BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Drifting into childfree?

i realized that i was firmly CF when i was told by my therapist(yes i had a lot of anxiety over this issue and sought help)that even though i'm an only child that i dont' have to have kids if i dont' want to. nobody had ever said that to me and when i realized that she was right that was when i firmly decided that i didn't want them. i kept putting if off b/c i used to think that i had to have a child to make my parents happy but when my best friend got pregnant 5 years ago it really hit me and it made me really think about the fact that i didn't really want any. also my view previously was that my hubby and i would adopt(i never wanted to get preggs yuck!)after we had ample time to "live our life" and i considered having a kid when i was ready for my life to be over in a sense.in fact i started suffering from anxiety and finally got help after a while. i know now that i look back on it my thinking was certainly flawed but that is how i felt.

since i "came out" a few years back my anxiety is so much better and i feel like i can live my life for the rest of my life!

by the way my hubby is from germany and has been living here for 10 yrs. his cousin and i were discussing the kid issue and she feels the same way as me. i wonder if she gets any flack.

indigo

Indigo, that is the kind of advice I think I was looking for before finding this forum. I had never found a therapist who said that. I came here and told my story, and it was met with resounding agreement that it was perfectly okay for me to not have a child. Maybe it's not okay with my family (they still wish I will get back to trying to conceive, no matter what the cost...since we have to go through a fertility clinic) but still it makes me feel better to know SOMEONE agrees that having children isn't required to be a complete woman. I knew that deep down, but when everyone keeps telling you that now that they've seen the light, they know better, it is hard to maintain your position. It's true, I don't know what it's like to be a mom, but like you, I realized I've always kind of dreaded the day my life as I choose to live it is over, and I have to give it up for my children.

Heck, I don't *WANT* to know what it's like to be a mom. From where I'm standing, it looks like a lot of hard work, messy, with little real thanks. It's just not for me! "Dog mom" is plenty of work already, thanks very much! And my dogs make me feel appreciated!

Cindy

Hey, this might give hope to some who are still fence-sitters -- I'm that so typical late 30s woman, everyone I know is either having babies or IVF, wondering all of a sudden if I'd be missing something if I don't join them. Agonized about it, dragged all my mom and non-mom friends into discussions, made my husband envision an invisible kid for over a year.... then suddenly, while out for a walk by myself one night a few weeks ago I just KNEW. We are not meant to have a kid, and we're not going to. That's just not who we are. My husband's reaction: a moment of disappointment and then relief and complete acceptance. Peace at last!

BTW Juli - I'm going to be in Salzburg in a couple of weeks - where do you live in Austria?

I was told that medically, I shouldn't have children when I was 20 (severe depression related.) I wasn't disappointed so much as relieved when I thought of all the freedom I could have with my life. I was engaged when I was 33 and discovered that with medical advances, it is possible now to have children. My husband and I were excited about it and immediately consulted specialist doctors on the subject. They gave us the thumbs up. Then we started arguing about possible baby names. After we hashed out a boy's and a girl's name, strangely, all my desire to parent left me. Apparently, all I wanted was to name a child and nothing else!!!!! So I eventually got two cats and named them instead (Tiggy and Buddy, for want of better names!!!) My husband is still a little disappointed with my decision, but seems to be more accepting as time goes by. So, to answer your question, Tubby, for me it seems as though I did drift into the decision. But it feels right for me.

Great post Mophead. Love the year of the invisible kid part. And the dragging all the mom-friends into discussions...I know exactly what you mean! I'm so tired of having to do that, And my friends/colleagues/acquaintances/any human with ears are getting tired of it too I think! Partially why this forum is so great...I feel free to talk about it as much as I want with people who are really able to hash it out with me.

I hope the decision happens like that for me. Sometimes I wish a spirit would come down and knock me upside the head and tell me "THIS is how your life is supposed to be." Stupid, I know.

Frieda, I'm right there with you. I'm in exactly the same place, but gradually coming to an acceptance. I'm a Libran too, and I am like a pendulum when it comes to big decisions. I don't know if you read in any of my posts about me being headhunted recently for a big job but you should have seen the agony I have been through over the last few weeks over it. I accepted the job over two weeks ago and I am STILL second guessing myself about it and my friends/family have just about gone crazy with my indecision. So with the child issue I have been back and forth a million times. I think I know now that it's just not meant to be for me, but it doesn't stop me having fairly regular "moments" where I still wonder. I just wish there weren't so many medical advances nowadays, as people still tell me I have time, even at nearly 42.

I have to say though, that peace is coming and I am feeling very bright about the future without kids. But I have never been someone who knew they didn't want one - I've wanted kids, but never enough to do it in a bad relationship or as a single Mum. So it is hard, because I am all too aware of some of the special things I will miss too.

BUT when my mind gets out of fantasy and into reality, I feel relieved. For example, it's now Saturday night 9.30pm in NZ and I'm exhausted and going to bed, because I need my sleep. I need 9-10 hours a night ideally. I wouldn't last a week as a mother. So I don't know what I'm thinking really...

It's soooo great to have this forum and to meet people like you who are grappling with exactly the same issues. This truly is a miracle for me.

Lovely, Pikasam. Great words.

Thanks mophead - this is actually really helpful. Did you have any moments of doubt after this sense of knowing? When you say "everyone I know is either having babies or IVF, wondering all of a sudden if I'd be missing something if I don't join them" I can really relate. I appreciate your post and knowing that someone else has eventually reached full acceptance.

Thank you all for your welcoming me! :-)

It doesn't matter from where we are - we all have the same problems. That really feels good, because everybody in my neighborhood has children...
And they all ask: "Who's next (looking at me...)

frieda: That's cool, where are your grandparents from?

mophead: I live near vienna - in the east of austria (salzburg - vienna: 400 km --> 266 miles I think ;-) )