BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Guilt

Time has been passing quickly-it feels like a month ago that I wrote saying that my brother and his wife were having a baby and that it stirred up a lot of crazy emotions. Mainly my "desire" to have the desire to get pregnant.

Well now it is six or seven months later and baby is due any day. I spoke with my mother earlier today and they are literally glued to the phone waiting for the day they can be called grandparents. And as they put it to me, that I can be called aunt.

I have ZERO enthusiasm for this whole thing. And I feel very guilty about it. Granted, I am half Jewish and half Catholic, which means I feel guilt about just about everything...but that is another story...

I don't feel excited for them. I don't feel excited for my parents being grandparents. When they bring it up I just feel awkward and don't know how to respond.

I have been giving this a lot of thought as to why this is so uncomfortable to me. One thing I have been thinking about is that never in my brother's 29 years has he mentioned to me that he WANTS to be a father. As they used to push my husband and I as to when we would have kids, I did the same to him when he was married. He would change the subject and never wanted to talk about it. His wife on the other hand has been ready to be a mom forever and three years ago (she was 27) was concerned that she was running out of time!

My brother has a very stressful corporate job. In a way, the post from confused_husband made me think of my brother...I wonder if he ever felt like that? He works 60 hours per week at his job that 80% of the time he hates. Up until the baby announcement, I would try and encourage him to make a move. He wanted to be a college professor or a politician. He was always to concerned to make the move and be without his high salary, convinced there was no way to make ends meet. My husband and I's first reaction when hearing about the baby was that my brother would now never be able to leave that job. Or at least he would not let himself....financially they are doing very well, particularly for him being 29 years old!! They put an extra $500 per month into their mortgage, and have contributed the max to their 401k since they started working at 22.

My brother is the king of "doing the right thing". I guess I am afraid that this is another instance of where he is doing so. As recently as last christmas, we were playing some silly game and my mother and his wife were picking on him for his lack of interest in babies.

I am sorry for this ramble. Has anyone ever felt like this? How can I make myself enthusiastic about this? My husband and I will be in town for his dad's retirement party (his dad and my brother live in the same city). We are only staying a few days, plan to get a hotel and will visit the new baby but not stay at the house. Already my mother has asked why we are not staying longer when we can hang out with the baby and SIL (brother will be at work). She does not understand or won't understand, that this is not our thing. But should it be? Am I wrong not to spend extra time?

Thank you for listening. Amusingly, this is the SIL that calls our cats not by their names but by "cat". If one comes near her she points and goes, "cat!"

I feels better just to rant

Chaco, I'm thinking about you. I am so NOT looking forward to my SIL having her baby. She's already the center of attention because of it. The in-laws are talking about cousins and stuff already. I don't want to be around these people!

And I feel so sorry for my SIL, as much of a pain as she is. Her husband is a manager at a plant who works 16+ hour days. He gets called to the plant in the middle of the night for emergencies. They have to change their plans last-minute because he has to work. He makes a lot of money, but money isn't everything.

My SIL finally got a teaching job she likes, and she'll have to take maternity leave in the middle of the year. She was working on her degree this summer, and I just wanted to ask her, why bother? She's probably going to end up a SAHM like her mom, and then where will she be? It took her 4 years of being an aide to get this position.

It makes me nervous all around, for everyone. Not just me. And I am so WAY not enthusiastic. They are not getting any handmade stuff from me, even though I do it for all the other babies.

And it's so hard for me to even pretend to be happy. It's awful. I used to be so good at hiding my feelings. I just think they should have waited. At least, I expected they would wait.

One thing I can tell you about most new Mothers, they are affraid of sick people being around their baby.

If I were you, I would develop a terrible case of something awful, bronchitis, something so they will be worried about you being there for the big event and the post celebration. Maybe that would give you time to deal with the whole idea, maybe find a way to put in an appearance when you have to without feeling so upset.

P.S. I don't trust people who don't like cats.

I don't think you're wrong in feeling the way you do. Feelings are feelings, but you can do something about them if you want to. I would try and get excited about the positive thing that's coming out of it - you having the opportunity to be the cool aunt if you so choose. I don't want kids of my own, but I do get excited (I guess almost like grandparents do) when I think that I'll get to spoil my nieces/nephews and give them back or that I'll be there for them to talk to when they have no interest in talking to their parents. Does thinking about those things excite you at all?

I think about those future opportunities in order to get me through the baby stage. The baby stage is the least fun if you ask me. I enjoy holding babies, but once they're crying or they throw up I say "Here you go!" to the parents. And I do sympathize with having to hang with people who are talking non-stop about baby stuff because that's not something I can relate to or something I really have interest in hearing about.

Chaco: Sorry you are going through this. I wasn't excited when my sister was pregnant either, but partly due to the fact that she wasn't married, and was in a bad place in her life. My Dad was totally mad at her until she had the baby, and then he melted. I was also thrilled when my nephew arrived. It can be fun to be around them if you aren't responsible for them. But I think I just remembered that you like the older kids, right? So I can see where you are coming from.

I think having nieces/nephews actually gives us a chance to experience being around a little person (if we want to, of course) and enjoy only the fun parts. I think I have actually been extremely active in my nephew's life b/c I knew I wasn't having kids of my own. But everyone is different, and you should go with your feelings. A short visit is respectable, and you shouldn't feel obligated to do more than that if it doesn't feel right. It isn't all about her just because she just had a baby. Your feelings are important, too, and if they were having an afternoon of paintball, you probably wouldn't hang around for that either if it wasn't your thing.

I think your situation must be more annoying b/c it's more of a traditional scenario and your parents are excited b/c it's a good thing. And I can understand feeling a little left out that you aren't providing them with this baby. I would definitely make a point of doing things that you enjoy and being around people that make you feel good and get you.

I hope your brother truly wants this child, or he has a long road ahead of him. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have an intense job like he has, and have to deal with a crying baby when he should be sleeping. Good luck with everything. It will get better with time. It's all really new to everyone.

lmgilbert, it is funny, my SIL just got her first teaching job last year. So she did not work for two years to go to school, worked for a year and is now having a baby. I don't know what their plans are...my brother is traditional...but also cheap, so we will see whether she stays home. I can see him doing a cost-benefit analysis right now!

Lisa, I love your comment about cats. I feel the same way. I understand that some cats are standoffish, but still...One of my poor cats, he tried so hard to make friends with my family. My dad was the only one who would touch him. My family acts so weird around animals. I have honestly never seen anything like it.

Katie, I see what you mean. Unfortunately, not much about kids gets me excited. When the kid is 13 and a troublemaker than I am good to go! I can take them from 13-18, help them apply to college, get a job, etc. Until that age, try as I might, no pleasant thoughts emerge. This is likely why I always thought, "what is wrong with me? why don't I gush about babies?"

Happy, what is interesting is that while I don't really relish the idea of being around a young person, I seem to have more tolerance of kids in disadvantaged situations. I work with kids through Big Brothers Big Sisters and seem to be okay with them (if they are teens, great, but even 8 plus).

I think the difficult thing with my parents is that they are so oblivious to my feelings, despite multiple efforts to express them and keep pushing the whole thing. Every conversation, Baby Baby isn't it wonderful? Aren't you excited? Can't you wait, etc. etc. I have told my mom, I wish I could be excited, but I cannot get excited about babies...next week, same questions!!

I hope I am wrong about my brother. I hope that he is excited and thrilled and will be happy with the direction of his life. I guess time will tell...

Lisa:
You are a women after my own heart - I don't trust people who don't like cats! This feeling has always worked for me...
I thought I was the only one that felt that way :O)

Cats know when a person is bad. I've always been a cat person -- and cats just get to knowing me in less time than it takes to swish their tails I've been judged good by cats (and their human slaves) everywhere

The cool thing about this is that YOU'RE not the one having the kid -- your brother is. You can take yourself off the hook, relinquish the guilt, and keep living your own happy life, making apologies to no one.

You know, some people get all excited about seeing someone's new house. I don't. I could care less. Other people walk in and say the typical, "Okay! Give me the grand tour!" People get excited about their own homes -- my boss is one of them who just took like 70-some pictures of her new house, put them on Shutterfly, and e-mailed them to us. I couldn't care if she was living in a rat hole or a mansion. But some people get all pumped about that stuff.

Same thing with babies. If babies aren't your thing (no matter if it's your brother's or not), no one can expect you to get wicked ecstatic about it, and you don't have to pretend.

If I were you, I'd let myself off the hook and just settle for "being happy that they're happy." Hold the baby if you want, go to lunch, and go about your business. Count your own blessings, and take it all lightly.

That's great! I don't care about that stuff either. I try to be excited for my friends when they are excited, but if it isn't your thing, it isn't your thing. I don't know anything about cars, and I don't care about them. As long as it runs, I will drive it. I don't need anything fancy. It's nice to have a nice place to live, too. But people took square footage, etc. I just don't care.

One of my SAHM friends sends like a huge book of pictures out through snapfish, and it's like, who the hell has time to look at all of them? It just isn't that fascinating to someone outside of the immediate family. I ran across a baby picture when I was going through paperwork yesterday, and I have no idea whose baby it is. I guess I will throw it out.