BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Reason not to have kids if you don't want them

Great post, Frieda. I hope she does read it. You are so right, now that she has chosen to bring this young life into the world, she is responsible for giving that little girl the best mother she can possibly be, even if it isn't working out as wonderfully as she hoped. It ain't all Kodak moments, people.

Cindy

Thanks Cindy.

It kind of goes back to we were discussing with Confused Husband about his wife, with this thing about if he doesn't give her a child she'll be doomed to a life of misery, forever angry with him. What if he gives it a try and it doesn't work as planned?

The question is can people accept their life if it changes course in a way they couldn't "plan" or "control" or "foresee"? Or, do they feel doomed to misery because they didn't get what they wanted? Since I've been "childless" at times, I had to make that choice myself, so I know what that's like to some degree, though I admit to not having a huge passion for the job.

I think part of the angst this person is having with motherhood is that she chose this for herself, so it came as a surprise to her that she doesn't like it. Lots of people become mothers by accident, or when they're too young to make an educated decision, and it would be more natural for them to complain or be ingrateful for their little blessings.

I think it's different for men, though. It's more "socially acceptable" when they walk away from their families, they can be part-time parents. Not so for women, they're considered worse than monsters if they leave their children.

I knew a girl who gave her baby up for adoption. It was the best thing she could have done for the baby, and herself, at the time. She truly would have ruined her life, and probably the baby's, if she had kept it and become a single mother. Now she is married to a wonderful guy and they are expecting their first child together. What she did was truly unselfish and in the best interest of the child. Why can't more people see that? I think it's because there's no stigma attached to teen/single (not divorced) motherhood anymore. People expecting they can have/do it all.

Cindy

Nice post, Frieda. It's sentiments like these that draw us into our oasis; we validate each other, we affirm that we're so like others in our compassion, we're not child-hating, selfish weirdos; we've simply made a different choice after SO much consideration.

Indeed, you showed much compassion in your whole post; you show an understanding as much as you can try to walk in that mother's shoes.

Thanks! I've been privately stewing about this thread for days, and not commenting about it.

I just want to clarify when I was talking about this mother in particular wanting to give her child up for adoption...I definitely am pro-adoption if someone is not up to raising a child. But, in this situation I think the child is already past the infant stage, and at least a toddler. I think that is a whole different thing, to live with the child for months and months or even years, allow it to know you and become attached to you, and THEN decide to put it up for adoption...and not for financial reasons, just because you're tired of how hard it is to be a parent. To me that would be cruel, and that child would grow up with some serious abandonment issues.