BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage The happy married people!

Hey FB, great idea!

We've been married just over 12 years now ... went through a stage around 5 years where we really struggled & questioned our marriage, got counselling etc. This was before having kids - I'm so glad we got through that before we became parents. (we were both very interested in our careers and kind of drifted as we got absorbed). Since that time, life, love & marriage has just gotten better generally speaking (there are some rough spots but nothing like the crisis we went through @ 5 years).

One thing I think is key is both people beign able to identify what is important to them, and being able to work out a solution when things are in conflict. Usually if something is very important to one of us, it isn't a big deal to the other, or at least not so big a deal that it causes problems. Note that I believe there are some things where you both just must be on the same page - like kids or no kids, moving cities/job changes for one person, big money decisions ... I think those can be huge if both people aren't heading int he same direction. How to manage money has been an area of conflict for us at times, and at 12+ years we still haven't got it perfect ... but we are working on it together.

Let each other know the things you love, admire, get turned on by in him/her. One thing that came out of our 5 year crisis is we realized we'd stopped letting the other know these things, figuring that it must be obvious - I've learned that honest, sincere appreciation feels great to give & receive.

Laughter! I love it that I can make my DH roar with laughter when I tell a story about my day, or commenting on a subject we are interested in, or whatever. And he can crack me up too. Something about having a sense of humour like that really brings you together.

Supporting each other in interests taht are not in common, and having time to be on your own - that is really critical for me

Romance ... since we now have young children I've learned that little teasing, romantic, flirtatious moments are important. And creativity in intimacy is great too.

My parents have a great marriage and some of the thigns I've seen for them (and believe to be true of DH & I) is that both people have a good awareness of themselves, strengths, etc. and see the great things they bring to the relationship. There's a passage from "the Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran that says something like "the pillars of the temple stand not together, and the birch tree grows not in the oak's shadow." To me, it is important to be able to stand on your own 2 feet - to know that you could handle life on your own if you had to - and then enjoy having someone to handle it with. Being dependent & not having options seems to me a dangerous ground on which to build a marriage.

Cheers,

Andie

Hi ANdie thanks for shareing!!! I think you have made some valid points. I think when my husband and I was dating I was indpendent and happy then we moved in together and my health failed and I was dependent on him. I hated it but he was there for me. after we got married and my health was better my job paid more and I was in school and my husband was insucure because he wanted to be the bread winner or whatever but he supported me anyways because it was a dream of mine and no one else backed me on my college indevers.... well my health failed andmoney wasso tight that I had to quit college again. now we livewith my mom andare savingmoneyto buy a house of our own. We are closer to my family and his. This is a blessing and a curse because now we have to contende with in laws butting in...but that is another story! lol

anyways my point is that we had to learn to support each other and learn to depend and count on the other as well as stand on our own feet.. it is a balancing act that is sometimes hard to do but well worth it!!

Friendship - my husband was a friend for 6 months before we started dating. I felt absolutely nothing for him when we first met other than "what a nice man". It happened very slowly.
So it was friendship, emotional attachment and then intimacy.
My husband was my first serious boyfriend.
We have now been together for 25 years - married for 18 years.
I always feel comfortable with my husband and enjoy his company,
we share interests and we respect, encourage and support each other - we also, have lots of fun together - travelling, restaurants, wineries, entertaining, weekends away...
We are very different people but somehow, it just works.

Duane:
You just reminded me of something else we have going for us in my marriage - no religion.
Also we are similar to you with the laid back lifestyle. Those two items cause stress, which we don't have.

Some people feel the need to be on the go all the time -- if that is the case, and the people involved like it, then good! That kind of lifestyle isn't for me and my wife.

As long as what you do behind closed doors doesn't hurt anyone, and is consensual, and makes everyone involved happy, I say go for it.

Needless to say, not everything that does go on behind closed doors, even if it is nothing at all, is necessarily made public to others

You are absolutely right FB! I guess I hadn't really thought through the thought or how to express it. I guess by being "not dependent" I mean more being a person who knows and values one's self. We are all going to hit rough times at some point or another - unemployment, health problems, or even in various phases of life (ie. right now I am at home with kids, and not earning $$). Some people use that situation as a power play, and diminish the other, and some people even actively seek out a "meal ticket" ... which is too bad because it seems to me that they are not developing their potential and passions. Whereas, a person might have limitations but still be truly alive, developing strengths and being a true partner in a relationship even if they aren't able to carry part of the load in some aspect of the relationship.

I hope taht makes some kind of sense! One of the wonderful things about marriage & family is knowing you can count on someone if times get rough, and also being there for someone when they need you.

I am sorry to hear about the issues you and your DH are facing right now. They are not easy. I think it shows alot of faith in each other, and alot of character, to be able to recognize how best to pull through this together. You will be stronger for the experience when you get through it, but it can be really tough right now.

Wishing you all the best,

Andie

Thank you Andie!!! I think we have learned to not only count on each other but to count on each others family as well which is something I have never seen before. after my father died his side of the family forgot about my mom and I when we needed them the most. so this is new! also with my mom side if they do something little for you you own them for life and you never hear the end of it but if you do something for them then its no big deal.... It has been my honor to become part of a family that is nothing like the ones I come from. and My mom is even included into my husbands family so its a major change for all of us!

I am very lucky to have found such a wonderful man with such a loving family!

[[font:Century Gothic]size:11pt]One common issue I am seeing here in this thread is that many are childfree or have grown children and so have the freedom of newlyweds.

Being able to do things together, travel, and enjoy special interests with each other, and lots and lots of laughter, is what real marriage is all about. You married each other because you wanted to be together.

My husband and I love traveling, theatre, the Yankees, and dining out at different restaurants. We have a deep commitment to each other and respect what is important to each spouse.

We're certainly not perfect, but perfection pales after a while and a few healthy flaws makes life more interesting![/size][/font]

Interesting I had not notice most here dont have kids or have grown kids....

Well, I can only speak for myself, but when my kids were young I didn't really have time to surf the web. Most Mom's with little ones are looking for information about their children, you know health, activities, looking to talk to other mom's with little kids. I don't think they are not posting her because they are not happy.