BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Hopeless Father

Another thing to remember is that in the case of kids, they are feeling hurt and oftentimes stuck in the middle. I had hard feelings against my dad for a long time because he was always crying to me. I didn't want to spend time with him. And then, my mom's boyfriend (now husband) never wanted to spend time with me. He always complained if I was around. And when my mom and I tried to have a "girls' day" one Saturday a month, he complained about that because the weekends were the only time he could spend with her, so guess what? Those "girls' days" ended real fast. He told my mom to "ship her off to a 4-year college so we don't have to deal with her." He refused to go to my gymnastics meets because he thought they were stupid.

I can imagine how difficult it is for the child when their father is telling them a load of garbage.

And also, it's hard for the kid if they even get the slightest idea that they aren't wanted. Those hurt feelings turn to anger and disrespect real fast. I still have no respect for my stepdad, and he better hope he dies first because I can't stand the thought of having to take care of him in his old age.

Anyway, I'm not saying that this is the case with anyone on the board here, but the point is, it may not always be because the kid is a total brat or raised incorrectly. There may be underlying issues that need to be dealt with in therapy.

Yes, I agree Ingilbert.
I think kids need love and stability and parents who set limits.
I can't imagine how dreadful it would be to have Dad moving out, being taken out of school, losing your friends and the boyfriend moving in etc. It must have a lasting effect on the kids and account for a lot of bad behaviour.
I personally think as a parent your kids should be your first priority....they should always be considered in any new relationship.

I am not particularly interested in winning a personality contest with my stepkids. I just want their father to do his job, and teach them respect, and keep them from annoying the hell out of me when they are around. I don't do or say anything negative to them or around them, but they are a huge invasion of my space. He married me knowing how I feel about kids, so he should try to keep the aggravation to a minimum. Yes, I married him knowing he has kids, but I did not know he would let them run the show just because he feels guilty about the divorce. He measures how good a parent he is by how much they want to come around, and that just doesn't do anyone any good. He is afraid to discipline them, because he thinks they will not want to come over anymore. I don't think that would be the result, although I feel it would be a huge blessing for me! In my opinion, the visits are a total waste of time, because he doesn't do any parenting when they are around. He teaches them nothing, and doesn't correct bad behavior. I'm sorry, but I thought that's what parents were for.

My own kids who are 8 and 9 have been here with me since they were three and four and it was rough because my stepson used to chase them and threaten them sometimes when he had his aggressive behaviors so they know how he is and know how I feel about him when he swears at me and ignores me and whatever else he does to show me disrespect.

He would sometimes say to his mother, "You let that bast*** come here and tell me what to do. Who does he think he is?" or I would tell him to do something and he would say, "Fu** You" and walk off and his mother would say, "You aren't supposed to talk to him like that, he is your stepfather and blah blah blah."

He is on a check mark system and if he does or says something wrong he gets a check mark. If he gets five then he loses a privilege, so when his mother says, "That's a check mark." He would respond with "So, that's only one or thats only two" and then goes about his business.

It really aggravates me at times when he says these things to me or whatever and then responds like that and she doesn't say anything more about it. "You have to remember Vance he has a form of Autism." I don't know how long she is going to hide behind that excuse because most the things he says and does now is normal teenager [censored]. He is very smart and very calculating and knows how to manipulate the "system" around here and it is very frustrating at times.

My wife is a whole different story. She is quick to discipline my children when they do something wrong but her own son gets warnings upon warnings before anything happens and that too is extremely frustrating. When I get mad and confront her about it she says, "You don't love me very much do you?" I am like what?

We also have a daughter in common and she is three and she is that stage where she teases everyone and when she teases him he will say something like "One of these days she is going to wake up with a bloody face" Now, I know he would never do anything like that and is just mad and when I ask her if she is going to do anything about what he just said she responds with, "Well, she does tease him." Um.. she is three and he is thirteen.

Anyway, to answer your question Deborah, the long way around, I do not have to worry about the disrespect from my own kids. They are very respectful to me and her, of course, they do have their moments but those are few and far between.

Oh yeah, one day I mentioned the respect issue to her as I often do and the wife says, "Boy, respect is a big issue with you, isn't it?"

Duh, yes it is. I am the man of the house after all and when I don't get any respect from him and little from her, yes, it is an issue with me.

Sorry about the long rant. I guess I just had to vent. It can be very frustrating. If the stepchild or step children show none to little respect before you get married, chances are slim that it will improve when you are married.

In reading all these posts from everyone regarding how they're treated by their stepkids, makes me thankful that my "insignificant other's" kids are grown. I can tell you right now that I wouldn't put up with being talked to or treated like that for one split second, ESPECIALLY if the stepkid(s) is/are living in YOUR house. I don't know how you do it and I think you all deserve some kind of medal. I'm not being a smart a** or disrespectful to any of you either, I admire your patience with these matters, makes you better persons than me, that's for sure. All I know is that for that past few years, my other half has put up with being physically shoved by one of his kids, cussed out using the most vile language available to humankind, getting "in his face", poking him in the chest with her fingers, etc. Fortunately, she wasn't talking to me or putting her hands on me. She wouldn't dare either because she knows I would have put her in her place in a big way, then called the cops to haul her a** away. She treats her Dad like this because she knows he's spineless and won't do anything. She knows, too, that I won't take any of her sh**. All this, and he expects ME to respect him!?!?! Hold on a minute, please, until I stop laughing. Seriously, none of this is a funny matter at all. I'm just still in shock when these girls want something from him (after being treated like sh**), and he folds. Can you say
s t u p i d?? He even told his kids that he "demands" respect from them. Yeah, right. I have no intention of holding my breath for that one. I don't know what to do anymore so I decided to just step back and let HIM deal with his kids. On the bright side, I haven't even had to deal with them for several months now due to another major falling out earlier this year. Thank you, God, for small miracles. Sadly though, I'm at a point in my life and in this relationship that I'm leaving all my options open. I sincerely believe that, regardless of how much you love and care for somebody, if their kids are turning your life into a nightmare, and they don't have the balls (or boobs) to handle the matter appropriately - then it might be time to move on. And people wonder why I never wanted kids.

Vance,
That sounds like a really difficult situation, and I hope it improves soon. I think your complaints are absolutely valid, and not to take sides or anything, but your wife is not being fair to you. You should not have to take that kind of disrespect. I realize it's not a stepparent's place to discipline, but the parent certainly should not stand for it.

My parents divorced when I was young, and although there were no remarriages that stuck, there were plenty of boyfriends/girlfriends around for us to deal with. My brother and I were not perfect kids (well, my brother was pretty close to perfect behavior-wise...I was a little more rebellious) we would NEVER have treated any of our elders like that. Our parents would not have stood for that. They were not even that strict of parents, but just set up the environment in a way where it was unacceptable to treat people badly, and respect was expected. It was a hard way to grow up with parents who weren't together, because we were constantly shuttling back and forth, and there was not that stability that would have been nice. It probably had something to do with my rebellious phase, and who knows, now not having children.

Bottom line though , even if it's tough to be the kid in a broken family, that doesn't make it anymore acceptable to behave rudely and disrespectfully. I really hope your wife starts listening to you and cracking down on his behavior, because in addition to wreaking havoc on your home, other kids, and your relationship, it's doing HIM no favors either. He obviously needs more limits, structure, and guidance before he ends up going down the wrong path. Perhaps the conversation you have with her about disrespect could happen with a therapist, so that the therapist can help you work around those dead-end discussions where she says, "You must not love me," or "what's the big deal about respect."

Good luck. Hope your stepson figures out soon he's lucky to have a mentor/stepdad as patient and communicative as you.

Oh my gosh, I would never treat my stepdad the way that Vance is getting treated, even though I hate him. Well, really, really, very strongly dislike him.

It really is the parent's job to set things straight.

And it sounds like your stepson needs to go to therapy, at least for anger.

Man, I am SO glad that I won't ever have kids, step or otherwise!

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It is a difficult situation but I am trying to take it with a grain of salt. His father is blind to the whole thing too. He gives his step mother almost as much grief as me when he goes on his visits there but she is less patient and less tolerable than I am of it. One day she smacked him across the face when he mouthed off to her.

Thats not my bag though. I went through enough of that when I grew up. My father was a big proponent of corporal punishment and broke his share of ping pong paddles on my butt, etc...
I always swore I would never do that to my kids and I never have.
However, I digress.

It's not really a living hell here and he does have plenty of good moments but it is mostly when he can't get his own way is when he acts out.

It is the lack of respect that gets me, though. If he asks if he can do something or have something and his mother is busy with something else, I will tewll him no because I know she would have done the same thing regarding the situation in question and he will say, "I was talking to my mom, not you." Then he will get into an argument with his mom about it telling her stuff like I need to mind my own business and [censored] like that.

I will get through it though because I know he does a lot of stuff hoping I will leave but he's got another think coming.

Oh yeah, once in awhile when he is in his mood he will say, with me sitting right there, "It was so much better when it was just me and you ma, before they came here and ruined my life" meaning me and my children. It is quite comical sometimes though and when I snicker at something that he says is really quite inane then I get admonished by his mother for that.

She tells me that stuff really sets him off and its nothing I do on purpose just that some of the stuff he comes up with is so off the wall or unbelievable you just can't help but chuckle at it.

Anyway, sorry for the long rants but I guess I do just need to vent at times.

Gee, I guess we are the poster family for the CF people huh? lol.

Vance, I admire you for not letting this kid run you off and for having something of a sense of humor about your situation. Humor can go a long way in relieving inner tension. It probably really contributes to your tolerant, non-aggressive attitude. Even though the kid thinks your presence stinks, he will get the idea that you aren't leaving without your having to say a word--just because you are hanging in there.

It's hard step-parenting under any circumstances. If this child's father is still in his life, it may help to acknowledge--to the kid--that you know you are not his father and then stress that, in your home, he still has to do house rules--whatever they are for YOUR house. You've probably already done this, though.

Teenagers are hard, too. At least he's thirteen and not driving! I hate when they wait 'til they're 16 to go into full rebellion!! Anyway, we're finished raising our kids, so, I can tell you what it looks like in retrospect. We had a blended family but only every other weekend. Probably the most effective things we found to do with teenagers were (a) make them responsible for the consequences of their actions and the actions of their friends, if they are with a crowd that makes trouble and (b) take away privileges--judiciously. You don't want to be constantly taking something away. PICK YOUR BATTLES. What you can take away from teenagers is pretty limited, but pretty major--freedom, money, and car (when older).

We ended up homeschooling our "full-blown" 16 year old, and her attitude changed dramatically once that started. This won't work if your step-son loves being at school. If he doesn't want to give up this social outlet, he won't cooperate; but some kids are actually socially miserable at school and will welcome the chance to get out of that situation.

The other thing I can tell you, in retrospect, is that setting limits IS actually important. Again, you don't want to run around setting limits coming and going; but you do need to set limits, for sure. Our kids tell us now (not then) that limits were important. When you're in the thick of things, limit-setting can be intimidating--you don't know whether you're being too tough or not tough enough. Just try. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT. AND, it doesn't have to be like every other family. Each family is different in what it stresses as important limits, and that's ok; but make your wishes clear and realistic.

Later on, your kids "will rise up and call you blessed," like the Bible says. Or, maybe they won't. But, I bet they'll eventually thank you for your steadfast guidance.

I've kind of felt bad since posting this that it makes me seem incredibly shallow and selfish. (Maybe I am!!) There are some other positives about me being stepmum to my stepson that are not just about me. My DH often comments that he is so glad my stepson will have a few years of living with me too, because I am giving him a different role model from his Mum. From the stories I am getting, his Mum is quite narrow minded in her views and materialistic. I always try to present a different perspective for my stepson and he is benefitting from the exposure to my friends and contacts, many of whom are travelling here from overseas or are involved in cultural work or pursuits. For sure my friends are mostly lateral thinkers and fairly politically aware. He really enjoys talking to them when they visit.

I am also always trying to open his eyes to stereotypes etc. We were watching the Tour de France on TV and I was noting how when the male cyclists went up to get their awards, they were flanked by two young bimbos in bikinis. I raised this issue with DH and stepson. I said "this would not happen if the cyclists were women - could you imagine two men in speedos flanking them? It just wouldn't happen." Stepson made a sort of flippant joke and I carried on with "Actually these small things perpetuate bad attitudes to women". I could tell he listened to this (as he does) and I think that it is good that he has me in his life to raise awareness of these issues.

The other weekend he and I spent a good hour or so talking about ideas for what he can do after university. He's feeling pressured to know what career he wants and to get into that 9-5 grind, and I was giving him some examples of creative people I know who have chosen to live their lives a little differently. At the end of the conversation he said that he felt quite inspired.

With me, he can talk about things without me getting uptight or anxious as his parents might. DH often comments, which is lovely of him, that I have really had a positive impact and have a key role in my stepson's life.

Because I originally wanted to be a Mum and sometimes feel a loss about this (even though I am realistic about these feelings) it is nice to feel I play a part in his life, and also those of my nieces and nephews. And also, I think that is what is great about being CF - you can relate to children as people without being all parent-like.

That's not to say I am not looking forward to his upcoming 2 months in France though! DH is too!