BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Choosing Self-Love

you're ALLOWED to be the way you are. Weird doesn't mean you aren't wonderful!

It took me a while to start figuring out boundaries too, but then i realized it's not so complicated after all. We have a built in Boundary Violation Indicator... it's called feelings. When you feel really rotton, chances are good a boundary has been tripped. It is what helped me, in time, to understand where the boundaries should be.

I ofen tend to think I am being over sensitive or parniod. I will for go my boundries to keep from hurting someone elses feeling. most of the time with family and the one closest to be. I am not as bad now that I am older but then again I am not close to my family either and I tend to avoid family gatherings. I am an only child and its just my mom and me and my husband and his family and they dont bother me. its my moms side and my dads side that i avoid and that seems to make everyone happy! My mom is the same way so....I come by it honestly!!! lol

I think you are showing yourself self love this way. When some family members aren't pleasant to be around, it's hard to say no, but i think it's better in the long run. You need to do what's best for you, because no one else can do it for you.

this is true! i think i feel like i have to fit in or be loved and accepted by them and it just isnt going to happen! I think I want the tv family you know like leave it to beaver or brady bunch or even Roseann but.....my family is more like i dont know the cold war meets opra? if you saw us to gether you would think we were normal but the undercurent and the fact that everyone is in little clicks and talking about the other outside the click and the men are drunk....you may find that weird but other then that.....

I love them all but its not the way it should be because there are so many secrets and things left unsaid and it is better that some things never come to light because then the family could not pretend anymore. and there is alot of hurt and regret for things done and not done but there really is not any other way to handle it....so it just lies there boiling under the surface hiden but staring you in the face.

how can you deal with things that cant be dealt with? how can you forgive things like this when there is no one to forgive but everyone is to blame?

Freebubbles:

I have come into forgiveness after many years of grudge holding. My grudges were very understandable and from abuse that was not my fault. I grew up this way.

I really can't say how my forgiveness happened, and I don't believe I would have been able to do it without antidepressants (I have a chemical imbalance & PTSD and cannot go off of them - I don't recommend them to people that don't need them - they should be used only if medically necessary).

I have accepted things the way they are/were, and see the humanity in others even past their bad mistakes. Even though years of my life were trampled on, I feel freedom in forgiveness and acceptance. I don't FORGET, but to not forgive only hurts oneself even more that what the other has done to try to destroy you.
So I figure, I can't take the knife they used to carve me up and use it for futher pain, or I can take it out and not let anyone else get a hold of it :O)

I find the more I work for others, stand up for others and help people in need, the better I feel about the person I am. Not because I'm helping, but because I believe it helps me see a world outside of myself and I gain self confidence in seeing that I am valuable and capable. I think you have to learn to love otehrs before you can love yourself fully.

Great point - I feel the same way.
People say you have to love yourself first, but I feel like loving others brings love to yourself.

Personally, I've never found an instance of putting myself first as being very useful.
I find that if I dwell on myself and how to fix me, I dont get anywhere. and Ive noticed in others, usually other depressed people, who think about nothing but themselves..feel worse and worse and cant seem to think about anything other then their problems and how they will fix them. They make small gains that are temporary and fall back into their pit.
This is why I believe that myself, should never come first. Its not that I don't deserve it, but it benefits me more to think outside myself. and Im not talking extremes *L*, but in general.
I, also, dont think its just a matter of what you do, but a mind set. if your out helping others and always fussing about how horrible your life is and how nothing goes right, you will be just as miserable as everyone else.
I found distraction very handy..so I had less time to think about me.

There are the instances where doing for others, loving others, and not being self-centered is correct.

Some issues that I have in mind about "putting yourself first" is to not allow anyone to hurt your feelings unnecessarily or to give so much that it hurts oneself in some way.

My mom and I are very giving, very selfless and I believe that is good.
There are times where I had a low self-esteem issue and I would also not protect myself or my feelings, nor my health.
So my selflessness was a problem for me but not for my mom - she could give and give and have high self esteem. I would give, then let others take too much.

So - I know I can continue being a giving person, love others more than myself, BUT, need to learn how to love myself enough to value myself, to not get trampled on by some other person who will take advantage.

It is an interesting balance isn't it?

I agree that by putting my self first i cause more damage in many ways because i feel selfish and i fixat on my problems and worries and it never ends. I have to help others and that helps me.

I agree that not forgiving hurts me more then anyone but when the situation is so complexe like this one...I have forgiven them but there is no trust left. and very little respect either. not necessaryly on my part but... for the others its like hold a grudge and they respect me but if i dont then i am a door mat to be used. so i just forgive and stay away. i think i am coming to understand that just because they are my family i dont have to make them my friends or like them personaly but i can love and forgive them.

I use to find that very un christian of me but them christian has never had much to do with my family either....so? here i am