BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Alpha Moms

Childless, I guess, is another way of putting it, Herbs. I also like "childfree by chance", when referring to people who've come to peace with their childless state after much water has gone under the bridge.

Welcome!

Elise

I love hearing that so many of us are not obsessed with our appearance!! I have often been "reprimanded" for my appearance (silently or otherwise). I lived in LA for awhile and that was the worst! People are less freaky about that kind of stuff in NM. We have one girl at work who notices if you wear the same pair of pants in a given week, or if you always wear the same outfit on the same day each week. Does it really matter?? Yeesh. I am who I am, take it or leave it!
lmgilbert, it is good that you appreciate your hair. I am told that I have very nice hair, but I have no appreciation for it and it rarely leaves its ponytail!!

Yet another item on my mental list of reasons not to breed: I might pass on my hair! This wavy, sometimes curly, thick, heavy, frizzy mess is annoying (a sarcastic "thank you" to my Greek relatives for this little bequest). Right now, it's just almost at shoulder length, but that's only because I had it hacked off again recently. My cut is a simple, straight line, all one length.

I get it chopped every six to twelve months, depending on how frustrated I am with it. Some years there is enough for a Locks of Love donation (I kind of feel sorry for the people that get wigs with MY hair in them...), but this year wasn't one of them. An extra hot, humid summer shortened my patience.

Lynette, either your hair grows much more slowly than mine, or you donate much more than the 10 to 12 inches I donate. I can't imagine waiting 2 years for a cut. My hair grows fast enough that I could sit on it in that time!

(Also, Lynette, every time I address you that way, I feel like I'm talking to myself. I sometimes use my middle name...)

I wonder if this may help : my eldest stepsister, A, is 55, she and her husband, R, love kids and had planned to have kids when they married (they married late, she was in her late 30s when she married) but they couldn't after trying for at least 2 years. Then once, she conceived, but had a miscarriage, after that, they never could have kids.

They considered adoption but decided against it. I'm not sure about all the details in-between, (because I'm much younger than she is, I'm now 28. I don't think I'd have been a good confidante for her 15 years ago ^^) but from what I observe, the strong bond between husband and wife makes up for the lack of children that they've wanted. They're very close, and go on vacations at least twice a year. They have different "projects" to do together, and enjoy their work, and they plan their retirement early. Now R is retired, and cooks lots of great dishes at home. A is planning on retiring within 2 years, and it's only since these 2 years that they've kept a "child substitute" (for lack of a better word), 2 hamsters. When the hamsters died, they now have a rabbit. They plan on moving to a new apartment when A retires, and to have a dog.

I remember R fell ill a few years after A's miscarriage, something to do with blood vessels, and was hospitalised for about 2 weeks. he was really scared. I guess the illness reminded him he might die one day. A was with him all the time, I think that strengthened them immensely, and made them see that when they get older, it's not other people that they rely on, but each other. They never mentioned even adoption after that.

hope it's helpful, even if it's not first-hand experience.

by the way, I'm much closer to A than my 2nd step-sister, who has a son (my age, by the way, though technically, he should be my nephew!) I think it's because A keeps herself and her mind young, because the energy she reserved for her children could be used on herself and R, so I find it much easier to talk to her.

Hi herbs_editor

I am also childfree not by choice, but am peacefully coming to terms with it, and am actually now really excited about being so. I am now becoming relieved I wasn't in a position (relationship-wise) to have children in my 30's (am now 41) and that life has worked out for me this way.

My scenario is that it just hasn't worked out for me from a relationship perspective. I have only now found myself in a truly stable loving relationship with a man I would like to have children with. And he is now infertile (always had a really low sperm count - his 20 year old son was pretty much a miracle child) and wouldn't have more children if it was up to him.

I have struggled quite a bit with this over the years. In my 20s I was over-influenced by my ex-husband who hated children (and most of humanity in fact). In my 30s I was in London very much in love with a commitmentphobic man who resisted marriage and children and eventually scarpered to a bhuddist community where he could hide in the hills. I was longing to have children with him (all a fantasy of Kodak moments of course and because I longed to have his commitment to me - not well thought through) and I went through quite a crisis and sense of loss about finding myself childless not by choice after we broke up. And recently with my husband it has been challenging at times, with me putting some pressure on to get him to agree to have children (am embarassed about that now, but I understand it was part of our respective journeys).

He agreed that he would be willing to try, and ironically from that point on I think I've been coming terms with deciding myself that it's just not the right thing to do. Finding this community during a google search has really helped. It's made me stop and think what having children would really be like at this late stage, and its helped me feel really positive about a CF life.

Anyway, I'm starting to feel a sense of liberation. After reading posts on this forum I went out for a walk in my beachside community one Sunday afternoon. Usually I would see families and mothers and feel a pang of being left out. This time I made myself REALLY LOOK at these parents and try to put myself in their places. When i looked I saw that the mother with the cute baby was in despair because it was knocking the food she gave it out of its mouth into the sand, the parents pushing the stroller looked tired and grumpy, the Dad with teenagers looked harassed.

I'm really starting to feel good about being childfree and empowered in that decision. And I am realising that maybe I'm the lucky one, not the parents. And now that I don't have that "turning 40 and having a last-minute baby" barrier in my mind, the rest of my life has opened up to me in glorious colour. Interestingly a week after I came to my peace, I was offered an amazing job that I have accepted today. This job will really put me at the forefront of my industry and would be impossible for me to do well with children. Through my work I will continue to bring audiences to the arts - a really worthwhile mission. We are starting to plan some serious travel, including visiting the Nepalese orphan I support. I have written a long list of really worthwhile things I want to achieve in my life. I've adopted a cat who really needed a loving home. Tonight I'm looking after my friend's kids while she has a romantic weekend away to celebrate her wedding anniversary. (I'm finding it completely exhausting by the way!) My teenage niece is currently in crisis with her mother and I can step in and be a supportive adult who is not too closely involved, helping my sister. I have the time and energy.

And I wrote a post a while back about all the things I'm planning to do when I get old, since I don't have to worry about family obligations and looking after grandkids (unless I have a step-grandkid - yikes!).

I really feel I've rambled in this post and not been able to succinctly express all the things I'd like to say to you. I want you to know that I have had to grieve and come to terms with being CF, and it's been very painful at times, but now I am really really OK with it and really really excited about my life. I hope that makes you feel less alone and somewhat hopeful.

It does for me Feebee..thanks for sharing! My journey has been much the same mentally. At times pestering my husband, feeling left out of the club, feeling this impending huge "thing" that I still need to do in my life (have kids) that is just so overwhelming and gets in the way of other things I'd like to do. I love the term "childfree by chance" Elise...that describes me perfectly and I was searching for a term like that. I'm in a similar place FBGB where I am actually feeling relief, joy, and opportunities opening up for me in accepting being CF. Did I say relief? Oh, yes, I really really really mean RELIEF!!! I look around me all the time now too and am so happy to get to be FREE to do what I want with my life, and not have this dread hanging over me of having to give my freedom eventually, and deal with a little person depending on me 24/7. Hats to people who do that, but what a weight lifted off me to not have to do it myself. I think it's helping me like children better actually, knowing I have the choice whether to be around them or not. And I feel satisfaction doing some motherly-type things, like making pancakes for houseguests or my husband. It's easier knowing I don't always have to if I don't feel like it.

Evelyn is right that there's definitely 2 "camps" hanging out here at this board, and at times it feels like I have to keep explaining my position (not adamantly disliking kids, on the fence forever, can't accomplish conceiving easily, getting older, actually feeling good about being CF now though). But I like being with the CF by choice who've known how they feel about it in many ways. It's a relief to find people like that because I know so few in my daily life, and it's a perspective I have needed to hear. The people here aren't for the most part hardcore kid-haters, so I feel like I fit in well here.

I definitely do not fit in on the infertility board, even though I could be described that way. The grieving, trying to conceive, willing to pour endless dollars into it just does not resonate with me and is actually the antithesis of what I need to talk about right now. Been there, done that, and am so relieved to be out of that. I have that mentality all around me already if I need it. It's the truly CF, and accepting their CFness and moving on people that I really need, and am SO grateful to have found.

Also, congratulations on your job Feebee!!

myrabeth -

The last time I got it cut was April 2006. I think the last time I'd had it cut was August 2004. So that's just over a year and a half, and it was 13 inches. I guess it will be time to cut it again in a few months, but last time I had it cut I had it cut super short, and I didn't like it. So maybe January!

Myrabeth, this was so funny. I'd feel the same way about donating my hair. It kind of fits well with your signature quote, as in:

"I wouldn't wish my hair on anyone -even a cancer patient."

I know how you feel though, and right on for donating. Despite my hair complaints, those are trivial really and all of you are reminding me to be grateful to have hair.

I get it cut every 2 months, and if I tried to grow it long enough to donate it I'd probably get ticketed for blocking traffic.