BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Teenagers

From Happytobechildfree: "I'm really glad I won't have a teenager in my house. I know how I was, and I was just moody and kooky, not destructive like a lot of other teens."

I just wanted to agree with you here. I struggle with teenagers. Having been one myself I understand the angst. I was a good teenager (I didn't smoke, do drugs, have sex and I belonged to a church youth group - of my own choice and really just to be able to socialise with gentler people who didn't drink; my parents were atheist) and I was still awful to have around. I was lazy, depressed, sullen, moody, locked myself in my room and blasted my music, was resentful of my parents, and used to give my Dad evil nasty looks across the room when he said anything that I felt was against my principles. How they still love/d me, I have no idea. What an awful thing for them to go through, and apparently I was the easiest teenager to deal with of their three daughters.

I am also a highly empathetic person - a useful trait in my work, but often causes me a lot of anxiety and agony. To witness the child I loved going through teenage years would be hell.

I am so fortunate that my DH had already navigated my stepson through his teenage years before I came on the scene. At 20, he still has a few vestiges of teenage behaviour now and then, and it's awful. That cocky, sneering attitude. Last time he tried it on me, I shot him down in flames, and he's behaved himself since. I know he's a couple of years from heading off into his own life. But sometimes I go into a cold sweat imagining if I had met DH when my stepson was 12, or if there were a brother or sister coming up behind.

I just don't want that angst in my home. And the myriad pressures you would need to steer a teenager around in this current world is so scary. On Saturday nights I hear in the distance boy racers (we call them) screaming around the beaches where we live in their souped-up cars. And then I think about how each of those gangly, over-confident, loud, irritating, disrespectful, materialistic part boys/part men belongs to someone who has to share their home with them. Yuck.

Interestingly, through an ex-BF a few years ago, I met a couple on their late 40s. They had just met and were completely in love and raving about how she was going to move in with him and his 4 sons (2 of them teenagers) because they were so happy and wanted to share everything. She moved in the following week as planned, but fortunately kept her own cottage. I say fortunately, because within three weeks she had moved back to her own place again. They stayed together as a couple but she could not live with his boys! They're living in separate homes for a few years :-)

Breeders seem to assume that everyone was an angel when growing up, not being a problem at all to our parents. Sorry, folks, but even the *best* of us messed up and were hassles to our parents in some way. And we remember what it was like. Looking back on it, would *we* want to be in our parent's place? The answer for me, and for other CF peoples, is NO!

Thusly, when we are bingoed with "But you were a baby/child/teenager once, too!" is "Yes, I was -- and I remember the hell I put them through. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, much less myself!"

Gee -- that sounds like a signature line around here

That's the thing! I think all this recent media coverage of the "yummy mummies" and the "baby bumps" (Nicole Ritchie being just one example - even though she's going to prison, she's so happy to be accidentally pregnant to her boyfriend), focusses so much on that cute image of you - the parent - with this stylish little, obedient 2-3 year old trotting alongside you - or your baby in one of those "jogger's pushchairs" - whatever they are called. Very few contemplate the adolescent, the teenager, or even the adult, that this little sweetheart will grow into.

You only have to look around you - at the shopping centre, your workplace, the airport etc - to see what could potentially happen, ie all these adults and teenagers around us were once cute babies.

I have two friends who have boys of the age of 12. Both of these friends are very good mothers. The anxiety they have over how much freedom to give their sons is awful. On the one hand they want them to be free, on the other hand out there are drugs, bullies, girls etc etc. I would honestly be a nervous wreck. Having daughters must be terrifying also.

I'm sort of rambling here. As I wrote that thing about the church youth group, I was thinking "Duane will be pleased to know that I am now quite happily an atheist" - but a very connected, spiritual one!

Feebee, as long as you are content with what you believe, that is what counts. I will admit to being biased if someone does believe in a similar way as I do (who doesn't? ) but that is human nature, methinks.

I'm easy to get along with, as long as I'm not preached at or bingo'ed

There are quite a few of us atheists on the board. I guess the CF are also GF. :-)

The more I read the discussions on the board, the more it becomes apparent to me that the common factor is the ability to think intelligently and independently. Free-spirited, gentle, empathetic, passionate, COMpassionate, well-travelled, well-read, politically aware, educated and logical appear to be other common traits. Interesting that these are the people choosing not to have children.

There are quite a few of us atheists on the board. I guess the CF are also GF. :-)

That's a funny way of looking at it. Not wrong, just funny.


The more I read the discussions on the board, the more it becomes apparent to me that the common factor is the ability to think intelligently and independently. Free-spirited, gentle, empathetic, passionate, COMpassionate, well-travelled, well-read, politically aware, educated and logical appear to be other common traits. Interesting that these are the people choosing not to have children.

In one respect, that's depressing. It makes me wonder if there are any people very much like that description who desperately want to be parents. For the sake of the human race,I hope there are.

Yes, the line below refers to teenhood especially!

I have been told that I tend to over-analyze things since I was a young kid of 7 or 8 (i.e. I think too much). However, in my line of work, that is why I get paid so much -- I see the big picture, as well as all of the small, tiny, individual details that help me comprehend everything going on, inside all of the computer/email systems I manage. I've also been told when taking a picture of something, it looks like I am on a lookout for a sniper -- I study every detail in context, looking for that "something different" that makes a photographic shot better than others. A side effect of that mindset is I am very logical and do not assume anything. That analytical outlook spreads through to my personal life, especially with regards to my beliefs about children and religious beliefs/god.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that taking things on faith (be it children or god) is the sign of a bad person. All I am saying is that it does not work for me. If having faith works for other people, so be it -- more power to them.

Yes, I really don't care if people are religious or not. As long as they don't try to push it on me. I don't push my beliefs (or rather, lack of) on them.

As far as teenagers, well, I really don't like them. I was telling this to my husband the other day because we were surrounded by teenagers. He didn't think that was nice. I told him, "I hate teenagers today less than I hated them when I was a teenager." I really hated most of the people I went to school with.

That's me right there -- my home is so peaceful and happy. Even though I wasn't a "bad kid" (no drugs, no sex, no sneaking out), I had a mouth on me that pushed every one of my mother's hot buttons, and she's Sicilian. Every time we'd argue, it would always turn into a screaming match between Mom and Dad.

NO WAY do I want anything remotely related to fighting with a smart-aleck teen or arguing with my husband because of the smart-aleck teen. I even get a little edgy when my CAT is too chatty. I couldn't go long at all with a moody, lippy teenager without having visions of stuffing a brick down his throat, and see that's just not a healthy mental attitude. *laugh*