'd had to do it over again. That's why I think it's so important to make sure that you really want children before you have them and are willing to take whatever you get, because you never know what life has in store for you.

The Divorce rate in the US is now at 50%, in the case where a child with special needs is concerned, the divorce rate goes up to a STAGGERING 80%.

Thats what hit me in the face, I am 40 and always thought I might like to have another child but it never worked out, I have been single. Even if I met someone now, I don't want to take that kind of chance. I can't imagine how much time and energy that would take and how much it would take away from the one child I already have.

Shortcatmama and Frieda- I can so relate to this too. My first husband started to completely go off the idea of children, but I was in my 20s and quite career-focussed and I didn't worry about it too much. Then I had my second major relationship in London - six months into it he stated that he didn't want children. I then proceeded to waste a lot of time and energy trying to convince him to no avail - he ran off literally into the hills to live in a Bhuddist community and we broke up. When I met my second husband and he didn't want children, plus was infertile now and had a grown son, I thought "what is the universe doing to me?". We had some agonised conversations (tears, anger from me, the lot) in the early days of our relationship - in the end he said "look, I can do this; you are too important to me and it might be nice to have a little one around the house again". When he said that, my heart just melted. But then - aha - for the first time in my life I was given the green light and it was up to me to decide. Suddenly I freaked out. Did I really want this upheaval, all the struggle to get pregnant with IVF, or try to adopt or foster and go through all the horrible legal stuff, counselling etc, see our other goals and dreams go out the window, be exhausted from lack of sleep, give up my earning power and autonomy, lose my freedom, put us at risk of having a child with problems due to my age - could I really do it? It was about then I found this forum and I have pretty much become resolved to being child-free. Deep down anyway, I knew I could never put DH through it when I knew he really just didn't want to. I would feel guilty every time the baby woke him up. And I am not unhappy. It was a big relief to me when I realised I could leap-frog past it all.

The other day I said to DH "I've just realised something. When we were going through all that, I didn't really yearn to have a child now. I yearned to HAVE HAD a child 10 years ago." ie it would have been great to have had a child years ago. But not now.

I always do believe we are led down certain paths for a reason. I've seen it happen in my life that sometimes things turn out disappointingly in order to lead us somewhere good. DH and I came together after quite a journey on either side. He was worth waiting nearly 40 years for. If things had worked out better with my ex-husband I never would have met DH and this relationship with him is just magic. Thank goodness life led me down the convoluted trail that happened to eventually cross his. I think it is the same with the kids thing. It is apparent to me I was not meant to have children, because it's never gone that way easily for me. There will be important things that I instigate in this world in the future that wouldn't have happened if I'd had children.

Sorry, am getting a bit deep...I'm sort of procrastinating from doing some tax stuff...

These are such wise, wise words. Shortcatmama, you are amazing.

Why, thank you, Feebee GeeBee!