BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Hi Boss - I'm pregnant, again

That's weird. That you are so hung up on this childless thing that you choose to meet people on that premise alone? How about an art group? What do you guys do, just complain about people with kids? Really really odd.

I disagree with her comments! Some childfree forums DO complain about people with kids. But firstly who ELSE can we complain to? Secondly, I like to talk about the POSITIVES of having no kids!
Thirdly I think we DO have more time energy and money for our hobbies than some parents whether it's art or whatever!

And P.S. we're also a minority (although a growing one!) It's sort of like saying "Why do gay people need groups?" "Why do people of whatever ethnicity need groups?" It's partially a minority thing, support, encouragement etc!

"That's weird. That you are so hung up on this childless thing that you choose to meet people on that premise alone? How about an art group? What do you guys do, just complain about people with kids? Really really odd. "

Hehhe I think this person's comment is weird. Why do mothers and parents have groups? Isn't having kids the premise of them being a group? So what's so weird about the opposite?? Talk about outright discrimination.

Not a very bright person...to come into our forum and discriminate against us! Dim...

Sorry, I hope I didn't confuse you guys - they actually posted that statment on the On Balance Washington Post blog. It's a site for helping people work out a work/life balance. But they seem pretty intolerant toward the CF. Very good point, that "the parents" are a group, and they are the majority. It's impossible to even have a phone conversation with any of my friends without their kids chiming in in the background. Annoying! I don't think it's crazy at all to join a group of adults that centers around adult activities. Parents and their kids are pretty much a package deal. It's hard enough to find a couple to socialize with, where you like the guy and gal. I like some of my friends kids, but I also like to see them alone. And that isn't easily arranged.

I had never really thought about maternity leave in that way, it's just so instilled in us that it's normal and expected, but I've read through some very valid points. Parents do get preferential treatment in the workplace - no question. My kid is sick, I'm going to work from home. Billy is having a halloween party today and I want to be there to help. I need to leave early today to take Katie to soccer practice. I hear this kind of stuff every week in my office and it's not even something that is thought over, just an automatic yes. Management doesn't monitor whether they made up that time for leaving early. You have a sick kid so you are allowed to work from home??? What is that? If my pet was sick, I'd be expected to use personal time, I wouldn't have the same option. Very frustrating and quite unfair. And the saddest part about it is - is there really anything that can be done about it??

Back in the old days when I was thinking of procreating (old days meaning about 6 months ago) I was advised by numerous people that I should quit being a freelancer and get a regular job so that I'd get maternity leave with benefits. I wouldn't do it, because I love being a freelancer and it's not worth it to me. I won't take a company's benefits anyway, since I have my own and want to keep it that way so I have the freedom to work where I want to, and not be trapped somewhere for the benefits (been there, done that). Sure I pay through the nose for health insurance, but freedom has a price. And besides, I don't have any kids so can spend my money to make my life how I want it!

But the idea just seems unethical, even though I know many women do that. I've even been on a hiring committee once where we interviewed an obviously pregnant woman. It was a big dilemma because she was the best candidate, but there was no doubt she'd be gone pretty much right after getting hired. We hired her anyway, and it wasn't my department so I didn't have to deal with it luckily! (It actually worked out, because she actually returned to the job after a reasonable maternity leave and stayed many years).

But every person who gave me that advice knew very well that I wouldn't be willing to stay at a regular job for long, especially after having a child! Then I'd be wanting to work at home even more. So I would have to be dishonest when applying for the job.

My boyfriend and I were just talking about this. I honestly feel that it shouldn't count against you if you plan to or already have kids, but it should be a brownie point in your favor if you don't. Let's face it--I won't miss work for any kid-related issues, my health insurance will be cheaper, etc. I will never decide to be a SAHM (unless I win the lotto, I'd be a SAH Dog Mom!) and I will never cause anyone around me to do extra work because of any of the above. Mom-in-the-next-cubicle-over shouldn't be outright penalized for the above, but I better be first on the list when it comes to bonuses, raises and promotions. Bottom line is, whoever does the best job should receive the most in return. Kids naturally cause parents to prioritize between work and kid-related issues, but kids are a CHOICE. Parents act like their kids just appeared one day and became their obligation, and everyone should just understand when they can't perform as expected because of this. I'm sorry, but you chose to procreate because you WANTED to be a parent.

Employers also have a choice. As an employer you know that a mom will be taking time off for child related stuff. That they'll have domestic days every month. That they'll leave early and start late. How they choose to deal with that is up to them. Many of them go for the guy...

I'm not against maternity leave at all, but I totally agree with Shannon. You made the choice, and you know that society will demand certain consequences. You will penalise yourself in terms of your career without a doubt. But you also penalise your employer, who has to juggle staff to cover your absences, hold your position open even if it means paying and training a contractor, and keep you on benefits even though you're not producing anything for him. It's an expensive exercise and an administrative nightmare. No wonder many employers choose to take a pass...

All I know is, I want to move to Denmark.

Some of my fellow network engineers (all men) are married and have young children. I don't interact with them much, but one thing I do notice is that there is a requirement for the field engineers (the ones that travel from school site to school site) that if they will be unavailable for a period of time (say, half a day), they have to send an email to all of the other engineering people so people can cover for them, etc. Not a problem -- when I am out occasionally for a sick day, I do the same as well.

There are two of the engineers who are, more often than not, unavailable some mornings or afternoons because of "child issues. " Taking the kid to the doctor, child is sick all of a sudden, babysitter isn't availble this afternoon, etc, that kind of stuff. Yes, these people are not women, but the effects are the same. I notice those things becuase of the emails in my inbox each day. I hardly ever miss a day at work, unless I have a doctors' appointment, etc. That's interesting because I've been in system at my workplace here so long I get 12 sick days a year, 20 vacation days, and 3 personal days each year. I've been in this system for 13 years -- I'm literally forced to take vacations or I lose some of those days That's why I can take two week vacations twice a year, plus the occasional weekend jaunts that go with being CF and having my wife working at home, for herself, full time.

And I love my job, too! I'm able to support myself and my wife in a comfortable environment, and we both do what we want to do and we love it. I'm definitely happy