BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Long weekend (and long post...)

Hi Chaco

I read your post yesterday and didn't have time to respond yet but I was actually thinking of you at times during the day,down here in NZ. I really felt for you and was very angry on your behalf.

I also know what it feels to be always "the kid". When I was living in London getting over my marriage break-up and my bhuddist bf was refusing to give me any sense of reassurance about our relationship, I came back home for a visit. My fault - I thought it would be cool to go out to our old family beach with my Mum and Dad in a caravan. That now counts as one of the more painful moments in my life. I suddenly felt like a kid again and it really hit me at the time that I was 32 with no family of my own. I felt lost. What made it worse was that my cousin and his smug wife (a bit like your SIL) were staying in the camp ground too. They had 3 kids and everything was just hunky-dory with their lives. I felt like the little matchgirl, looking in through the window at their wonderful lit-up lives. One day my cousin's wife said to me "I couldn't go on holiday with my parents at this age; it would make me feel like a kid.I don't know how you can do it." Closely followed by "It must be terrible to have a marriage break-up - thank goodness I've got my kids - at least if it happened to me I wouldn't be lonely". I had a real crisis and one day just lay in the sand dunes and wept. It is painful thinking back to that time. Because I felt so weird, I acted awful, my Mum exploded one day and yelled at me (completely out of character and a real shock for me), claiming I had ruined our time together and it was time I just "grew up". Those words haunted me for years. I went back to London and went into a major depression and guilt.

A lot came out of that experience for me, but after that holiday I made a silent vow to spend as little time as possible in the future with my cousin and his wife. Actually, years later I bumped into them by accident, when I was feeling fabulous and confident. I made the most of telling her how wonderful and exciting my life was.

But what everyone says is true; steer clear of these relatives- minimise the time with them and protect yourself in an imaginery bubble when you are with them.

The fact that you do not get on with women like that, Chaco, says everything about what a high quality person you are. Hang on to that and start to find women with a more intellectual, socially-conscious mindset. I think you will find you relate very easily to them. And by the Big Sister work you are doing, you are already helping to change the future.

Chaco - sometimes it takes a long time to develop a sense of yourself, and it's especially hard when everyone around you seems to be doing something different to you. When I split with my ex husband at 30, I was a spoiled, obnoxious little brat who'd never worked at anything in her life. I spent the next 6 years pretty much by myself, but it occurred to me not long after my marriage ended that I'd been someone's other half since I was 14. I'd never been single. I had no idea what I wanted from life for me. So I took that time to find out, and had a ball doing it.

Self awareness is a wonderful gift, and it sounds to me like you're pretty self aware. Don't worry too much about anyone else. There are so many people out there who scramble through life looking for that relationship or material thing that will make them happy, and don't find it because they never realise that the answer is internal.

Sometimes it is tough following your own path. People judge you. But when you're happy in yourself, you couldn't care less.

So when all your education has paid off into a great career, and you and your DH celebrate 20 years together, you can listen to your in-laws tell you all about what rampant little sods their kids are, and how they hate their ex since the divorce... before you open another bottle of wine, curl up with the cat, and toast your fabulous life.

Feebee - I'd bet that holidays with your parents now would be so much better. I went away with mine a year ago, and we had a fantastic time ...

Feebee - how horrible! Your cousin's wife sounds like a horrible person.

Distance yourself.
I hated being around my mothers sisters - they are baby mad, traditional and judgmental women - my mother also loves babies and was part of a traditional marriage but she has never forced her beliefs or lifestyle on us - in fact, she encouraged her children to do their very best in all things - she has encouraged university study, careers, travel, independent thought and living.
I got so tired of the snide cracks at extended family functions that I decided to cease all contact with this group. I had nothing in common with these people and didn't see that they had the right to judge me. I found it upsetting then - I wouldn't now - couldn't care less - too busy enjoying life BUT I cared very much when I was in my 20s and 30s.
I had a loving and supportive immediate family which made it easier.
Out of sight, out of mind...

Thank you for all of your thoughts. It is a big help, particularly since MY parents are coming to town this weekend, so in a sense it is "round 2" of the same thing. I am very much looking forward to tuesday!

I admit, I do yearn for family that I want to go and visit. I agree with you Lisa, about not spending time with people who do not make you feel good. I think part of me wishes that these family members were malicious, so that I could just cut them off. But I think they are just ignorant.

Pika, I get the same [censored] from my family. I visit and all I hear about is that I never visit. Wonder why? In addition, my parents have at minimum one event of some sort each year that we MUST attend. So we do. But then, we are asked why we don't visit more, with such winning comments as "the plane flies both ways". Yes, I have noticed. But if I claim broke with my parents (which is often true--two of us working nonprofit jobs and in grad school) they buy the plane tickets.

Lady T, tell them you will think about getting married when the stop asking

FeeBeeGeeBee, you nailed it on the head about feeling like a kid when back with your family. That is exactly how I feel!! I struggle when I have to go home and visit my parents. We had moved my Senior year of HS and I had a really hard time. Went from a diverse, lower middle class neighborhood in NY to all white country club ville in Florda. Needless to say, I did not fit in. Even now, 15 years later, I feel like [censored] when I enter that house. And when I go, it is just like being 17 except worse because when I was 17 I had bought my own car and had a job and could get out of the house. Now when I visit, it is like I am at their mercy with no control over what I do.

I really want to find women with whom I can relate. I wonder why I have such a difficult time. Sometimes I meet younger women, early 20's and we can connect on that. Yet, in most of those cases, by 25, the go all gaga about marriage and babies. If I had a great social network, most of this [censored] would probably not bother me. But with the exception of when I visit this site, I feel like I am from mars!!

Pika, you are so right about the answers being internal. I look at my brother who has followed every line in the script and has all the toys and he just has this look on his face...like, asking himself, how did I get here? Is this it? He really does not understand. He has "everything" yet he does not know who he is.

Hi Chaco-

I just read your post and my heart goes out to you. Some of the things you said I could have written myself. I know how lonely it can be.. It is so hard to find women to relate to. I find myself wondering what is wrong with me, why don't I want children? I am so tired of faking it at all of my coworkers baby showers.

You and your husband sound like amazing people, and I hope you are able to minimize the time you spend with relatives that make you feel bad about yourselves.

I've related to so many things you've said Chaco. I completely have that regression-to-kid feeling around my family. It's almost physical�sometimes I feel smothered by it and get really lethargic and irritable when I'm around them. I hate it.

Around my husband's family, as the only woman without multiple children, I feel like a mutant sometimes...like they've all reached "adulthood" and I've stayed the same, and there's a gulf between us. I guess the way I cope is by remembering how lucky I am to have a fulfilling job and life in other ways, but the feeling is still there.

What do you think is behind the new parents in your family losing their ability to carry on conversation? Is it from sleep deprivation, or is it because they have a baby, and you don't, so they can't think of anything else to talk about?

Frieda, you are right about that mutant feeling. And I do feel like I am looked at like I am the young kid who just doesn't get it...like SIL's comment..."you must not know what it is like when you are a mom...."

I think that they cannot think of anything to talk about. I was not sure until we went back to my brother's house and all of the pictures they have of their friends have the friends either with the kids or pregnant with a kid...their closest friends had a baby two weeks later than them... I don't know that they ever converse with people like myself and my husband. Rarely do they have to come up with something else to talk about!!

On our side, we don't know how to talk about babies and kids....It makes me sad because, like you say, there is a gulf between us. I would like to have a good close relationship with my brother. But the reality is that we just cannot relate on much of anything..

I think when a couple have a child, it becomes their entire focus.
CF people focus on each other, their jobs, lots of things.
That's why you see couples sometimes grow apart after having children - they forget to relate to each other, to look after each others needs.
I've noticed that as couples become parents they mix more and more with other couples with children - the two groups just have very little in common - your lifestyles are usually worlds apart...and so, inevitably you see less of each other.