BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids confused about having kids

Hi RNS,

Sorry to not respond earlier - I don't get nearly the time I'd like to read & reply on this list. Your post has been in my mind for a couple of days. I do have some advice that I hope could be helpful to you - trusting that you will take what is useful and leave out what is not, as you are the only one who can judge what's best for you. It may be relevant to know that I am actually a parent (3 yo & 1 yo children) and went through a couple of years of infertility before we had my son.

First - Big hugs to you. It sounds like it's a hellish merry-go-roudn in your head. I REALLY hope you can give yourself a holiday from thinking about having kids, being CF, whatever. Use birth control and choose a date - like, I will think about htis again on October 21, not before. Then if thoughts come up, dismiss them knowing that you've made a date to deal with them later. Hopefully your hubby can do this too. Then maybe focus on things that bring you peace, health, happiness, creative energy ... hatha yoga can be excellent, working out the body and giving time for mediatation at the end ... or takign a couples' massage class (my hubby & I did this and it has been a great thing!!) I *really* hope you give yourself a holiday.

Next - at whatever date you assign, pick one of the alternatives and try "living" it for a week, a month - whatever you decide. For example, with having kids - think about the points Duane brought up, financial, etc. Also think about what kind of parent you would want to be - woudl you want to do co-sleeping, would you let your baby cry it out ... go window shopping for baby stuff ... look up names ... tell yourself you'll go off birth control in 3 months, whatever. and most importnat - take note how "living" this way makes you FEEL. Do you feel excitement, anticipation? Or dread, a feeling like you are being trapped? Although the practical things Duane brought up are VERY important, I think the answer most often comes from our hearts.

Then live CF for a week, a month, whatever. Put all thoughts of kids out of your mind. What kind of plans would you make, waht sort of retirement or job opportunities or volunteer work ... look at yourself in the mirror and say "I'm not EVER going to have kids." Do you feel release, freedom, relaxation? Or do you feel sad, etc? Again, my theory that your heart will tell you if you can get away from the static that you seem to be in at the moment.

It may be helpful for your spouse to do this at the same time - it will make it more "real" - but you also don't want to really get his hopes up if he misunderstands that you are just "trying on" the different decision.

Although I have not faced the decision you are looking at, I went through something like it when we had the infertility diagnosis. I *really* was ready to have kids and wanted them so much. But I knew I had to be 100% sure that whatever path we took was the right one for us - ethically, etc. Would it be better to start on the medical-help path, or would it be better to start looking at adoption ... my mind was spinning like different people were shouting at me in my head all day. It took about 5 months for me to really settle into what was right for us. That is why I feel this advice may have something to offer you.

ONe more caveat - "borrowing" kids of different ages for a night or a weekend will certainly give you a sense of the WORK involved in a being a parent - there is ALOT of work! But I will say that old, it's different when it's your own. The special, wonderful moments are unspeakably great. The bad moments are unspeakably awful. When it's your child having a tantrum, it's not a matter of just handing him/her back and being relieved of it all. You are responsible for teaching this child the best you can, how to handle life - for him/her self and for society. It can be really rough going to get him/her through this patch, and you CANNOT give up because it will handicap your child - not to mention make for a bad quality of life for you as a parent when they are teenagers, etc. Parenting can be like a mirror that reflects your own weaknesses back at you (ie. mykids are NOT good at tidying up, since I am not a good role model for this myself.) What I'm trying to say is that will give you an idea, but the real picture is 1000X more intense in both the good and the bad.

I hope this is well-balance and has something to offer you. I hope you can be kind to yourself and give yourself some time to relax soon.

Andie

RNS,

Wow, everyone here gives really good advice. I especially liked Andie and Duane's. I think everyone has given you some great directions to start in. I can sympathize, to a teeny tiny extent, as your same thoughts occassionally run through my head. But they run in and out in about 5 minutes and I go back to being completely sure I never want kids; plus I never had the added complication of a previous pregnancy. I think one thing to outline is that, should you decide to have kids, you will be ahead of the game. Because you were once CFBC, it means you thought long and hard and you truly want kids and are aware that it's not all fun and games, and are commited to being a parent and all it entails. And if you choose to remain CF, you'll know that you contemplated life on the other side and for your own reasons prefer to be without children. Good luck to you in your journey and I hope you come to peace with your decision.

Just a general comment to everyone:

Because I am a guy, I deal more with facts and realities -- thusly where I came from. I can never understand how a woman feels about the desire, intermittent or not, about wanting to have a child grow inside her. Feelings are intensely personal, especially for women, who by their nature, are more emotionally driven than men in the nurturing department.

With every reply I read, I really do learn more about how the female mind works. I never will understand it totally. I really don't think many guys can, or ever, do. But, the journey is worth the effort, to me.

I once read that the best way to be happy with a woman is to love her a lot, but come to terms with the fact that you will never completely understand her. Which makes a lot of sense to me.

I learned that lesson a long time ago. My experiences with women show that the best way to make a woman happy when she is troubled, is to just let her talk, as long as she needs to. Don't interrupt at all -- pay attention to what she is, and most importantly, what she ISN'T saying. The key to success with communication with women is to listen -- don't just let words go in one ear and out another, with you interjecting what you want to say -- it won't work. Be the method of communication on the phone, in person, or in online chat, the same principles apply.

Responses need to be judged -- when a woman opens up to a man with her feelings, she is very vulnerable to the wrong word being said -- that is when emotional hurt occurs Thusly, I have learned to be VERY CAREFUL with what is said in such conversations. Sometimes it is appropriate to be gentle, kind, calm, and reassuring. At other times, thing are so bad from what I am told, but the woman does NOT see things as that bad. That is when you have to be bold and not sugarcoat the reply. Those are the hardest discussions to have, because she needs to see the situation for what it is. That is when the chance of emotional hurt is worth the chance in being blunt, because the other situation that causes angst is so bad, it is much worse

As far as me being a macho, "manly man", with arrogant a-holeitude, by no means am I even close. People that know me well, know that I am not arrogant at all. What you see is what you get, whether it is in public/work type environments, or at home in private. I'm as easy going as ya can get -- that's why my wife loves me for who I am, because I never was, and never will be the bossy kind of person. It just leads to contentment and overall happiness -- I'm all for that.

Back to the main point: I can understand a woman's POV pretty close much of the time, having been such a friendly confidant for women in trouble for about 20+ years. Because of that training, I now am able to give that attention to one lucky woman 24/7 now.

"I can never understand how a woman feels about the desire, intermittent or not, about wanting to have a child grow inside her."

Neither can I! I don't really have a very strong desire to have a baby at all and I am female! Some of us are born without it I think.
I'm going through about 10% of am I SURE about this (being childfree) and oh but our baby would be half my husband though. But 90% or more of me is going HELL NO!! (Besides, back to the half husband thing I already KNOW we would fight like cat and dog over parenting!!)

I would like to thank all of you for responding. I also want to apologize for the amount of time it took me to respond. When I last wrote, I was going through what I call one of my "bad" weeks. After I wrote, I actually felt better letting it all out and was able to forget this for a while. I am now writing to you in better spirits, although, I still have not made a decision. Oh, and I changed my screenname, so I hope I don't confuse anyone.

Duane, thank you so much for writing. It means a lot to hear a guys point of view. Although you may not be able to figure out our minds completely, I sometimes asking myself how men think without all the emotion we seem to have. So hearing from you means a lot.

Andie, it means a lot to hear from someone with children as well. Someone who knows what having children is really like.

I wanted to add a few more things so you get a better understanding. First, I wonder how much traveling I would be able to do without a child only because I love animals. I currently own 6 reptiles and 2 cats. When I move out of my condo, I want one or two dogs. Having this pet hobby makes it difficult to find people willing to care for all of them when I am gone...especially the exotic ones. With that said, I can honestly say that there are times I absolutely hate all the work involved with caring for them, but at the same time, I would never give them up because I adore them all. That may sound strange since some are pets some people would not even consider owning. I almost wonder if I would feel the same way about a child...get annoyed at times, but still do it all because I would love it. But would I?

It is true that there were times I wanted a child. There was even that one time we tried and I remember needing root canal and telling the Dr to be careful because I might be pregnant. I was actually excited about the thought. It was when I actually got pregnant, when I was really sure I was taking the test for kicks and giggles, that I had all these emotions of not wanting children. Sure, I never had a strong desire to have one before that happened, but I was willing to try. Now, I am not so sure.

Even after I miscarried and wanted a child again, I did try for two months, with these doubts building up again more and more each day...but when I took the test, there was a part of me that wanted to see two pink lines. About 10 minutes after only seeing one, I started to feel a bit of relief.

My husband and I have talked a lot. We know how we would raise a child, who would get night time duties (or how we would share) and I even have names picked out for a boy and a girl. But the fear of the reality....that this decision, either way, is for life, scares the hell out of me. It just seems so much easier to stay the way we are now. After all, I am happy with it the way it is, so why risk changing that and maybe not being happy and wishing things were the way they used to be?

I am glad I did not come back here to find a bunch of responses telling me not to do it just for my husband. I completely agree with that, and know that is not a reason to do it, which is why I am taking this so seriously. I know only I can make this decision.

Oh, and sorry for the long post....