BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Odd things you've heard people say regarding kids

You read my mind! I meant to comment on this. Exactly. I can only speak for PA, but so many of the people I know have grandparents that live really close by that are a major source of help with childcare. I have a cousin that is a full-time teacher, and her Mom watched her son for five years until he entered school. This same cousin and her sister were downing Moms that put their kids into daycare, saying "you don't know what you are going to get." It annoyed me b/c not everyone can afford to be an SAHM. And, if her Mom wasn't willing to give up her job and to be a full-time nanny, she would have either had to quit her job, or put her son in daycare. Instead of judging Moms that put their kids in daycare, they should be *thankful* that their Mom was willing to make that sacrifice for them.

My friend that I referred to earlier in the thread, that is taking anti-anxiety medication, actually has her inlaws living next door, and they help out a ton with her kids. But it's still too much, which I get, I'm not judging her at all. There's all of that housework, and they have a few dogs. Plus her kids are on a traveling hockey team. It's tough, but I think she definitely needs to cut something out somewhere.

It really does take a village. My sister and I are very involved with my nephew, that my parents are raising. Every little bit of help counts. And if the family isn't helping, the schools and after school programs are helping "raise" the kids. Or, the really wealthy people have nannies.

Oh yeah, one other thing... It seems like obesity is a big problem among parents. To me, it's a tell tale sign that someone isn't that happy. Or, you hear about people developing drinking or anxiety problems. I don't think anyone can do "it all" and live with that daily stress indefinitely and not have problems of some sort. Think about it, getting kids ready for school, packing lunches, getting a shower, picking up your drycleaning, cleaning the house, making dinner, getting the kids in the tub and helping them with their homework before you can get around to calling a friend or actually having a conversation with your husband. Something's got to give... It's just too much, it's inhuman.

It's a lot for me to fathom. I know some people thrive being really busy all the time, but others don't (that would be me). No matter how much people recommend it, I know it doesn't work for me.

While our generation of women is one of the first to be reaping the benefits of women's rights, it seems like 2 things are happening;

��Women are more able to make choices about having/not having children
� More women are getting higher degrees and finding fulfilling careers

There haven't been too many generations before us that women had so many options and even tried to "have it all." Women who become mothers have opposing pressures on them like never before...deciding whether to work and put the kid in daycare, or stay at home and be broke trying living in a much more expensive world on one income. Research has shown that people who multi-task too much don't do as well at each thing as someone who can focus on one thing at a time.

The world is different now than it was in the 50's, and to try and relive that time period is not necessarily realistic in today's world. I feel like taking someone's advice to have a family from someone who did it in a diffferent time is misguided.

Something's got to give, and it's their relationship with their own selves.

As a type 2 diabetic (which is where a lot of these parents are headed, if they're not there already...one my my best pals, a mom of 3, called me just last night and told me she'd been diagnosed with T2D), the gym is not "me time". It is not a luxury. It is an absolutely sacred, non-negotiable, necessary step I take for my own health.

If I were a mom, and working outside the home, and was trying to have some sort of semblence of a marriage, I'm afraid that all of my health stuff would get put *last*. I think that's just a fact.

Has anyone heard of the book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People?" It talks about how some things are important, but not pressing (like flossing your teeth and going to the gym). Some things are pressing, but not important (like a call from a telemarketer). Some things are pressing and important. And others are neither. It's important, when looking at a new task coming your way, to figure out which category it fits into.

Anyway...I think that parents end up doing all the pressing stuff, all the time (some of it important, like tending to a child after he's fallen off a bike --- and some of it not, like having your concentration broken for the Nth time in the same night, while trying to catch up on office work, when your children are randomly squealing at each other while playing). They generally don't get to much of the important stuff which is *not* pressing (flossing their teeth, getting to the gym, cooking healthful meals, maintaining the quality of the sex lives with their partners).

It's not a judgment --- hell, I couldn't do it --- just an observation. They can't get to much of the important/non-pressing stuff because they're too busy "pi$$ing on fires", as my Texan ex-husband used to call it. The pressing stuff takes precedent. But not in a million years is *all* of the pressing stuff important.

Hell...even the 50s were different from the 50s!!! We over-romanticize the 1950s in a big way. Things were so easy economically (due to the economy still being hopped up on steroids due to the aftermath of WW2, but our no longer having to fight the war) that we tend to gloss over the stuff about the 50s that weren't so great.

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It's a lot for me to fathom. I know some people thrive being really busy all the time, but others don't (that would be me).

That's an interesting way of looking at it. The person that likes to be busy all the time, in my experience, is often, not always, someone that doesn't want to have time to think about things. I understand that personality, but it's totally different from mine. Ironically, if someone is that busy, how would they have time for "personal development," to piggyback on the discussion from the other day.

[color:#FF6666]While our generation of women is one of the first to be reaping the benefits of women's rights, it seems like 2 things are happening;
� Women are more able to make choices about having/not having children
� More women are getting higher degrees and finding fulfilling careers
Women who become mothers have opposing pressures on them like never before...deciding whether to work and put the kid in daycare, or stay at home and be broke trying living in a much more expensive world on one income.[/color]

That's true, I guess it's tough all over. I'm sure Moms feel every bit as defensive and judged about their choices as we do. I'm so glad I don't want to work and have kids, because it would be tough. And I know I would be miserable. I get exhausted just thinking about what some people do in a day.

The world is different now than it was in the 50's, and to try and relive that time period is not necessarily realistic in today's world. I feel like taking someone's advice to have a family from someone who did it in a different time is misguided.[/quote]

Good point! The people that make comments about our generation having kids don't really get it. My MIL is a case in point. I know she didn't like being a Mom, but she didn't have much of a choice. She could have opted out, but she would have been judged a freak in her generation. And, she doesn't understand what it's like to invest time and money in your education, find work that is meaningful, and then have people urge you to throw it away. Ironically, she didn't like being a Mom, but she's really into her grandkids now. But I think it's more having "something, anything" to do than a true calling. She's a very unfulfilled and unhappy woman. I wonder how many other unhappy Moms are unhappy grandmoms. Just a thought...

I know at least one person that followed "The Rules" to get married. And that retro mindset just doesn't work anymore. It's all male-focused, and fitting the mold of what a man needs.

I have another coworker that was telling me he knows what works with parenting - his Dad worked, Mom stayed home, and his father had a strong hand. He is now replicating his life after what he saw in his own home. I didn't have the heart to tell him that that traditional model might have "worked" for his parents, but it really worked for men. A lot of women were unhappy, unfulfilled and even miserable. As you said, the times have changed, and women want more now.

Hell...even the 50s were different from the 50s!!! We over-romanticize the 1950s in a big way. Things were so easy economically (due to the economy still being hopped up on steroids due to the aftermath of WW2, but our no longer having to fight the war) that we tend to gloss over the stuff about the 50s that weren't so great.

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So it is you theory that us fat mom's are unhappy?? Yea I am fat, yea I have 2 kids. I suffered from depression for years before I had children. I am fat because I have medical problems that have just recently been discovered that were causing lots of problems in my system. I will not bore you with the details but I get tired of people assuming just because someone is fat, they must be miserable people. And now the assumption is made Jeanette has 2 kids + she is fat = dang her life must be aweful. Sheesh. Just because you see kids as the end of the world doesn't mean you should make the assumption that everyone else feels the way you do. Yea, this post may seem like I am mad. I am not.

Sorry, didn't mean to offend. I was trying to make a point, and I'm sure that comment, taken out of context, is offensive. But at the same time, this is the only place where people can talk about some of the negative ramifications of having children. I shouldn't have to censor myself because a parent might not like what I have to say.

I was trying to make a point that many of the parents that try to do it all can't - that something has to give somewhere. Some parents have weight or health problems because they don't have time to take care of their own needs. Some have anxiety problems because of the stress of trying to do too much, etc. I know there are also other reasons why people have weight problems, (thyroid, etc.) but that wasn't the point of the e-mail.

But I always noticed this growing up, that my Mom and all of her friends had major weight problems after they had their kids. I know some of it is a change in metabolism, and some of it is probably the stress and boredom.

I know I read at least one study that showed that parents tend to eat less healthy than nonparents.

I usually try very very very hard to avoid coming into the Child Free board because honestly some of what you guys say rakes me the wrong way. But I hold my tongue/fingers and go on my merry little way. I know everyone has opinions, I respect all of you in your decisions but sometimes a comment like the one you made just got me. Like I said, I wasn't mad, just hit my nerve the wrong way. I do see the point of parent's not having or not making time for themselves. I would honestly go bonkers myself if I didn't take some time for myself everyday just to breathe in the peace and quiet. It is all a balancing act. I think finding a good balance for life is hard even if you don't have kids.