BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids 40 reasons not to have kids

[quote=happytobechildfree]I REALLY ENJOYED THIS ONE:

52. I am a single, 25 year old woman, who is 5 months pregnant. The father of my child left me to pursue his individual wants and needs for many of the reasons this woman justifies in her book. I suppose if you want to say hindsight is 20/20 or even that there is no harm in making such statements, that is your perrogative. I personally feel that the hardest decision of my life was deciding to keep this baby, I was always one of the "not having kids until I'm 30+" crowd, and having something like this published makes me feel as if my struggle and my choice is undermined. One of the issues I have been struggling the most with is losing my chance at having a real life, which all my family and friends tell me is still possible despite being a single mom. This book pretty much justifies the cowardice and selfishness it takes to abandon a child or end its life without any forethought. I am all for women's right to choose, but this makes me think twice since, apparently some women would choose to retroactively give up something I currently am fighting so hard to have. I have to wonder if I will ever know the joy of truly being myself again, if I must mourn a loss of freedom and individuality that I heretofore have prided in myself, my question is: where is the counterpoint argument? Where are the books for women in my situation? Is the whole world angry at children for existing? How about a little female empowerment and less patriarchially propogated self loathing?
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This woman is so stupid - she didn't want kids until she was 30, then why did she get pregnant at 25? I think it's okay for people to recognize that there's a whole world out there, and if they want to experience it, or don't want to parent, they have that option. The problem is when they realize it after the fact, and the kids on the way (I'm talking about her guy). But, maybe the relationship wasn't stable enough for a baby. I think he should have been concerned about birth control, too, and not allowed this to happen if it wasn't what he wanted.

Just another single Mom sob story... next...why don't women learn from each other and not continue to get themselves into this situation? I'm so sick of hearing about this, and seeing it everywhere. Why can't people plan their lives? I'm sick of accidental life choices. True, abandoning a child is wrong, but having one you aren't ready for just b/c you didn't use bc is wrong, too. I can't believe she's on a high horse.

Here's another gem:

"She is wrong, wrong, wrong. I have 3 grown children. Things were never smooth, neither is life, but I am so proud of them and to know there is someone there for me."

An opinion can't really be wrong, first of all. I'm sorry, to say things weren't smooth, but neither is life is only true to a certain extent. I've never had to deal with anything even remotely as grueling as parenting at work. Yes, there are tough days at work, but no one cries or screams (usually), the stress may be exhausting at times, but it isn't physically taxing. Plus, I get paid! That usually keeps us coming back to work every day.

I've heard of women that want to have kids so they don't have to work, and I have to wonder where they worked??? Maybe it's just a preference thing, and some people prefer childcare to an office. I guess that makes sense. But this is something I just don't get.

I can kind of understand that mentality about preferring to have kids than to work. There's the side where you at least get paid for working, but you (mostly) don't get a lot of love out of a paying job.

On the other hand, it's a big leap of faith since you can't very well change jobs once you're a mother if you don't like it.

Re: that quote:
"She is wrong, wrong, wrong. I have 3 grown children. Things were never smooth, neither is life, but I am so proud of them and to know there is someone there for me."

I like the way she adds that in at the end about someone being there for her. Doesn't sound very selfless to me. Plus that there are no guarantees.

The thing about single moms reminds me of Dr. Laura. Not that I recommend listening to her, or that I even agree with her viewpoints, but on this one thing I do kind of appreciate her perspective. Whenever a caller says "I'm a single mom..." which usually leads to a self-pity fest, she always demands that they answer a series of questions about what led to them being a single mom. In the majority of calls, it usually becomes very obvious that it was due to a series of bad choices THEY made, and their lack of planning, their poor decision-making, etc. Sometimes it can't be helped of course, like if someone's husband dies, but the majority of the time it's just that the person didn't think clearly about what they were taking on, and now they expect the world to help pick up the mess and deal with the results.

Right, there are situations that can't be helped, like if someone is widower. I have a good friend that was in abusive relationship after abusive relationship, and she had three kids out of those relationships. She's a nice person, but lets bad men pick her. She allows herself to be guilted into bad relationships with men she doesn't even like. Two of her kids are in their late 20s and still living with her. She's in her mid 50s now, and finally got a break with a good paying job. But can't put any money aside b/c her "kids" are constantly quitting their jobs. It's a nightmare. And I get really sick of hearing the stories after a while.

She is single for the moment, and complains about it. If I had half the relationship drama she has had, I would swear off men. And, whenever I have said I don't want kids, she tells me "I'm too young to know that." I feel like saying, you were too young and stupid to have yours when you did, and will be paying for it for the rest of your life. It's situations like hers that make people like me not want kids. Her son has mental health issues, and is constantly getting drunk and acting out in a destructive way. It's a really bad situation. So glad they aren't living with me!

My mom was a single mom through divorce, and my dad rarely ever did anything with me - and you know what, I don't think I EVER heard her use that term! I remember I was maybe 10 or so when I first heard the term "single mom," and I had no idea what it meant. My mom had to explain it to me, and I don't think I even really connected it with her for a while. I think I was lucky to have such an intelligent woman for a mom.

That's great that your Mom was so cool. I wish my sister would be like that for my nephew, but I don't know that she ever will.

I guess I get really annoyed by people like my sister that have one or more children, have never been married, and constantly bemoan their lives. She likes to complain that the Dad doesn't do anything, but she only knew him for 4 days before she became pregnant, so how much did she expect from him? But, then again, why is it the woman that (usually not always) gets to pick up the pieces. Sigh.

THIS ONE IS REALLY GOOD...

105. Why is it that people who are happy to have kids Insist that everybody has to feel as they do..or there is "something wrong with them"?

What if I said that part of the attraction of being a stay at home Mom is you get to skip becoming an Independent adult? Or that those who are single and "living for thier kids" just have intimacy problems and can't manage an adut to adult relationships? What if I said anyone who stayed home had "something wrong with them bcz they did not want a career"?

Plenty of people find out, after the fact, that they Don't enjoy or aren't equipped to be parents. Isn't it better people figure that out before?
People who say " you have to want what I want or there is something wrong with you sound like whack jobs to begin with, It is a statement that doesn't even make any sense!

102. I am happy that this women was able to express how her life was changed by children. As a mother of 9 children and a 'breeder' to some.. I agree to some extent that your life changes with children.
I would hope that as intelligent as the author is to express herself that she has taught those skills (of expression) to her own children and they will understand her story.
It is so unfair to judge people without children (and WITH) as we all chose our own paths and should make choices on what does give us joy. Children are just a choice we are given. Many people have dreams and ideas for thier lives and it does not include children. I was one of those people who felt childless people were selfish.
Children do take alot from you, but really I guess if you do not see all they give you.. yeah, you were not meant to have them.
My life is full of excitement every day !!!

She doesn't mean adoption when she says "abandoning" does she? Because if she is not ready for a baby, giving the baby up for adoption is the most selfless thing she can do for her child. I knew a girl who did that, she was pregnant by a guy she'd had a one-night stand with, had a very low-paying job she was very new at, with a weird schedule, and would have had to move back home with her parents if she kept the baby. She decided to put it up for adoption and I had nothing but admiration for her. She got to pick the couple and they agreed to send her pictures from time to time. She got her life together, met a great guy and married him.

Cindy

"Just remember if YOUR mother chose not to have children, you would not be here!!!"

Yes, and while I'm glad I'm here, if MY mother had chose not to have children she probably wouldn't have gone through depression and a nervous breakdown through feeling bad about giving up for adoption a child she didn't want!