BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids fuming over e-mail from MIL

My MIL sent the following e-mail to my fiance and I. We are considering moving to the south, and my fiance has a few job interviews lined up there... I've been concerned that we might be moving to close to them - if we move to Miami they would be three hours away. I'm so mad, because she is telling me what she thinks I should do to help my nephew, but completely disregarding the plans I have made for my own life. LIVID!

I think I've mentioned before that my parents and sister have been in an ongoing custody battle for several years b/c my sis is unwilling to be a responsible parent to her son. Please tell me if I'm insane, and wrong to be this angry!

Hi guys,

The note that follows will not shock (MY FIANCE), as it is typical of me. We are all so excited for your decision to find a warmer climate, and you'll be forgiven if that turns out to be somewhere other than the state of Florida.

My ONLY concern is (NEPHEW)! Once again, someone he loves is abandoning him. I'm certain that is how he will perceive your move regardless of what he verbalizes.

MY DREAM?! You are both so capable of giving that little boy what he needs to become all that he can be, which I suspect is plenty. Yes, becoming a parent would certainly be a big change. It requires a 15 year committment, but I bet would be well worth the investment!

If (MY SISTER, NEPHEW'S MOM) would relinquish ALL parental rights and responsibilities, you could adopt him, LOVE him and give him stability and a sense of self worth, etc. I bet if you offered to pay (SISTER'S, NEPHEW'S MOM) lawyers bill, she would give it a very serious consideration! Afterall, she would be debt free and could go off and self-distruct or whatever! Your Dad would probably live much longer, your Mom too. (MY OTHER SISTER) would miss him terribly, but she and your parents will come visit you wherever you are, and I'm certain you would not
keep him from seeing his Mom on 'your terms'.

I don't know how much (NEPHEW'S MOM) owes her attorney but it is probably less than what it would cost to raise one child from birth to 7 years of age.

That's all for now. I cannot believe similar thoughts have not gone through your heads, and if they have, and you've rejected acting on them, that's fine.

Love you guys no matter what. Mom & Dad

Hi Happy!
I am so astounded by that email you received from your MIL, I just don't know what to say! Or where to start! What nerve!

It seems to me that your parents may be tired of raising their grandchild and are looking to pawn him off on someone else to raise. They may have been enabling your sister and are realizing that they might want to be in the role of grandparents and have their old lives back. Too late for that!

Has your fiance seent the email? Does he have the same response as you? God, I hope so! What about your lives and all the plans you have for them? This is your sister's problem and now it's the grandparents problem.

You are not insane to be this angry and livid!! How are you going to respond to her? Wait for your fiance's input before you call her or email her back? I think the sooner you let her now that this will never be happening, the better! Good luck and let us know what happens! We're pulling for you!!

This is just another example of how us CFers are supposed to make up for other people's mistakes so they can now have a life. Unbelievable!
Boscoe

WHAT?!?! This isn't even HER family she's getting involved with...it's YOURS!! How totally inappropriate. It's absolutely none of her business!

Even if this was her own daughter, it's STILL not her place to even suggest you taking over for the mother. UNBELIEVABLE!

WHAT.A.TRIP.

Wow.

If she's so concerned, let *her* adopt him. Or hell, just raise him without having adopted him.

Those who say that parenthood is an 18-year commitment are kidding themselves. As HTBCF's case illustrates, it often extends well into grandparenthood. HTBCF'S MIL might end up with 40+ of hard-core, multi-generational parenting to deal with.

Again...wow.

Boscoe - thanks for responding! My fiance actually responded to his Mom, and I have pasted his response below. I think I will just let him handle his mother. I don't even know where to begin!!! This is so bizarre!

My parents are conflicted about raising my nephew. My Dad will be retiring soon, and really doesn't want to be raising kids at this point in his life. But, they love him, and know my sister is train wreck, and they don't want him to be neglected. My parents, as stressed out as they are, have never suggested this. And they know I'm not a kids person, although I am good with my nephew, and we are very close.

The thing that really stands out about this e-mail exchange is that she talks about making things better for my parents, my nephew, and my sister - but what about us???? We are getting married in two months, and starting our lives together. Why on earth should be surrender our future happiness for other people. I love my nephew, but I'm very clear that I'm an aunt, not a Mom. I'm very happy with that role distinction.

Another thing worth mentioning is that his Mom KNOWS I don't want kids. So it's like she's completely disregarding that very important fact.

She wants us to move to Florida to be closer to her, but doing something like this just makes me want to run in the opposite direction. She would be three hours away, but I don't know if that's enough of a distance...

***************************************************************

Mom-

I love you dearly. I know that you mean well. But you need to take a deep breath and step back a little bit. I appreciate the thoughts but it doesn't help. We have made certain decisions in our lives and quite frankly, they do not involve having kids. We are there for NEPHEW in many ways but it's not something that we are prepared to do full-time. Life is filled with many battles and he will have to face his own. His situation is complicated and problematic but your suggestions are best served remaining in the space of dreams where everything works out as planned and no one is hurt. . . .

I love you but I need you to take a deep breath and dial it down a bit. . . . You are inserting yourself into things you really should not be. I love you and appreciate the emotional support for what we are doing but I . .. we need a little more space.

Talk to you soon,

Hi happy,
I'm sorry that I got a little confused; even though you said the email was from your MIL, then reading it I thought it was coming from your parents who were taking care of your nephew. I figured it out now (sorry-it takes me awhile sometimes), and it's even more crazy because it's coming from someone not even remotely involved with this boy's life!

I think your fiance's response to his mom was perfect and I think it's a good idea for your fiance to handle his mom and you can step away from that craziness.

What's even more incredulous is that your MIL knows you aren't interested in being a parent, yet she has this wonderful solution to this situation. You're getting married soon, starting your married life together-the last thing you guys need is a kid to raise! Talk about total disregard for your feelings and thoughts on this matter. Yikes!

Thanks to Bonsai and Jez, too. I just saw your responses now. I should also mention that my MIL has said to her son, my guy, on several occasions, that if she had it to do over, she wouldn't have kids. I was able to figure that out without having them. And, BTW, it's kind of weird to say that to your son unless he asks such a question. So maybe she wants me to suffer like she did.

What she suggests is totally unhealthy and codependent, too. My sister needs to take responsibility for her own life. If I pay off her debt, and take her son away from her, it's only a matter of time before she creates new drama for herself. It would be enabling my sister. I don't even accomodate her on a casual basis - I'm the only one that says no to her babysitting requests. It's also something my parents have to work out with my sister, because they do have a weird dynamic with her.

I've made really careful, well-thought out choices for myself. Oh the nerve of her suggesting that I ruin my life cleaning up someone else's mess. I've suffered enough by being the healthy one in the family.

There's an element of guilt in her message, too. Telling me my parents will live longer. I'm upset enough about the way my parents' lives and health have been impacted by the constant stress and fighting with my sister. But I'm not going to be a martyr. This is one of the reasons I don't want kids - I don't want to deal with all of this BS!

Good for your fiance. At least he has his head screwed on properly.

I feel for your family. Nobody should be stuck in the position of having to raise a child out of duty. They didn't ask for this. But then, neither did you.

Is there any chance they could find a foster family in the area? Or contact an agency that could maybe place him in an open situation? All this depends of course, on whether your sister would relinquish her custody rights - and that's not a given either. It's her kid, and regardless of the fact that she's an appalling parent, nobody can force her to give the child up if she doesn't want to.

And is this the same sister that was thinking of getting pregnant AGAIN??? OMG!!!!

Boscoe - no worries, and thanks for the support. It's really hard to follow stories sometimes when there are a lot of different names and people involved.

And I think her "concern" is totally fake. She's a really judgemental, negative and critical person, who never has anything nice to say about anyone. I have a hard time believing she's that concerned about my nephew. She's only met him a handful of times. And she's totally glossing over how much our lives would suck. AND, my MIL, according to my fiance AND his sister, was a horrible mother. Goes to show that not just everyone can become a good mother.

Thanks for letting me vent - this is helping me so much. It's funny b/c I haven't recvd that much pressure from family to date to have kids. I mostly get the comments from friends, strangers, etc. So this came out of nowhere.

WOW. Happy, I can completely see why you would be livid. That is just unreal. I can't believe she would ask that of you. I think that is so out of line, and also agree that the guilt trip about your parents living longer just pushes it completely over the edge and makes it even harder to take. Your fiancee's response is admirable and appropriate. Oh, that part about how then your sister could be free to go off and self-destruct????!!! Great! That's a perfect situation. What a quaint little fantasy that is.

Duck and cover!