BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Drifting into childfree?

I LOVED Vienna! The hotel we stayed in was like something out of a storybook, with winding hallways and dead ends and stairs up and stairs down, but all on the same level. We were there only two days, but the city reminded me of Chicago. We had a fantastic time in Europe overall (only were in the Eastern European countries.) Prague and Vienna were my favorites.

I am so glad I found this forum. I'm almost 35 and never considered having kids until the last year or so; the clock is starting to tick very loudly. I've suffered with anxiety and depression over the last year in trying to figure it all out. Many sleepless nights laying awake thinking about it. I struggle so much and waffle back and forth hour to hour. My husband basically will do whatever makes me happy, but I'm not sure what that is. It helps knowing that there are others struggling with the same decision; but I am extremely jealous of those that know that is what they want in their lives and do it. I wish the decision was that easy for me. It really is society that has changed my mind I think. Two couples that we are friends with had their first baby a month apart; that has had a huge impact on my decision. I'm tired of people asking me if we will have kids and when we say no. Why not? I too have been told that I am selfish for not wanting them. My uncle won't even look/talk to me anymore because of our decision. And he's probably right, my reasons are selfish. I'm a coward to go through pregnancy/labor, worried about everything that could go wrong to myself and the baby, worried about how it will change our lives/marriage, etc. Fortunately my parents are very supportive and have made it our decision with no pressure.

Nataz - welcome! I'm only 26, but all my life I've known I didn't want kids. Sometimes I think I was trying to fool myself, and I talked about adoption for a while, but I could never get excited about it.

I am terrified that I will turn 35 and suddenly start wanting a child. I really feel for you. I'm so afraid that my whole mind will change - that would be okay if I really, truly wanted kids, but I don't want kids just because my clock is ticking. Because what happens when I come to my senses and realize that I didn't really want them? By then it might be too late.

It is not your family's decision to make. If you want kids, that is up to you. If you don't want them, TOO BAD FOR THEM. Not having kids is selfish. Having kids is selfish. It's ALL selfish, because we do what we do for US, not for anyone else.

A lot of us here don't want to go through pregnancy/labor. If that was the only thing stopping you from having kids, then I would say maybe you should look into adopting. But, if that's just one of many reasons, then congratulations, you are CF!

Also, I think a lot of women on this board go through some kind of ticking biological clock, or doubts in general.

A lot of us also feel guilty for being CF, for many different reasons. Maybe we feel that we are letting our spouse down, or our family, or our friends, or even ourselves.

I hope that you are able to come to terms with your feelings on this site and make the best decision for you.

Oh, and I think your uncle is being very unreasonable.

Hi Nataz,

I just want to say that there are great, strong, and brilliant people who are child free and have or are living wonderful fruitful lives. Some of the most brilliant scientist, peacemakers, etc were decidedly child free. Does that make them selfish? No. It just means they know what they wanted for their lives.

So does being child free make you selfish? Hell no. You brought up your fears and hesitations which are extremely valid.

I invite you to try something, something I tried with my fence-sitting BF: ask to babysit a child, hopefully for a night or weekend. Does someone in your family or some friends have a child? I'm sure they'd be more than happy to have someone give them free time and you'd be able to decipher whether your want id purely biological or you feel is in your whole being.

Whatever you decide does not make you wrong, selfish, or mean. It makes you what you are: a person of free will.

Nataz: Sorry you are going through this. I've also given the whole parenting thing a LOT of thought. I would venture to guess maybe a lot more thought than many of the people I know that have kids. It is a BIG decision, and you are right to be spending time thinking about it - I'm just sorry that it is causing you so much distress.

I'm sorry that your uncle is mad about you about this - and I think he's out of line. You can't plan the rest of your life, and this is what we are essentially talking about - the rest of your life, around what other people want. Which I guess is kind of what Ingilbert said. But it needs to be said a lot, because most people just don't get that it's a personal choice, not a mandate from the gods.

I think it's interesting that you didn't start thinking about it until recently. I can relate - I am 36, and started thinking about it more over the last couple of years, b/c I know if I am going to have one, I need to get moving. But I have never desired children, so my decision may be easier to make.

It's hard to hear our own thoughts sometimes when everyone around us is screaming BABY BABY BABY. Maybe you can spend a day or two alone so that you can really think about it in a relaxed way. Do you feel fulfilled in your life as it is, or do you feel like children would bring something to your life that you wouldn't have otherwise? People have talked about this in other threads - for example, we can nurture, love and care for people in many ways. We don't necessarily need to have children to be loving and nurturing. What is it about children that appeals to you? Is it the baby phase, do all of the phases of a child appeal to you? Have you spent time with teenagers?

Nataz-

Welcome to the forum! Its nice to see another Arizonan here. Just one thought- you are NOT selfish for being fearful and uncertain about this decision. It is one of the biggest decisions you will make in your life. If others choose to judge you for it that is their problem. If anything it would be selfish to go ahead with having children when you are unsure. It is not exactly something you can take back. I am glad your parents are supportive. Just know that your uncle's problem probably has more to do with him than with you.

I struggled for two years with my decision and I am now happily childfree. My husband was a little disappointed but he seems to have come around nicely. Remember you have to do what is best for you and no one else!

I've stated this on another forum - the biological urge to reproduce is very strong and hard to resist - I never wanted children - I wanted to be independent - free to make my own decisions and to be financially secure - I always wanted to travel. At 37 or so it hit me like a tram and I went through a few years of worry and concern - then almost a panic. My husband did not want kids (he had moved from indifference)so it was easier for me to hold firm. Most of my CF friends and colleagues gave into the urge - one of my closest friends gave birth at 44 and she was always adamant she would never have kids - in fact, she disliked children. So, when I meet someone under 44 and they say they don't want children - in the back of my mind I know that most of them will probably end up with at least one child.
I'm now in my late 40s and content with my CF state - the CF people I know fall into a few categories - women who were not in a relationship or not in a stable or permanent relationship, the spouse did not want children, they could not have children or they drifted into the CF status ie. left it too late and then finally, a small group who just knew it was not for them....
I don't envy anyone going through the "will I, won't I" and forever pushing it to the back of your mind.
Good luck with your decision making. If you decide not to have children rest assured there is life after the decision.
My 40s have been the happiest years of my life - lots of travel, enjoying my work, renovating our beautiful home, entertaining, antique hunting etc. etc.

Nataz,

I've got to wonder how it is in ANY way your uncle's business whether you have children or not? How does it impact his life in any way?

Like everyone else has said, it's YOUR choice. Personally, unless you and your husband BOTH feel an OVERWHELMING urge that you want children, to nurture and raise through all stages of childhood into contributing, responsible adults, then I feel you shouldn't have them. Keep reading older posts in this forum and you'll see links to stories from parents who had kids for the wrong reasons, and can't turn back. Read truemomconfessions.com. It is YOURS and YOUR husband's choice, and nobody, friends, relatives or the mailman has any business in it. If your husband isn't into having kids and you decide to, and is just going along with your decision, be careful, you're most likely going to end up with the bulk of baby care in that case. (Probably in either case!) It's a huge decision and nobody else has the right to try and make it for you.

Cindy

[quote=Deborah49]Most of my CF friends and colleagues gave into the urge - one of my closest friends gave birth at 44 and she was always adamant she would never have kids - in fact, she disliked children. So, when I meet someone under 44 and they say they don't want children - in the back of my mind I know that most of them will probably end up with at least one child.[quote]
Deborah, it's kind of interesting that you feel that way ... maybe my experience is different, but I've generally found that when people tell me they don't want children, they mean it. I haven't actually met anyone who came out and said that, and then changed their mind.

What's everyone else's experience been re this?

Deborah, I found your post really interesting, too. Especially the part about getting "hit like a tram" at 37. I'm 36 - I hope this doesn't happen to me! I would hope that even if I get strong biological urges, I will still be able to reason, and remember why I don't want kids. I have cravings for lots of random things that probably wouldn't be good for me in the long run.

That would have driven me crazy if my CF friends all become parents. I know a few of mine are definitely past childbearing age, and have no regrets. One friend is about 58, had a tubal, and is happily married. The other friend just got married, is 42, and doing very well in her career. She clearly doesn't have time to have kids anyway. My other friend just turned 50, and she's single, and enjoying traveling, working and having her own beautiful townhouse.

My one friend that is single, in grad school and working in publishing has mentioned she might to adopt one day. But I don't get the sense her heart is in it. I think she just feels it's her duty to have a child at some point. She's 38 and I guess she could still adopt one day. But I don't know. I would be disappointed b/c I know I wouldn't get to see her at all. Ironically, she's the friend that has always disappointed when I mention being CF. But if I had kids, we would never see each other. So, it's kind of like, do you want us to be friends, or should I have kids, you know? She lives in another state, and we barely get to see each now.