BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Should I shut up and just be happy?

Okay ladies and gentlemen (especially the gentlemen, actually; I know there aren't many of you but I'm interested in your perspective on this...)

My SO and I have been together for well over a year now, I know he's the "one", and I am adamantly childfree. No doubts, no maybes, no OOPSing allowed. I am not mommy material, I am blissfully immature and have things that I want to do with my life that will never include reproducing.

I have proclaimed this to my SO, and he simply says, "ok". No deep thought, no "what if you change your mind?"--just NOTHING. I try to talk to him about it, and he just says "I KNOW. You've already told me this. I just want to be with you." But, when I asked him the other day "what if YOU change your mind and decide you want to be a dad?" he DODGED the question! We were walking our dog and I had to clean up poo, got distracted, and when I tried to bring him back to the topic he STILL didn't give me a straight answer. All he would say is "I guess we will have to worry about that if the time comes".

Um, I'd rather not. Either you're with me for the long haul, no matter what, or you're not. We are SOOOO happy. We make our friends sick. It's great. But I'm not really into someone "maybe" breaking my heart in ten years when he decides Daddy is what he wants to be.

My question is, should I shut up and enjoy our life, or should I press him on this further? He says I must think he's dumb because I keep reiterating the same point over and over...please help!!

Absolutely! I wouldn't feel comfortable with this unknown in the relationship either. I wonder if he's one of those people that doesn't like confrontations or something? But it isn't a bad type of confrontation - it's a must in a relationship. I wouldn't want to continue in the relationship knowing that this issue might blow up later. I ask my guy a lot, just to make sure he is really okay with no kids, and not just going along with me. I would make it clear, in a nice way of course, that he should do some soul searching now to make sure he knows where he stands on this. Because it's clear that for you, and for most of us on this board, having kids is a dealbreaker. Maybe you can share some of your reasons for wanting to pursue the CF life, and tease his feelings out that way. He might not even know how he feels about it, he might not have really thought about it much. So there's good reason to be hopeful. Good luck!

Hey Shannon,

Okay, this is a tricky one. And my ex was exactly the same. Year 1 "I don't want to discuss it". Year 2 "I don't want to discuss it". Year 3 "the relationship is more important than children". Year 4 "gee, guess I want to be a Dad after all. Bye-bye".

The honest answer is - he just hasn't thought about it. And your bugging him won't make him think about it, certainly not in the way that you've thought about it. For him, it's just an abstract thing ... something that might or might not happen in the future, which is a long way away. It's not something he needs to bother himself with now.

People grow and change as they get older, and while I don't doubt that your CF stance is permanent (if you're anything like me), you can't know for sure what's going to happen with him. So, this gets really tricky. How do you commit to a future on a "maybe"?

There was a line in "Baby Proof" that described this perfectly - that there is no point in worrying about the thing that you're most afraid of, because it won't necessarily stop it from happening. And if it does, you feel all the more cheated. Your up-front is no guarantee. I was totally up front and it didn't help me any.

You don't have any choice other than to go with the gut on this one. What's your feeling on him and kids? Does he roll his eyes and suggest you leave when kids start playing up in restaurants? Or does he smile indulgently and comment to the parents how cute they are? What are his interactions like with them? That might give you some clues. But clues are all you have to go on.

I know how tough this is. I came SO close a couple of times to breaking it off with mine, but my head was always telling me "what if I'm wrong?". Turned out I wasn't, but I certainly hope that things turn out better for you. There are a lot of guys out there who can be persuaded pretty easily one way or the other by the right woman. And if you're the right woman for him, then persuade away...

Hey Shannon,
I would say you should definitely talk about and resolve the kid issue sooner rather than later. My situation is different than yours since I am searching for a mate. Read my post from yesterday and pikasam's posts.
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He doesn't think it is important, or he just doesn't know/hasn't thought about it, and maybe doesn't want to think about it. Either way doesn't look good, at least from the initial situation as presented. If he doesn't know, then he needs to do some soul searching. If he just doesn't think it's important, it damned well is. If he doesn't want to think about it, then you need to impress onto him that you are deadly serious about not having children, and you NEED to know his POV and how important it is to you.

How you go about this is up to you -- you know him best.

That is my advice, from a guys POV. I've been solidly CF since I was in my early teens. If you ask me, I'll say "I just don't want kids" without pondering about it, because I know I don't.

Consider the good side to this: You are at least learning this from him before you are truly committed by being married to him -- then it gets sticky.

You're among friends here -- feel free to ask away.

Duane

Hehe. That sounds soooo like my SO, not necessarily about kids, but about whatever he can't answer right now. He'll say, "Let's fall off that bridge if and when we get to it".



I know I hated it when I was in that phase, and everyone said it wouldn't last, so let me try to say this gently... What you two are feeling is a wonderful mix of fabulous brain chemicals. They may last a year, they may last one or two more, but enjoy them, because we aren't designed to remain in that state forever.

At the same time, I think it's important to acknowledge that here, because it seems you're torn because you like what you have now. But what you have now is not what you will have in 5 years.

That said, the sickeningly sweet romantic love is replaced over time with what is called conjugal love and it is generally much more stable. I think most people that want to "ruin" your high, never get to that part and break up, which is why they want to say it doesn't last in negative ways.

But I think it's really important to realize the biology involved and have reasonable expectations. It's a real pet peeve to me that a lot of people were never taught this.

So back to the original issue... don't base your long term decision to stay on a fleeting chemical feeling. Do look for clues, and try to get him to talk about his feelings, making sure that you can establish some sort of safe space for him if he might want kids. By that I mean, if you've said all along, "I don't want kids, take me or leave me", he might not feel like he has any room to say "I might want kids", but that's exactly what you want to know. It's definitely tricky, good luck.

We're less than 3 weeks from 5 years together and still making our friends ill with our sweetness. The "chemical high" wore off extra fast for us because our first year was littered with life-changing obstacles (like my major knee injury 2 months into the relationship, for example), but we're still sugary sweet together a large percentage of the time.

As for your guy, Shannon, I'd be very concerned. Offhand answers are sure signs that he's paying you lip service, telling you what you want to hear and failing to put any real thought into it. I'd see that as a complete lack of commitment to the subject and be very wary of going forward with this guy.

Who am I kidding? I'd be rudely confrontational about it until he was forced to think it out or bail out. Either way, there'd be resolution. That may be way too extreme for you, but I personally have no tolerance for limbo. And his half hearted answers are putting you in limbo, accidentally or not. Maybe you should tell him that.

That's an awesome point. and it makes me wonder if I painted myself into a corner by being so vehemently CF. The first question he asked on the day we broke up was "you don't want kids, do you?". I wonder after reading this what the outcome would have been if I hadn't just said "no" but said "let's talk about it". it wouldn't have changed the outcome, but it might have been a little more constructive.

My now-DH used to say maybe every six months that he might want kids. We had "the talk" periodically in the years before we married. I was more of a fence-sitter earlier on, but always articulated that it was at best a "maybe" and not a "definitely". Before we married, I bluntly said that I did not think I ever wanted to have bio kids, and even adopting was increasingly unlikely. It took him a while to conclude that it was OK to not have kids. But it took time and for the conversation to happen several times. Now he sounds almost as CF as I do.

VIOLET--you are absolutely right about that romance thing. I'm afraid that when the romance is gone, hopefully replaced by a stable, caring, *and still sometimes knock-your-socks-off sweet* relationship, he will start to actually think about this. I think I'm a great partner with many good qualities, but I'm also not going to bend, nor am I going to stick around when the dust settles and he's miserable because he wants kids. I have a feeling that next step is going to happen soon and at that time I will really sit him down and explain that he really, really needs to think things through. Getting married, to me, means til death do us part, NOT until someone wants something the other doesn't do us part...