BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Terrified of telling the family...

Katie -

I know exactly what you're feeling. It's hard to deal with the eventual conversation that will occur with family members regarding the CF issue. I am 29 and my DH is 31 and we've been married for 6 years. We still have "plenty of time" as people say to us all the time. However, I am nearly 100% in the CF camp, and I'm trying to get my DH to stop thinking about those Kodak moments he seems to have started longing for in the last year or so and instead join the CF world happily with me. He says he loves me and will go along with whatever I decide, but I just want to not feel at all guilty about it at some point. I just do not want to get pregnant, carry a child, change my body forever, and then start the real job of parenting (18+ years!) as soon as I go through that horrendous labor and delivery experience. I am not going to rule out the idea that my mind could one day change, but I doubt it will change with regard to parenting my own child, though I think that I could be inclined to adopt a child in need of a good home that is already living on this earth, if I do feel the pull to parent at some point.

Anyway, I have 2 younger brothers, but I'm not sure either will have kids - one is not married and seems to show no interest in the family life, and the other is not really responsible enough to take care of himself, let alone a child. I may be my parents' only chance for grandkids, but they haven't put pressure on me to have kids - in fact, they've been very supportive and haven't pushed us in that direction. My in-laws are a different story - you can just tell that they really want a grandchild or two from us, in some of the things they've said and done in the past, despite the fact that they already have many grandchildren from their older kids - even some great-grandkids already!

At some point, if/when I get my DH to fully commit to the "dark side" and become completely CF, since that's pretty much where I already am, we'll have to do something permanent to make sure we remain CF, and we'll have to tell everyone then. Most people haven't had too much of a reaction either way when they asked us whether we had kids or if we were going to have kids and we replied "Not yet" or "We're not sure we want kids", etc. Ironically enough, my brother who hasn't really gotten his life together and has made some questionable life choices so far, was the saddest when I recently said that I don't want kids. Weird. However, he and my other brother have always been good with little kids/babies, so maybe it's just a little sadness at not getting to play uncle.

As much as I am for having a happy life with my DH and our 6 wonderful cats, I do feel that guilt that I might be doing the family a disservice by not having kids, but that goes away when I think about the life I can lead - a free one - without having any kids to raise. Vacations, extra money to spend as we wish, etc. The list goes on and on....

Anyway, I feel for you and definitely know where your head is at - this board really helps me resolve these feelings.

Tbunny: I did the EXACT same thing at all of my showers - purposefully didn't break a single ribbon despite assuming I would be a parent someday. I was in two weddings this summer and both people appeared to try and break as many ribbons as they could. But then again, they both claim to want four...Why? Haven't figured that one out just yet.

Thanks for everyone's input. I love hearing your personal stories.

Quick question: I know there are people on here that have decided to finalize the CF decision with some form of permanent birth control. Did any of you keep it a secret from your family and friends unless they specifically asked? I think for some people it might work better than others. As for my family, if I didn't tell my parents or DH's parents, I truly think they would feel betrayed, which is a shame.

Again, thanks for the input!

Good question. My sister knows. I told her a while back that we were considering a vasectomy. And, then, this summer, when my DH2B couldn't come down to the beach with my family (b/c he had just had the procedure) they were asking why. I told them he had had a procedure. Of course my Mom wanted to know what it was, and I told her it was personal. He did come down the shore a few days later, but he couldn't go in the water for a week. So I'm pretty sure they figured it out without us coming right out and saying it. And my Mom was asking me a lot of questions that week about whether my fiance wants, or ever wanted kids.

If he hadn't scheduled the procedure the weekend before the week at the shore, they wouldn't have known. My sister figured it out when I said he had a procedure, because I told her a while back that we were considering it.

I told my two best friends, and an older CF friend. It's not something I lead with, but she was telling me she had a tubal, and I felt like it was okay to share.

We do *not* want to tell my DH2B's parents. Although, as I mentioned in another thread, his 87 year old grandmother knows. She's been sworn to secrecy. His Mom is a busybody, and I don't want her judging me/us all over the place. And talking about it with everyone. She has no class and doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut.

That's interesting that your family would feel betrayed if you didn't tell them. I hadn't really looked at it that way. I just don't think my Mom needs to know, and it's just a little awkward. But she knows I'm not having kids, so she knows there aren't any grandkids coming from me.

I don't like telling people, though. The CF friends were fine, but I really don't feel comfortable telling my childed friends. If they seem really cool about the CF choice, I might mention it. But most people don't need to know, but that's just my opinion, and how I'm handling it. It will be interesting to see how others respond.

I still feel like there's a lot of judgement around it, and I want to stay away from that.

I still haven't told my oldest brother about getting snipped. He lives in Israel and I see him every 2 years on average. He may know from my middle brother (who stays out of my personal life). The only family I have close by are my parents. Mom is great, Dad can be annoying but I see them once a week. My friends were all supportive. Some have kids, some don't and some are CF like me. I used to have a couple nosy neighbors but they moved out of state in the past year. YIPPEE!!!
Mike

I tried not to break any ribbons at my shower, and when one finally broke and everyone cheered, I purposefully broke a lot of others. HA! Take your stupid superstition and shove it, aunties! (My husband's aunts like to sabotage the ribbons. You know, they'll cut halfway through one so when you touch it it breaks. Although, I have to admit, it's really funny and I've been tempted to do that at showers myself.)