BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids My wife wants kids, but I'm having 2nd thoughts

I just wanted to share a little story with Catherine and with CH.

When I was 32 I travelled to London to live, after my divorce. It was a big brave move, I can tell you. My husband had left me for another woman, after having an affair for 10 months. Devastating stuff, but rather than "withering", I blossomed. I decided "the best revenge was a life well-lived" and I went out and LIVED. Having my husband leave me was a huge blessing for my personal growth and confidence. Then I landed in London. I had been there a few months when I met a man who I fell very much in love with. He pursued me, and I felt that he was my soulmate. We began a serious relationship that I totally believed would lead to marriage and children. After a year when nothing concrete seemed to be happening, I broached the subject. He said that he wasn't sure he wanted marriage or children. I was shattered. But he persuaded me to stay and I worked on the presumption that "he would come round" and he'd be a great Dad. I was determined to convince him. This relationship carried on in this state of denial for 3 years until he stated that he wanted to go to a bhuddist community for a year. He told me that this was the only thing preventing his commitment, and that he would return and marry me and have children. Now this all seems crazy but we did love each other and neither of us wanted to let go. To cut a long story short, two months before he was due back from the monastery, he called and said he couldn't come back and was going to become a monk. He told a mutual friend that it was the hardest thing he had ever had to do in his life. Here I was 38, single again, childbearing years down the toilet, angry and frustrated, and feeling like an abject failure.

It was at that point that I felt the anger that Catherine expressed. I was tired of hearing about men who bailed at the thought of taking responsibility for wives or children. I was hurt and I was scared. I would wake up in the night in shock that I wasn't going to have children. After a period of grieving for six months, I flung myself out there in the hopes of quickly meeting a potential husband and father (online dating etc). Of course it didn't work.

Fast forward to nearly 4 years later. I have grown HUGELY from the experience. I have come to terms with the fact I won't have children, and am now actually RELIEVED and can see what other things are available to me in life. During my years in London I simultaneously advanced my career in leaps and bounds and brought an international reputation back to NZ with me. I have met and married the most wonderful kind, gentle man. I am learning to be a stepmum. I have adopted (well, sponsored...) a little Nepalese girl in an orphanage set up by a NZ woman and am looking forward to meeting her and maybe bringing her over here to study when she is older, to give her opportunities. I get a strong feeling that something special is going to happen with that. I have a rich, fabulous life and I wouldn't change my unexpected and difficult past situations for anything because they have made me who I am and deepened my experiences for writing and understanding of others.

I forgive my ex bf and wish him well on his bhuddist path. I am so glad that he didn't bow to my pressure to have children. It would have been terrible feeling that he wasn't fully present as a father. I wouldn't say I forgive my ex husband, but I think of him very rarely, and feel sorry for him (he is now cheating on the woman he cheated on me for). I am relieved I did not have children with him.

Catherine: I can understand where your anger is coming from. But I want you to know that people parting ways does not necessarily spell the end of the world. And my wonderful new husband fell in love with me when I was 39. He thinks I am a beautiful woman with a gorgeous body (HE thinks that, not ME!!!!). He treats me like a princess. I didn't have to be 22 when I met him with "breasts pointing to the sky" or however it was described.

CH: You are going through a dreadful time. There is nothing worse than when our gut tells us that may be on the wrong path and we know that getting off it may cause devastation to another person.You may not be on the wrong path - you just have to keep exploring to get to the root of the issues. But I want you to know, that if you are, the most honourable thing you can do is face up to it. In the end you will be forgiven and you may free your wife up to be with someone she is meant to be with or to follow a different path she is meant to follow. The universe works in surprising ways. But, I do agree that marriage is precious, and you want to be very sure and very honest before making any big decisions. Honesty can be painful, yes, but it is the only true way for a relationship to move forward, whatever the consequences. I wish you well in your explorations and do try to make a decision that is fair to both you and your wife. It is clear to me that you do take your marriage vows seriously - seriously enough to question whether you should go through with fatherhood when it is not feeling right. Unfortunately life is not quite as black and white as Catherine makes out, although I am sure she is good-intentioned.

Feebee, that was an interesting story. I too have done that with men, hoping they would come around to my way of thinking. I know better now.

I know that if a man is on a different track then you are, even if you do convince them to adopt your way of thinking, it will come back to bite you in the [censored] before too long. The secret is to ferret the reality of what the person wants and who they really are without making it seem like they HAVE to be a certain way. I think both sexes try to force a round peg into a square hole in cases like this.

Wow, I missed all the fun while I was away.

And CH, I feel for you. At the start of April I split with a great guy that I had dated for almost four years. We talked marriage and commitment. What went wrong? He literally woke up one day and realised that he wasn't ready to write the possibility of having children out of his life.

Yes, it was a rough couple of months. I suspect more so for him, because he was the fence sitter - I'd always been very clear that I didn't want children, and on the occasions when the subject had come up he'd gone to great lengths to avoid talking about it, so he was well aware that the subject was a deal breaker for me.

When the bomb finally dropped, I didn't try to talk him out of it, or change his mind. Being strong in my CF stance was my lifesaver - because I knew that this was a non negotiable, and there was only one solution. Therefore, there wasn't much point in a dialogue. He was on one side, I was on the other, and as other people here have pointed out - there is no compromise.

We don't talk now. I've been pretty much cut out of his life, and I can imagine why - because I'm the b***h that wouldn't change her mind. If I'd really loved him, I'd have had his child (picture hand pressed to forehead with dramatic sigh). But I've bounced off this a lot faster than he has, from what I hear. Why? Because I spent many years learning myself and what I wanted, and being very sure of my decision. He doesn't have that comfort. It may be that he thinks he's made the worst decision of his life, and totally screwed up. It may be that he'll find his baby momma and have his kids, still not be sure it's what he really wants. and hate it. Like so many people, he hasn't ever taken the time to explore what he wants and the reasons for it, he just follows along with the life script. It might work for him. Then again, it might not. A divorce rate of 50% would indicate that for about half of us, it doesn't.

What's the point of this sad story?
1. I think that if your wife wants children as badly as you think - then a split might not be as devastating for her as you imagine.

2. Your need to be very, very sure about what you want before you open your mouth and screw up what you have. Because once it's screwed, it can't be fixed.

3. You have time to think about this. Don't be pressured into something you don't want when you have the time to step back and think about it.

4. You really, really, REALLY need an independent third party to mediate this for you. And as someone pointed out above, you need to be sure that the third party is not going to judge or pressure you. Yu need some neutral ground to discuss what is a very emotive subject.

I wish you luck. This has the potential to be a long and emotional journey with no happy ending. But it's more common than you think, and you're not alone.

Pikasam, I am so sorry to hear of your story. But I am so in admiration for your strength and conviction. As you will see from my story, I have waffled about a lot, and I was not brave enough to let go of my London relationship, when I should have done much earlier (I wanted kids, he didn't). He should have let go too. I admire your honesty, your self-knowledge, and your honour in walking away and standing by your beliefs. I can imagine you have a much more peaceful life than I do. I am always back and forthing on my viewpoint and it takes me years to come to a peace. Typical Libran - can always see both sides of everything! Anyone with your degree of honour will receive great rewards in life.

ps, Pikasam, I didn't mean to have a goofy, smiley face icon on my last post...

Good for you, Feebeegeebee! You've faced a lot of disappointment and made the best out of it.

I'll say. And come out of it more fabulous than ever. What's the saying, success is it's own revenge??

What sounds better, to me, is:

"Living well is the best revenge."