BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Can disagreeing on kids NOT be a deal-breaker?

That's totally awesome. Good for you, Michi! Keep those lines of communication open, and this might work out for you. Fingers crossed ...

Awesome Michi-chan. That is great news. Good job.

Good job Michi-chan! I hope things continue to go well for you both.

I'd just like to add something here and um it's horrible for any of us happily marrieds to think about (or even our significant others, boyfriends/girlfriends) But
One of the mother's in my class has broken English and I speak only 20 words or less of Arabic (SO FAR!) And she said in her broken English did we have no kids? (I said that was true and didn't dare tell her we've been married for over five years!)
She said something like
"But Muslim men like kids. Lots."
(Actually not always, that depends. Hubby was indifferent and I think it probably depends on the guy.)
ANYWAY THEN she said she has four boys but THEN
she said the father died three years ago.
Which is very sad and I could
tell from things she said and how sad she looked that she really loved/s him. But my point IS
what if HE was the one wanting the kids and now he's dead and SHE is stuck with them?
She has a great son so far in the youngest in my class but that's not my point.
Even if the one wanting kids didn't die (heaven forbid) what if you split up (again heaven forbid but I'm just SAYING!) and the one who ONLY had kids to please the OTHER one was left literally holding the baby/ies?
(Having said that my heart ached for her having lost her husband and I honestly don't know how to cope if/when my honey dies!!)

Athena: I understand what you mean about this. Like I said to my boyfriend last night, every child deserves two parents who want it 110% and unless I feel that way someday, I won't be having kids. I don't want to resent the child for not allowing me to have the life I planned, since it would be my choice to have a child. And I also don't want to resent my boyfriend if I felt that he would only marry me and be with me if I said I wanted kids. Not saying he'd be like that, but I'm just saying. He said he'd be happy with one child, so if I can make him see that our lives would be better with zero then I'm cooking with gas;) But no, I'm going to give my boyfriend some time to mull over the issue and our situation and come to me when he knows what he wants more fully and has had the time to synthesize our talk.

Yes. When my husband and I first met, I brought it up. I was really nervous, but felt just like you, never had the desire. He said that he always assumed he would have kids, but never really gave it serious thought.

As time went by and our relationship progressed, I told him it was something we really neededto think about. He said he didn't think he wanted them after all, and of course I thought he was saying this to appease me. However, I think visualizing and talking it through is very helpful and crucial before you start considering marriage.

If one person knows they want a child, they probably always will. If however, they are on the fence, it's a different story.

I guess what I'm saying is I don't think it can work if there are two extremes and people try to change one another. There are plenty of people out there who are the perfect fit, and will know it when the time is right.

It is, for many, a tough decision as to whether one should have kids or not. One thing to keep in mind though, and this is something my husband and I often say,is that it is not fair to force someone to live the life that they do not want to live.

If your boyfriend forced you to have kids for him, you would be living a life that you do not want. If you force him to not have kids, then he will be living a life he did not want. It is something that you need to discuss seriously with him. Maybe secretly you are both hoping that the other will change his/her mind. What if that does not happen?

Hi Rebekah. I think this is a very good point. When I met my husband a couple of years ago, when I was 39, I was still secretly hoping that children might magically appear in my life. But I have always been a fencesitter. First and foremost I fell in love with my husband for who he was. When the subject came up about children, I discovered that he had secondary infertility and also just didn't really want to go through parenthood again. One path for me might have been to leave him because I still hadn't come to terms fully with not having children. But because I was a fencesitter, that seemed crazy. We've had some difficult moments as we have worked through it. But I asked him that he allow me to go through the process of accepting being CF openly and honestly and to be able to share my thoughts and emotions with him. Although this has made it less easy for him, it has helped me to grieve and has ensured that resentments won't fester. It has brought us much closer. It also helped me a lot when he said that he would be prepared to have children for me. I don't now believe at all that he should have said that, but it helped me that there was a bit of give and take. I made the decision that it wasn't right to go ahead even though he had said that - I couldn't do it to him. We are great now and I am almost through the process and very relieved we didn't succumb to having a child for the wrong reasons. So we are a living example of a relationship that didn't need to end because of differing views on children - because I was a fencesitter, and because we were truly able to be open and honest about the feelings as they hit us. I am a "grey area" person - never "black and white" so it is difficult anyway for me to take definitive stands on things.