BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids The moment it really solidified...

I would probably have an abortion. I've always been pro-choice, but I never thought I would do it. But, the older I get, the more I know I don't want kids, and I know I'd have an abortion.

My husband and I were talking the other day (this has been a huge topic in the last week) and I said that if I had a kid for him I would resent him, or what if something happened to him and I was stuck with a kid I never wanted. He said that I would never feel that way about a child, but I wouldn't want to take that chance, you know?

I've never had a REAL scare, but I am never good about taking the pill at the SAME exact time every day, and that tends to throw my cycle off by about a day sometimes. Well, every time the first day of my period comes and goes with nothing happening, I immediately get nervous that maybe this time it's not because I took a few pills two hours late, it's because I'm pregnant.

I try to explain that to my husband, but I don't think he gets it.

I can identify with Ingilbert: I was always pro-life, but it was AMAZING how quickly that changed when my ex-boyfriend's condom broke a while back. It's a really sobering experience that is merely the beginning of a couple of weeks of hellish angst. The following morning, I headed straight for the pharmacy to get a morning-after pill (Plan B pill), and I was just praying it would work so I wouldn't have to take the next steps, which most likely would have included an abortion.

Though my ex-boyfriend is a really nice guy, I knew I didn't want to marry him. If I was all about babies, I might have considered having the baby, but I knew I wasn't, and while having an abortion might be a bad thing in some people's eyes, I view bringing an "oops" baby into the world to parents who don't want it to be a travesty. Hats off to the women who do make that sacrifice for their religion or personal reasons, but I wasn't going to be one of them.

That Plan B pill wreaks havoc on you mentally and physically (I got three periods in 5-6 weeks) but hey, at least it worked).

Now, I'm dating a man who is snipped, and it's ohhhh soooo nice not to have to worry about pills, condoms or anything else.

I think that my CF stance has just about solidified. I am only 29, so there's still time for my feelings to change, but I doubt they will. When DH took a junior high band director job that would let him be at home more and not as stressed as high school band directing, the story he told his students/coworkers at that school was that he was leaving because we were contemplating starting a family in the next few years and he wanted to be around a lot more than he had been while teaching HS. Well, when we started actually having frank discussions about timing, whether we were going to have kids, etc., I think that I just got nervous, upset, etc., at the whole idea of being pregnant, giving birth, and then having this huge responsibility for the next 18 years. I already work full-time, and I don't want to come home and do yet another job. It's hard enough to get me to do any housework till the weekend! I love our cats, and they do require lots of love and attention, but there's a lot more sacrifice with a "human" child. Our cats are our children, and that's just fine with me. Hopefully DH will realize how wonderful our lives are as they are right now before too long also. He's not pressuring me, but I am just keeping my fingers crossed that he fully embraces the CF stance before too long like I have.

I have always been pro-choice, and I think that the choice to terminate a pregnancy is an extremely personal one, that no one should be able to make for a woman, except for that woman. It's her body. I don't want to start some heated debate on the subject - it's just common sense to me, though. I have always thought that since we're married and stable, I would go through with a surprise pregnancy (I'm on the pill and he's using condoms also), but at this point in my life, with my angst over even the thought of pregnancy and child-rearing, I'm not so sure. It would be a very difficult decision to make, and I'm not sure how many people we could even tell. My friend and her husband recently found out they were expecting a child after she used the pill, and she decided to have the baby, even though she wasn't entirely sure she wanted one. She's doing fine, but she was sick at first, and she really isn't enjoying pregnancy....she said "Don't ever get pregnant" to me. I would hate to feel that way. OK, I'm rambling - just trying to get my feelings out there.

I had been vehemently CF for about 5 years, and really started to question it over the last year. I think this had to do with a combination of the following:

-my cousin (closest thing I have to a sibling) was preggers/had a baby this year
-another on-line friend had a baby in a very crunchy water birth (which is what I'd do if I ever had a kid so it was really interesting to me)
-I was CRAZY stressed from writing my thesis, moving and looking for employment
-also on the thesis tip- I read someone who said creative processes like writing are tied to reproductive urges, so maybe I had something like that

I actually joined this board as a pretty level head place to read cf stuff, and there seems to be discussion of doubts here, you don't find on the average cf site.

Anyway, I was really feeling VERY torn. Like I could see both futures, cf and with child, and I liked both of them. And I felt like either way I would be losing something really important.

Well I wrote about this else where, but one night we sat down to work out a rough budget to see how much of a house we could afford. And there it was right in front of me... we can't even afford the life I want (yet). There is NO WAY in hell we could afford a kid, a house, for me to stay home for a few years, much less hobbies, and a vacation a year. Not to mention, I want to be responsible and chuck away 20% of our income towards debt reduction and then savings.

So the part of my brain that had some sort of attachment to the baby fantasy has been stopped dead in it's tracks by the REST of my brain. I've not felt the tension at all since. This is good, because I was really mourning my lack of cf conviction. It was like I had lost a piece of myself I had been so sure of.

Oh, and as for abortion. I'm PRO-CHOICE with a CAPITAL P. My thesis was actually on abortions, and my adviser is the MOST pro-abortion person I've ever met. Yes, pro-abortion, as in for some women it may a smart choice for birth control, not just a back up.

That said, I don't know what I would do if I got pregnant. That's why I have an IUD, which is 99.9% effective I think if I got pregnant, step one would be remove IUD, which could cause a miscarriage. If not, then I'd have a hard decision to make. My boyfriend got a girl pregnant in college and she had an abortion. I know it REALLY f@#$-ed him up. Not because he wanted to be a father, but just the circumstances. It would be really hard to put him through that again, if he felt it would bother him as much the second time.

It's so creepy to think he could have had a 13 year old. That's almost half my age.

I have similar feelings..my husband is quite a bit older than me, and had "that" happen more than once in his young&wild years. Somehow, by the grace of god, he was able to talk each GF into an abortion (he can be very persuasive). He did have a few GFs who were desperate to get pregnant and hook him, but somehow he skated through that too.

I am immensely grateful that he doesn't have any kids from previous relationships, and I don't have to deal with a stepchild, ex-wife or GF, paying money out for child support, etc. I had enough of that [censored] in my own childhood, (the weekend visits, the angst over holidays, competing between parents) and want nothing to do with it now, that's for sure!

I am immensely grateful that he doesn't have any kids from previous relationships, and I don't have to deal with a stepchild, ex-wife or GF, paying money out for child support, etc.

You should be. It's hell. His ex-GF spent years turning down financial help from us, then took him to court for child support. She won. Keep in mind that she ran off one night with the kid while he was at work! She leaves to free herself to date another man and he pays! And he pays. And he pays. We're paying out so much in child support (including retroactive from the day she ran off), that we have less than one month's income in savings right now and were forced to put our groceries on a credit card twice last year. She's going to clubs with her friends every night and we can barely afford to rent a movie. Also, the child is seeing almost none of that money and nothing is being set aside for her education. And her father and I are too poor to do that because her mother is partying away all our money.

I sometimes wish I hadn't fallen in love with a guy with a kid. I'm tied forever to a kid I never planned. I'm tied forever to a woman I hate. I'm tied to scary child support payments for another 10 years. I found the right man, I have no doubt, but his baggage is enormous!

On the plus side, though his ex-GF and I look nothing alike... his daughter, oddly enough, looks like a perfect blend of him and me. Actually, a bit more me than him. She and I even have matching birthmarks. So I never have to wonder what a child of ours would look like.

I know I've rambled and ranted again, but the child support thing is a big issue in my life. You should all be thankful you don't have that problem.

Ya gotta love having a band director for a hubby! Mine used the same excuse to leave a high school/middle school gig for another one, but with much better pay and no competitions! I have no idea why used it as a reason though...unless he's getting pregnant!

I think I had my moment today! My man in napping right now, when I was the one who got up at 6:30 to take out the puppy. I then went back to sleep for a little while and then I was the one who got up again at 8:30 to feed her and take her out again. He wanted me to bring her to his school, so I was the one who took her out again, packed up some puppy stuff, fought with her to get her car harness on and listened to her cry for the trip. Once there it was, get her out, walk her around to show people, then battle time again to get back on the road. We decided to take her to a park, so once there, out of the car, get ready to go... and oops! He had to eat something, so he left us there while he went to get something. I had to take her into the bathroom, try to keep her under control and manage to go to the bathroom! She did enjoy herself, but it was a lot of time in the beating hot sun. Finally, it was time to fight the harness again and drive home(hubby gets to be in another car for all of this fun). Once home, I fed her, took her out again, put her back in her crate and made and gave her her binky(kong with ice for teething). I finally can take a breath and discover he put dinner in for himself already and I was on my own. By the time I finished my food...he's the one sleeping! I have been fighting a headache and my stupid period all day along with everything else and he's sleeping! I said to myself in the kitchen that I will NEVER have a baby because this is what it will be and worse. I'm off for the summer, so working would add even more stress! Good thing my In-laws guessed that a puppy would seal the deal of no baby because judging by the level of help I'm getting right now with the dog and how I feel, I know WE could not happily handle a child.

Sorry for the rant, but this was really my moment!

Another thing that wasn't really a moment of clarity, but was something that was sorta eating at me when I was considering whether I'd consider having children was the following:

I love my partner dearly. He's as perfect a match for me as I can think of, and he's just really good to me. You knew there was a BUT though right? But, there are some things he does that just make me bonkers.

Most of it has to do with him not being able to remember or think through things that seem so "duh" to me. For instance, he opens the refrigerator in the evening, and says, "Where did YOU put the water bottles?", and I roll my eyes and say "I handed YOU the water bottles this afternoon to put in the fridge, where did YOU put them?". This proves to me that it's not just the things I want him to do that he forgets, it's stuff he wants for himself as well. On a good day it's almost endearing, but when I'm stressed it makes me REALLY frustrated.

I started thinking there was a good chance that any offspring would have the same quirks and it would make absolutely batty to live in a house of 4, where I was the ONLY one who could remember where anything was, or remember to start the dishes etc. I'd lose my mind. Fortunately, I can handle it, when it's just one

Hi, Rogue. I know so much about your "flip-flop" feelings about kids. Just the other day, I was watching Forrest Gump (again) and got all teary at the part when Forrest finds out he has a son, and he realizes that his little boy is like a "better" him. At Christmas time, I think a lot about those precious family moments as a girl and how wonderful it would be to have a child to shower with gifts. I see all my friends who are new parents, talking about how their babies have had such a positive effect on their lives.

Then something will always take me back down to earth. The screaming kids at church. The fear of childbirth that I have always had. The fear that my body will lose its shape (I just lost 30 lbs and am extremely fit). Just like you, I am very close to my husband and don't wish to compromise that. Also love to travel and have time to myself on a regular basis. If I were to make a pros and cons list for having kids, the "cons" list could go on forever.

You always have to ask yourself "What do I want out of life?" and ignore the background noise. I'll be thinking about you, girl!!

yehonala - my DH ended up getting a pay raise by accepting this position too - his hours will be shorter (most days - he's now a dept chair in addition to the junior high band director), and he'll be making more money. When he was using the possible family as an excuse, I did get a few questions from band parents, but I was able to answer them by saying something like "Possibly in the next few years..." - of course that's before I really started to think that I would be ok never having kids!

And what is it about men that they can just nap anytime, no matter if they're actually sleepy or stressed from lots of work? I usually sleep in on the weekends, but once I'm up, I'm up for the day. It's very hard for me to fall asleep before bedtime, unless I'm excessively tired. My DH will go to bed early and wake up after a nice 8 or 9 hours of sleep, yet still nap at some point the next day?! I always feel like I do a lot of stuff to keep our house together/presentable/running smoothly and can only imagine that my responsibilities would grow exponentially if there was a human kid in the mix with all the kitties, etc. It just seems like the woman always has more work, no matter how much the man tries to help.

violet - I totally know where you're talking about - sometimes I feel like if I wasn't around, my DH couldn't function - he's a smart guy and knows lots about music, about electrical stuff, home improvement, cars, etc. However, it seems like sometimes he only has half of a brain....I'm the one who knows where stuff is, knows people's phone #s/bdays/addresses, etc., gets the groceries, remembers that we have way too many dirty dishes and that the dishwasher must run and be unloaded, etc. Sometimes I joke and say, "Would you like me to wipe your a$$ for you too?" I think I have enough kids with the adult male and 6 felines I have in the house!