BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Can disagreeing on kids NOT be a deal-breaker?

Has anyone found not wanting kids when your significant other does NOT to be a deal breaker? I would assume it must happen, and was wondering if anyone has any personal experience with such a situation?

I don't want children and at no point in my life can recall imagining a future that included children (I am 26 now). I have a male friend who I would discuss important issues with, one of which was kids. He wants them and believed that disagreeing on the issue would cause a couple to break up 100% of the time. But, a few months later he said that he had given it more thought and now believed that if you love someone enough you should want to be with them even if it means you won't get to have kids. I commented that it sounded like a nice theory, but could be very hard for someone who wanted kids. However, he reminded me that you're with the person for them, not any future offspring you may end up having together.

Anyhow, this idea has come to my mind recently in regards to my boyfriend, who wants kids. He has a rather large family and 2 of his younger siblings have kids and see me as 'weird' for not having any of my own. I fear the day that my desire to remain childless becomes public knowledge to his family, much less my boyfriend, although I have no intention of hiding my feelings about the issue when it comes up. I can appreciate kids but am simply not willing to give up the life I've built for a child. I completely want to marry my boyfriend and yet I have no desire to have children, although I think he'd make a wonderful father. Perhaps I may change my mind in the future and want kids, but that's a big 'maybe' that I know I can't plan my future around and must be upfront with my boyfriend.

Has anyone brought up their desire not to have children to a significant other and had a positive outcome? Just wondering what other's experiences have been.

Thanks! (Sorry for the long post.)

Well first of all you really DO need to have a chat about this with your boyfriend!!

Secondly it depends. On how much the one person does want kids and how much the other person doesn't.

I think with my husband he thought that marriage and kids went together because that's what everyone else did and he's an Egyptian Muslim so possibly even MORE so!

But he said "maybe in five years time we could have kids" but every year he'd say that! (as it not five to four four to three!) So I could tell he was putting it off anyway. Although we still are not in a position to have kids yet (being on work permits still etc.) even if we DID want them!

But he was ambiguous really about having kids. It was something he thought he might regret if he didn't do it and yet he said to me he was 99 - 100% sure he did NOT want them NOW!

I said kids or me you can't have both and he said he chooses me.

And yet if he'd married a woman who wanted kids I bet he would be a father now.

My point is he thought having kids was the done thing. It wasn't a great big yearning desire for him.

On the other hand about 10 years ago there was a man who asked me to marry him and "have my babies" and he really REALLY wanted kids. (Ironically, far as I know, he still doesn't have any now!)
We didn't break up over the kid thing but I was never very comfortable about it.

My point IS it depends how strongly the person wants kids or doesn't.

If someone really really wants kids because it's what THEY want (rather than society, family only etc.) and someone they are with really REALLY DOESN'T then it's probably a deal breaker.

Two "fence-sitters" (undecided) well it's harder to say!

Above all have a big chat with him better to talk about it now!

Michi, I agree with Athena, honesty is better now than later.

I told my boyfriend about five seconds into our second date. The first one had gone really well, and I could tell we were really into each other. I just said "I'm not trying to freak you out but I like being with you and I'm never having kids, so if you want them, we may as well decide to just be friends now before either one of us gets hurt" or something to that effect. As our relationship progressed, I gently reminded him of this until one day he started making child-free comments ("Geez, I'm glad I don't have to go home to a screaming kid"). Like Athena said, your relationship's survival will depend on how strongly your boy feels about having children. Maybe he's secretly child-free, too and talks about having kids just because "everyone does?" I know a couple of people whose siblings had kids and that solidified their decision NOT to.

As for the siblings that think you're weird, I think THEY'RE weird. What are they, 23 with a bunch of kids? You're only 26...anyway, it's not their job to judge you unless they want you to start judging them back. When my ex's family used to make rude comments about my not wanting kids, I would just say something like "yeah, my life really sucks, what with all of the fun I get to have with my spare time and extra money--you're right" and laugh it off.

Whatever happens, good luck. It may hurt to let him go if you're truly divided on this issue, but trust me, it will hurt more if you decide to stick it out and neither person changes their opinion.

I know a couple that got married in their mid-twenties and (mainly the husband) said they would wait 5 years until they'd try to conceive. The husband basically continued to do what Athena-Marina's DH did which was to say every year "let's wait 5 more years" while the wife had long been ready to have kids.

Finally, it came out that the husband didn't want children - he enjoyed his career and their quiet household (they have a very LARGE, expensive house, mind you)and the wife was absolutely crushed.

She struggled with the battle to have children with him for years until finally she found out she was unable to have children in the first place. That's something she still has struggles with and they have been married for 14 or 15 years now.

Their marriage has survived, I believe completely because of their religious beliefs and undying commitment to their marriage. Still, despite her unability to have children, the entire ordeal seems to have caused a rift in their marriage and I'm sure at times that sort of thing can cause intimacy problems if not other issues.

It's important to thoroughly discuss the topic of children before entering into a marriage because it has the potential to bring bitterness to the relationship, despite whether or not you're committed to staying together.

My husband has known for a long time that I didn't want kids. He proposed anyway. I think he thinks I'll change my mind, but I've made is very clear that I won't. He says that he'd rather have me and no children than children and no me.

We're not divorced yet, and if we ever do get divorced, it will probably NOT be over the children issue. It will be my own craziness.

Ingilbert -- you still crack me up.

Michi -- I agree with having that talk with your boyfriend ASAP. I think the decision is a dealbreaker if both of you are firm and passionate about your differing positions. Some men are really bent on having kids, and they want that daddy role for all the right reasons and I'm sure would take issue with someone who definitely didn't want any. It certainly wouldn't be right for either of you to marry before having that discussion.

I remember a few months ago, there was a gentleman who posted in this forum about his situation (I wonder how things are going for him now?), which was opposite of yours: His wife really wanted kids, and I believe he said he wasn't opposed to having them before they married. Now, years later, her bio clock is ringing off the nightstand, and he told her he's changed his mind. They had three choices: 1) Have a kid (he would most likely be miserable and resent the kid, wishing he never allowed this to happen); 2) Refuse to give in, in which case, the wife would have to give up on her heartfelt dreams in which she could have a baby and nurture her own child; 3) Divorce.

In my own life, the subject came up with my current boyfriend on our third date. I don't recall who brought up the subject, but it actually came out quite naturally, and I remember feeling a little sad when he said he wasn't having any more kids. His kids were 18 and 20, and he's had a vasectomy. At the time (March of this year, and I was 35), I had not yet fully made a childfree choice, still holding out for those last few years to maybe meet someone and maybe still have a baby, even though my bio clock never seemed to alert me to it...I was never passionate about wanting a kid...just seemed like I'd miss something if I didn't.

It was shortly thereafter when I found this forum, and I read Childfree and Loving It. That was the kicker. All of a sudden, I felt free of those bio chains, free from the "weirdo" chains in which breeders tried to shackle me, and free to live a great life. I could be dating any one of 5-6 different guys who are younger than my boyfriend and still have sperm and want kids, but combine the fact that I happened to take refuge in a CF life with the fact that I love this man so much -- makes me a happy camper.

Incidentally, I found your friend's comment interesting --


Best of luck, and be sure to have that talk with him sooner rather than later.

Sounds like us. He knew going in that kids were a "probably not." (When we met I was still wondering if everyone was right, that I'd change my mind when I was older.) He wanted more kids, but hooked up with me anyway. I've gradually become more assertive in my stance on this issue and he's gradually started agreeing with me.

But I often wonder if he would be a father of three or so had he met someone else instead. He's a hard man to understand (or even get to talk!) where certain subjects are concerned. This is one of them. I'd like to think he chose me over his hopes of more kids, but he may have been just giving in for financial survival. (We can't really afford the kid he's got!) With him, it may take me years to find out. I think I can wait.

When my now husband and I started going out he pretty much drove the "have a kid" train and was just waiting for someone to get on. However, from the second date I made it perfectly clear that it wasn't something I wanted or even would consider doing. He either didn't listen or thought that I was going through a stage, but it all rather came to a head when we found out that there are actually medical issues involved and it became more of a "can't have kids" as well as "don't want to".

At that stage (we'd been together 2 years and were living together) he had to make a decision. So, he finally looked at "Why" he wanted them and it turned out that it wasn't about spending time with them, teaching them, raising them etc, it was all about society's expectations and family conditioning. In his family he was always just expected to grow up and have children.

Now, he's possibly even more child-free than me. He really isn't a child person and he loves all the attention being focused on him. Plus, he loves artwork and keeping everything spotless - we had a friend's 4-year old for one day and he just about lost his mind after four minutes, let alone having to raise his own child.

Thus, I think it is possible for it not to be a dealbreaker in some situations. I was worried for a time that it would be in our relationship, however that turned out to be unfounded.

I have to say that I wonder how many men out there REALLY want children. I wonder if alot of them aren't doing it just because they think they should, or because the woman they are with REALLY wants kids and they go along.

With women you can see where hormones and alot of other issues might be influencing them but with men, it has to be different.

I think there are men that really want children - they want the whole "Dad" experience. That's great, but equally, there are men that want children to pass on the family name - the whole ego thing.
If men had to go through pregnancy, labour and take on the primary care of the child you'd soon sort out the men that REALLY wanted to be fathers.
It's definitely an easier decision for a man - he can have kids, pursue his career and he's regarded by society as a good father/provider whereas women are often criticized for working outside the home.
Men can leave the day to day care of the kids to their partner, no interruption to their career, no stale qualifications...women often end up struggling if the marriage ends after being out of the workforce for years.
I think our hormones must play a part in the whole "clucky" "broody" phase - I guess it's natures way of pushing us to undertake something that would send men running....