BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Well, it's Over

Me again. I think I succumbed and now I am engaged. Wedding in July. Don't know if it's right. I don't feel right.

I now have a fiance, a ten year old and a dog. The dog doesn't bother me. How right is that?

Afraid I'm making a mistake....with her and then again....if I leave.

I'm a mess.

Wow, how did all that happen?! I hope you will figure out what is truly right for you, and if you don't think you should get married, don't...it is a whole lot harder to get out of it later.

Hello,

I haven't been on the board in a few days..got a part time job. Anyway, I checked the board today and WOW!!! So many new people and then I read your email and really felt for you. My husband really wanted children and he knew I didn't. He still asked me to marry him and I told him not to try and change me b/c it won't work. He said he wouldn't and that he loved me more than having kids.

I really hope you are really checking your feelings and what you want out of life...marriage is hard enough and then bring a child into when both parties don't want it. Good luck to you!!! If you fiance' wants children she will not let up until she gets them.

The prospect of marriage ought to fill you with joy. If it doesn't, maybe the timing is wrong. It sounds like things are moving very quickly- perhaps you could suggest spending some time apart so that both of you can gather your thoughts and get some perspective.

Good luck!

Hey, Terrence--

What a tough situation! I hope things will work out well for you. I wanted to share an experience that might be helpful. I got married when I was fairly young; for the whole year that I was engaged, I didn't really feel right about it. I didn't want to get involved in planning the wedding; I didn't look forward to it; I couldn't get excited about it. But I went ahead and did it anyway, and it was a huge mistake--those feelings only got worse, and I got divorced six years later (should have been quicker than that!).

I am now engaged again, after living with my partner for four years. We waited until we both felt really confident and happy about the idea of getting married. Sometimes that was tough--it took him longer than me to be sure, and I sometimes felt kind of sad or insecure because of that. But I am really glad now that we each had a chance to fully think things through and become comfortable with the idea of marrying each other. I feel completely different this time--happy and excited and just really at ease about it. I feel like we're doing what's best both for me and for him, so that we can each live the life that will make us happiest. And it's great to share that feeling with him, instead of worrying that maybe one of us wasn't really sure or felt pressured or something. Of course I can't say how this marriage will work out! I just want to encourage you to take your time before getting married and to respect your feelings. You may work through things and decide you do want to get married--but it sounds like maybe a bit too soon to know that? I can say from experience that getting divorced is really hard, even when you get to the point where you know it's the right thing to do--I hope you won't ever have to go through that experience!

Best wishes to you and your partner...

I definitely agree that marriage is a life long commitment and should never be rushed into. Something that is going to last 50 years needs more than 3 months to prepare for. I really suggest taking it slow. If you feel you have to rush or you'll lose it, that is not a good sign ...

Terrence...marriage is a big deal...committment for life. If you don't feel right about it, there is a reason. Take time to think about what you are doing and why it is that you don't feel so right about it. Don't rush into things. Recently someone recommended that I make a list of 100 things I want from a spouse (shallow things or not) to truely understand what I want out of a marriage and a spouse. Maybe making such a list would help you understand what YOU want from life and marriage...thus, maybe help you sort through the feelings you are having.

Good luck with everything. I hope it all works out to the best.

Terrence,

If it doesn't feel right now, when you should be in the "honeymoon" phase, it is never going to feel good. You deserve to be happy in life and it doesn't sound like this decision is going to make you very happy. On a slightly flippant note, could you keep the dog and jettison the other two?

Seriously though, take some time out (maybe go away for the weekend) to think about what you really want from life. If it isn't to be tied down to kids, then don't let that happen.

CF_Gal's advice is perfect, I made up a list like that and married the man who met the criteria. It doesn't mean that life is perfect with him, but he does have the same values as me, which is important.

Good luck and I hope you manage to find some clarity.

Wow Terrence -- I agree with what everyone in here has said, especially parts about "if you're doubting it now (even the slightest doubts), those doubts will never subside." 'Tis true. All you're left with after the divorce is a fly swatter to hit yourself in the head with as you recall "Hindsight is 20/20."

Hopefully, you've been living with this 10-year-old's mommy for a while. I seriously advocate living together for most couples (as anti-moral as some people deem it), because you truly don't get a taste of the full meal deal until you do. Even then, people change.

Case in point: I became a step-mom to my ex-husband's 10-year-old daughter of whom he had full custody. Before we even got engaged, I made sure the rules were set: What I say goes, just like a "real" parent," and he made sure the girl understood that. We lived together for a year before the altar hike, but as soon as that kid turned 13, all hell broke loose with discipline. I was no longer allowed to discipline her. I was told I was too strict, too harsh, and too demanding. *COUGH* Chores? Manners? Dress code? Disrespect? From age 13 on, he disciplined me in front of her if I said anything to her.

That was only one of three major reasons I got the hell out, but it was still one of the top three.

Seriously, Terrence...I don't want to talk you out of embracing your possible soulmate and being a loving step-father if that's the life you're envisioning and want. But raising kids is a tough job by itself. Being a step-parent has further challenges. If she wants more kids and you don't...that's just too much for a marriage, with or without the pre-made kid.

Being best friends with each other, laughing and humor, makes a marriage fun too. It's not just about lovers, financial help, and all the other stuff of life.