BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Feeling like an outsider

Hi always_outside!

Nice to meet you, and I too have found this forum a lifesaver. I was like you the first few weeks. Sometimes I felt kinda guilty that DH would think I was having an onlife life, but recently he came in to the room when I was on the forum and said "Whatchou up to?" I said "I'm posting to the forum" and he said in this lovely, warm,encouraging tone "Good for you!". I love him for the way he always wants the best for me.

Anyway, I just wanted to say you make a great point above. YES, we would never say "oh my God, what do you want to have children for? Oh, you'll change your mind. Don't you worry you might regret it in future?" Can you IMAGINE how rude that would sound? Yet, we get that stuff a lot.

What you said about the comments just reminded me of that trip to a therapist I was talking about in another thread that ended badly for us when we got on the kid subject.

Here's what happened: I told the therapist I wanted to talk about the decision whether to have kids, since it's getting toward the late-end of spectrum for us, and we feel this pressure to decide, yada yada yada.

My husband wasn't there for this meeting, and she asked about him. I told her he felt much the same way...goes back and forth on it and can't decide either.

I felt like she didn't believe me! The way the conversation went after that it became clear that she thought my husband mostly DIDN'T want a child, and that I must really want one (since I'm a woman of course) and am just in denial about it since I didn't have full cooperation from my husband.

I was whipped into a frenzy about it and went home and confronted my husband, and it turned much uglier than it had been previously. Suddenly I was thrust into this "deprived woman" persona, and my husband was thrust into this other role of denying me what I really must want (though I didn't seem to know I wanted it). It was really crazy, and in the end he said, "I never said I didn't want one! Why would she say that? That makes me mad that she would assume that." And we realized it was a total boondoggle and quit going to her. Ug!

Just the phrase "start a family" is rude, as if to imply that you are your husband are not already a family.

I get similar reactions when people try to push me saying I need to get married again so we can have a nice family.

What a horrible experience Frieda. Just at the point of finding this forum, I decided to try to locate a counsellor at Fertility Associates here in Auckland who could talk us through "the decision". At that point my DH had said he would be prepared to consider having a child, even though we didn't know how because he has less than 1% sperm count. But once the decision suddenly became "my call" I found it wasn't as black and white as I'd imagined and I wasn't necessarily feeling I really wanted to do this.

I actually got to the point of calling them to make an appointment, but the available times DH had given me didn't match the available times of the counsellors. That was enough to stall me on calling back to try to reschedule. I realise that I am really scared to go to a therapist about this issue, because of the very thing you experienced. I am scared they will start down the "hurry, hurry, no time to waste" route or tap into the little fears I naturally have about regretting not being a mother. And afraid that they will start turning DH and I against each other as happened to you. I just don't trust that any therapist or counsellor will be unbiassed and/or be open-minded enough to know that a life without kids is just fine, or truly understand who I am as a person.

I never called back because I feel much much safer discussing this topic here.

That is EXACTLY how I felt!!! It's such a relief to hear you say that.

I think you're right to be wary of the Fertility Clinic therapists. They might have a conflict of interest. I feel a bit disillusioned with fertility clinics. I was thinking about it and it would probably be best to go to a CF therapist about this, unless you know somehow through references that the person isn't like that.

Or save money and just come here!

I know here in the states, you can and are expected to ask the therapist about what areas they specialize in. Not just do they deal with Chemical Dependancy or not. Some therapist deal with gay and lesbian issues, some with eating disorders, some with marriage counseling. I would ask for a FULL list of things the therapist has special licensing in and what subjects she deals with as well as the age group she normally sees etc. They might not say they deal with your particular topic (being CF) but at least you would get a general idea of who the person is. When I used to work in the insurance company, when I would get referrals, peope would ask all kinds of questions, like what religion is the therapist, do they have children, are they married...nothing was a surprise and alot of the time my own experience with the therapist allowed me to give MORE information then was actually documented by our provider services department.

That's interesting Lisa. I never thought about having the right to ask these things.

To me it would be less important that they were CF and more important that they were a broad-minded person who can really understand who people are, and that both having children and not having children are perfectly viable options. I'm not sure how I would screen for that.

I would just ask everything you can about them. I would also ask around, see if you have any friends that have seen a therapist, if you feel comfortable talking about it.

I have had people ask me if the therapist had actually exprienced an eating disorder in her own life, to which of course I had to explain that I was not aware of that but that the therapist had a special training and license to treat that disorder.

I am dealing with some family issues in my life and am planning on seeing a therapist. I am VERY choosy about who I am going to sit down and spill my guts to. I will be asking plenty of questions assuming the lady I saw a few years back is not on this insurance I now have. I prefer to see female therapists, I would prefer to see a single woman (I am single and feel like I would have more in common with them, they can understand some of the complications of my life) AND I refuse to sit down for even a minute with someone who is a bible beater. We speak two different languages.
The population we had that was in Utah always wanted to know what religion the therapists were, while we didn't keep that info at first, it was asked so often that it became a part of the record for the providers. I can understand if you are of a certain religion, wanting to be treated by someone who shares your same thoughts.

I think I would just call and ask the office staff what information they can give you about the therapist. Are they married, do they have children, are they from New Zealand, if not where were they before coming there, where did they go to school, what special licenses do they hold, what special areas do they counself etc.

I am thinking that someone who is from a larger town, like perhaps trained in London might be MORE familiar with the CF lifestyle. Someone trained in a small town, might be less likely, I could certainly be wrong in that assumption. I think I would avoid younger therapists with small children but thats just me. I think Nature gives us parents a blast of hormones to get through those years AND pass along the propoganda that having kids is wonderful. A therapist who deals with people who have fertility issues is probably MORE used to dealing with couples who are DESPERATE to have children, thats just a guess on my part.