BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why aren't parents honest about their experience?

I have been "lurking" on this site for several months now and have appreciated benefiting from all the great discussion. I am 39 years old and happily married for 13 years. My husband and I both assumed when we got married that we would have children "someday", because that was all we knew-you got married, you had children. However, the years drifted by, neither of us pushed the topic because, frankly, neither of us were really interested, and we drifted into childfree.

Now nudging the 40 mark, I recently experienced a panicky "Omigod, I never really wanted kids but the time is running out-maybe we should have a couple just in case we change our mind later!" feeling. Thankfully, my husband held fast to his conviction and kept me from making a life long choice out of fear. I see now that I never really wanted children, but was influenced by the concern of my many childed friends . . . "you don't know what you are missing", "you'll be sorry when you are old", "there's no greater joy", etc.

Any residual waffling I had left in me was quelled this morning when I saw these two posts on truemomconfessions.com:

10.20.07 5:05a I really love my kids, but if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have any. me too (35)

This post has one of the highest "me too" ratings in pages and pages of posts . . . and, then, a few hours later:

10.20.07 8:28a If I could do it over, I would have my kids again in a heartbeat. All 5 of them. me too (3)

Over 10 times the responses to the first post vs. the second post! I am just stunned by the contrast between these responses and what I hear from my friends . . . why the huge disconnect? Is it just so socially unacceptable to say "this is so much harder and so much less fun than I ever thought it would be"? Or do people need to reaffirm their choice by recruiting others into the abyss? Or do all my childed friends secretly hate me and want me to be miserable??? Frankly, it ticks me off that they have so pointedly tried to recruit me into a lifestyle that most people apparently find unpleasant. Perhaps more people would consciously choose the childfree path in life if parents were actually honest about their experience.

Welcome, shortcatmama! I think it IS socially unacceptable to admit that following the herd may not have been the best choice. If the word got out that parenting is so much more than Kodak moments, this forum would no longer need to exist (because our choice would be such a common one). As for the recruiting of friends, I have to fall back on the "misery loves company" theory. It's the most reasonable explanation I've ever come across.

I agree with myrabeth that it's ok to admit that things worked out for the best in your life with the decision not to have children. I enjoy my children, but don't feel the need as some parents do to push others into becoming parents.

I have childless friends that seem to enjoy hanging out with my kids and even give me ideas on stuff that would be cool on my baby website <a href=BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

Or how about this gem:

10.21.07 8:25a
My children are driving me nuts, I am really waiting for the joys of parenthood to kick in. Anytime would be great. I too went through their rooms and bag their toys. These are going to goodwill. My advice to women who want children. Don't do it. Enjoy your life. Borrow a friends child anytime they will love you for it.

me too (15)

Unfortunately, not having children is still not socially acceptable, as noted inadvertantly by my mother last weekend.

On friday, she told me that my feeling left out or judged due to being childfree was "in my head".

On sunday, she told me that since she and my father had accepted my "lifestyle", I should respect theirs and visit for the holidays.

Since I have a steady job, a husband with a steady job, am pursuing higher education, own a house and have no piercings, the only "unique" things about my "lifestyle" are that I am childfree and live in a different state than my parents. Or perhaps she means that I am not into shopping?

I am a very strong-willed woman. My husband gets mad sometimes because my parents have this way of controlling me and as he points out, "no one controls me". On the rare occassions I consider having a kid it is to please my parents. Obviously I know that is a stupid reason. My point is that if the power of society and family can effect me and make me consider it, than many other women must feel that same pressure and some may lack the willpower to fight it.

You are so right Chaco. I wouldn't really describe myself as strong-willed (well, in some ways maybe), and for the brief period of my life where I had given in and was diligently trying to conceive, I had this feeling of immense relief that I was finally doing what was needed to please my family/society. I know...it's not admirable...but it's true. Giving up that fantasy of having children has given me relief in a different way. It's now an uncomfortable "issue" around family, and still a bit of a struggle to feel like the decision is completely made (and that it's okay for me to make this decision in spite of pressure), but it's a relief to not have to worry about the realities of raising children!

It's funny, but my grandparents (who probably are the ones that could manipulate me into feeling like I should have one) are really supportive of the childfree choice and encourage me to pursue a career/hobbies etc.

They're about to have their 60th anniversary party and they actually banned their great-grandchildren as (to quote them) "they're too loud and the parents have no control". My grandfather though, was most annoyed at the restaurant when he asked whether my two dogs could come and was told "No". As he said, at least my boys would lie there quietly and do as they were told.

My Grandmother had some pretty honest things to say about parenthood. My adopted Mother was her only child, my Grandmother was a wonderful person but my Mother seemed to hate her and treated her openly hostile and jealous. I never understood it. I was closer to my Grandmother growing up then my own Mother because of things like this.

I remember when I was a teenager my Grandmother telling me about how her and her husband had loved each other so much and how they had only been able to have this one child (they had another child but it had been born dead) and how they had done everything posible for her and loved her so much and how now in her later years, her husband dead, her only child treated her like this. It broke my heart because my Grandmother was so wonderful. It seemed like the nicer she was, the madder my Mother was, the better she cooked, the madder my Mother was, the more people in town that talked about how lovely my Grandmother was, the madder my Mother was. My Grandmother could do nothing right.

Malamutes, that is so great that the dogs were invited!! I love it!!

I think they're saying yes and no are both honest answers
If asked, I wouldn't have dogs or children again unless they came with ideal conditions, a maid and a professional trainer ( for the dogs and maybe the kids)
But I would because I adore my children and I love my dogs. Even if I have to clean up after them and deal with all the [censored] they give me.