BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids My wife wants kids, but I'm having 2nd thoughts

I just want you to understand where my frustration is coming from. Yes, you've only been here a few days, and I don't expect you to make up your mind about anything. However, everyone is giving you lots of what I think is good advice, things you really should think about, and you seem to have a reason why none of it will work. And then you go from saying that you have several options to saying that you guess you'll have a kid because you'll be less miserable with a kid than on your own.

I'm sorry, but that attitude is very frustrating to me. It seems lazy and certainly not fair to your wife or your future child. No one wants a reluctant parent/spouse. Or someone down the line telling the kid that their dad never really wanted them. And yes, your attitude does also seem dependent, though you say that you're not dependent. That's what I meant when I said that you've already made up your mind and just want validation for that choice. You've already convinced yourself that everything else is just so horrible that you aren't even seriously considering it.

Taking the lesser of the two evils is not the right choice. I encourage you to go through with your plan of joint counseling. If your wife is a grownup, she'll be willing to sit down and talk with you about this. That is what a healthy marriage is all about. The world didn't end when I had my discussion with my husband, and believe me, it wasn't a pretty discussion. It was extremely emotional, but it cleared the air, we both feel better, and we realized that we love each other more than any potential child or separation.

If you are going to have a child, you need to go into it because you really WANT the child - not because you don't want to try to find another spouse, not because you just want to placate your wife, etc.

Catherine, I cannot believe you'd advocate bringing a child into this world under ANY circumstance in which it was not FULLY desired by BOTH parents, especially championing the nauseating, "Save the Marriage" cause. *gag*


Oh brother. You're talking about her like her face launched a thousand ships, too. And you act like CH kidnapped her. Marriage isn't like that, hun.


Oh no you canNOT assure him of that. You know why? Because that's the way YOU feel. CH is different. He's not you. And you could no more assure him that he'll enjoy anchovies if he's trying to tell you he really doesn't think he'll like them based on the smell. Trying to therapeutically cure a childfree person with a kid's eyes could be like trying to cure someone's fear of heights by forcing them to skydive. "Tryyy it...you'll loooove it..." For some people, it doesn't matter if the kid is their own. And GOD FORBID CH ever looks in the eyes of his child, gets a stomach cramp and thinks, I should never have had you.

Angela-
Bravo!!! Cheers!!! Applause, applause, applause!!! I, for one, really appreciate your witty and accurate comments. It is nice to hear from someone who thinks things through before she writes! :-)

Angela,
I agree with antikid. You made your points very well.

Confused Husband and Catherine,
Please read the following from the founding non-father of No Kidding!, Jerry Steinberg. I have posted this quote before and feel it is worth posting again.

I was married for five years, until my wife decided that she wanted children after all, and we reluctantly went our separate ways. We respected each other enough not to try to prevail upon the other; we also knew that if one succeeded in convincing the other, it would probably result in dissatisfaction with the life that one had been forced into, and animosity against the other. She has since remarried and is the happy, but busy, mother of two; and we are still good friends. I, too, have remarried, and my wife and I have a cat and three dogs. I guess people who can't have pets have kids (hey, just kidding!).

Sharon and I were able to find a compromise on every issue that arose -- whether it was which restaurant we would go to, which car we would buy, or where we would live. Unfortunately, the issue of children offers no compromise. One would have been too many for me, and none wouldn't have been enough for her.
Sounds like Jerry and Sharon moved on and they each got the wanted in terms of kids, none for Jerry, two for Sharon. I don't think either of them is permanently scarred emotionally either.

Mike

Great addition to the thread, Mike; definitely apropos.

I am only speaking for myself here. I know how I am and I would not feel comfortable about a decision I made about to have children or not if it were made with the backdrop of a man who did not want children.

I feel there are certain things that I want settled in my mind so I know MY OWN mind long before a man becomes involved in the equation. I have spent far too many years bending to others will, its time I live my life that way I want to and if that means alone then so be it.

Catherine, there is a recurring theme in your comments to the effect of "he promised her babies." CH has said at least twice that he was undecided when they married. Even if he had promised her offspring, he has the right to change and grow as much as anyone else. And on major life decision topics (especially this one!), such changes in ideas and life plans are best made before procreating.

Here's a thought: Pretend he takes your insane advice and has a child with his wife, even if he has serious reservations to the extent of being fairly sure he does not want to be a father. Would you want to be in the shoes of ANY member of that family? Would you want to live the life of a mother who has little emotional and practical parenting support from her spouse because the creation of that child was little more than blackmail to keep him around longer? Would you want to be the father who let himself be talked into a lifetime commitment with someone he never met and never desired to meet? Would you want to be the child who can't help but notice that Daddy doesn't seem to want him around much and bickers with Mommy when Mommy calls him a poor father?

CH, maybe you should play a little "what would that feel like" game, too...

"Her husband made commitments to be the father of her children so he got her breasts when they pointed to the heavens."

First of all Catherine, a woman, AND her breasts are not objects to be "gotten". CH did not make a deal to "get" his wife and her breasts. Sure, there are men out there who are concerned with one thing. CH sure seems like a thinker to me. If he wasn't, than he would have just said "go for it" to his wife and then just avoid the kid when it is born.

As far as physical beauty goes some people are in BETTER shape in their 30's. I was 30 pounds heavier when I met my husband. I am in the best shape of my life. It is possible to be HOT in your 30's.

You do not know me so you have no idea what my experiences with men have been. I am sorry that yours have been so negative. What I learned from my experiences is that there is more to life and to my happiness than a MAN. My life is fulfilling in many ways. I depend on myself and no one else. I think that is part of what makes my relationship so great.

Maybe those Daddy's think of themselves as an island because they never wanted kids and were afraid to explore the option of not doing so.

I just want to add does your wife have first hand experience with spending a LOT of time with kids?
I teach little kids and it was a REAL eye opener that kids can be HARD WORK and it put me RIGHT OFF the idea.
Maybe she needs some way of being around kids in the real world, having to change diapers and so on to see if it IS what she really wants.

CH, I am weighing in a bit late here.

I don't have any magic bullets for you, but I want to say that I feel for both you and your wife. I am with the others who recommended (non-religious) counseling, since I think that will be your best hope of discovering if you can save your marriage. And ultimately, if you can't, it is far better to know this sooner rather than later, and especially before any children (biological/adopted/foster) are in the picture.

Without doubt divorce is an unspeakably painful event. It changes people. Yes, in some ways worse than a death. There is always someone who will accuse you of not taking your vows seriously and entering divorce lightly. I guess those people have never watched a loved one struggle and suffer through a divorce. People don't usually embrace divorce, they endure it.

Despite some of the holier-than-though bombast out there, know that people DO survive divorce. And they can find themselves, far, far happier down the road later. My husband was married before. Sometimes people grow apart instead of growing together.
Is he happier with me? Absolutely. Is he glad he did not have kids with his ex? Oh yeah.

I would say please, please, please, do not have a child if you do not want a child. Not fair to you, your wife, or the child.

The vows your husband and wife said to each other were to each other, not to potential children. With all respect to your wife, if she knew you were a fence sitter, I am not sure why she went forward with the marriage. Certainly she loved you then and loves you now, but I think maybe she assumed that you would want kids "when the time was right." I used to think the same thing - that I would want kids when the time was right. Then I found the right guy and realized there would never be a right time for kids. And we are fine with that now, although it took some time and a lot of talking before we were both on the same page. I think you are doing a lot of soul searching. I hope your wife is doing the same. I don't think either of you should live a lie. Be careful about the "sacrifice" (your word) -- I think it's a trap.

One other thought, and this is not meant as a criticism. And I may be off base. But I don't think that if you change your job situation that you will feel any differently. I think that is an excuse for not wanting kids and an attempt to hang on until the time and circumstances are "right". The reason I say that is because I always thought I would be ready, but first I was in grad school, then changing jobs, then commuting, then our place was too small, then I was traveling too much for work, then I was getting too old...when the real truth was that I really did not want kids. Ever.

Wishing you and your wife both strength, a resolution, peace, and happiness.