BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Confidence

How do we gain confidence? any clues?

Excellent question, cd! I'd have to say we gain confidence by taking the chance and by surviving the outcome however things may turn out. Atleast it should work that way, but to be honest, hasn't always been the case in my life. That could actually work in either direction, depending on circumstances. I'll be watching this closely because I could really use some these days. Thanks for asking!

I think you are right, nadaurz, that some of our confidence comes from accomplishing things and recognizing that accomplishment for ourselves. Those who don't try, and who only want things done for them because they "can't," don't gain this kind of confidence.

I wonder... you say sometimes it has worked for you and sometimes it hasn't... could the difference be in how well you recognize what you have accomplished? Take for instance, trying to quit smoking... do you see how much you have accomplished, or only see how you feel you've fallen short? Because i see the progress you have made... even if you are smoking as much... because you tried. And that shows you are orienting your mind and your lifestyle to become a non-smoker.

You have reminded me that i need to work on recognizing my accomplishements, too. In this area, i more often see the glass as half empty instead of half full!

You're right, I see my attempt at quitting smoking as a failure at this point. Not because I have given up, because I haven't, but because I've failed to achieve what I set out to do. I feel I should be able to give them up-that it shouldn't be that hard. I have beaten much worse demons in my life. I want to quit very much. Why can't I keep my determination in control, rather than my weak side? I guess I see my failures as weaknesses and that doesn't give me any confidence. You're right though about the half empty/half full thing. I know I've always held myself to much higher standards than I do anyone else, but I know what I'm capable of accomplishing and I'm not living up to it. Thanks for the insight!

Nadaurz, from my outsider's point of view, you have EVERYTHING it takes to quit smoking: the will, the determination AND the desire. You know, as well as I do, that YOU can be successful! You have an extremely BIG OBSTACLE holding you back, like a ball and chain. You live in house of smokers.

I remember when we all were talking about how GOOD each of you were doing when you and Lala first quit smoking. I remember that Lala said how fearful she was to go over to a friend's house because they smoked. After she and her husband had visited them, she came back on and said that her friends had gone outside to smoke each time and how that had made such a BIG difference for her. I remember how everyone talked about how hard it would be to go to a bar or have drinks because that was always when a cigarette always tasted good. So Lala had said that she would not go to a bar or where there would be drinking to avoid the temptation until she was over her smoking urges.

You are living in a situation that is ALMOST impossible to give up cigarettes, since you live with smokers. You shouldn't beat up on yourself when your willpower is not strong. When a person decides to quit smoking, all the non-smokers remind them how good the air will smell, how good THEY will smell, how great everything will taste, how you won't have the stale nicotine stench in the furnishings and clothes and hair. Those ARE great things to look forward to, as well as the health issues and financial costs. You CAN give up YOUR habit, but living with everyone else's habit negates your every attempt at staying completely away from cigarettes.

When cigarettes are being lit around you all the time, it is constantly a challenge to not smoke, remain smoke free, and not cheat or have just "one" cigarette with everyone else. I think every non-smoker (who once smoked) knows that if you have ONE, you pretty much have to start over on the whole quitting thing. It is very frustrating. But don't give up, just get right back on the wagon. A slip once in awhile is not the same as giving up as long as you try and try again. Eventually you WILL be successful!

You MIGHT have do what Lala does when she goes places, but in reverse, since it will be where you live. When someone goes to light up, you might have to deliberately, and even LOUDLY announce that YOU will go outside while the cigarette is being smoked. Let your in-laws be aware EVERYtime they smoke how hard it is on YOU and they MIGHT start being more considerate and either smoking less or going outside themselves. One way or the other, you have changed the situation from the usual, from what you WERE used to and have a better chance to change your behavior to not smoke.

Quitting a habit like smoking is hard enough when all the circumstances are perfect. Your living situation is far from perfect and will make it much more difficult for you stay smoke free, but if you can make a FEW changes while others smoke, then it will be much easier on you to live like a regualar nonsmoker does. Maybe a room air filter for cigarette smoke (ionizer), a small fan, leaving the room when the most smoking occurs, etc.

I know that it is VERY hard to quit smoking and still be around those who smoke. I quit over 30 years ago. I don't ever THINK of having one now and I HATE to be around anyone who smokes. If someone starts to light up, I gather up everything I am doing and MOVE to another spot. I use fans everywhere and have air filters to keep the impurities out of the air. I have sprays and soy candles and even febreze.

Give yourself a break. Next time you decide that YOU ARE giving up cigarettes for good, then have some alternatives laid out so you CAN achieve success in your in-laws house, with them still smoking. I wish you LOTS of LUCK, because it is going to be a little harder for you than most people, because you can't just avoid smoke or cigarettes in the place you live.

Best wishes and good luck.

Trish.

Sue (nadaurz), i don't know what the statistics are, but most of the people i've personally known to quit smoking, did not succeed the first time, and many of them had to try several times, but eventually they made it. If it were so easy to quit, i don't think we'd have half as many smokers these days as we do. I'm not saying this to discourage you (many, MANY people have succeeded in quitting), just to point out that many of the great accomplishments in life are not won the first time out. I remember hearing that the part of the population with the most declared bankrupcies in their past... are you ready for this? ...are the top Fortune 500 CEO's!!! That's right... the multi-millionaires and billionaires. I mean, look at Donald Trump... he came back from bankrupcy with a bang. I think i remember correctly, that the top Fortune 500 CEO's have twice the rate of bankrupcies in their past as the average population.

When i heard that little statistic i was dumbfounded and wondered, how come? What does that mean? And i think what it means is, A) they were willing to go for their dreams, even when it meant taking big risks, B) they did not give up on their dream after a big failure, and C) they considered their "failure" a valuable education, and they used it! and ultimately succeeded because they adjusted their strategy using the education of their failure. I think the saying goes, "it isn't a failure if you ask yourself what you've learned from this."

And we all have failures. My former housemate took her driver's test 5 times before passing (let me tell you, it was a little scary those days taking her out for driving practice! ), and we think they pitied her the last time and just passed her because she was so nervous and did so many things wrong during her test. She's gotten better with practice, though, and i can actually keep my eyes open now when i'm in the car with her (just kidding, she's perfectly safe now). And i have a friend, who, just this past week he lost $13,000 because he failed to submit a couple of the supporting materials with his bill on a contract, and there is no way for him now to recoup the money, and he had to absorb the expense. That's a big OOOPS!

I've got my own issues with failure. Losing money hardly bothers me... it's only money. Losing people i care about on the other hand, just eats me up and never seems to go away, and usually i blame myself. Unfortunately, i've let this hang me up from feeling confident, and i've let it keep me from trying to find a good mate. But... i just have to change that. I have to say, okay, what have i learned? ...and not give up and move on, and that's going to be hard to do if i see this as a FAILURE rather than an education and merely a temporary set back. The more kuddos i can give myself for trying my best, for what i did right, and for understanding what i've learned, the better my chances of success next time.

Perhaps the only true failure, is quitting. We usually quit because we've become discouraged... and that brings us back to how confidence plays into this.

I'm noticing more and more, how often inside my head, even when i don't voice it, i'm either explaining why i can't do things, picking at myself for how i think i should be more successful, or placing some kind of limitation on myself... that may not at all be true. I also just plainly focus on the half empty glass... how i feel i'm lacking, focusing on my failures instead of my gains, or focusing on what my "barrier" is to success, instead of what Tami suggested, focusing on what i can do. With this kind of self-talk... no wonder i'm not confident! I'm like an abusive parent to myself... always on my back nagging.

So besides the general advice of stopping the "inner nagging," what might i do to be more aware of it and more encouraging to myself?

I agree with Trish! It's hard enough not smoking when you're alone, let alone living with a house full of smokers, or even just being friends with smokers. I dont know your living situation, but I would like to suggest that if it is YOUR house (and people are living WITH you) then I would makea rule where everyone has to smoke outside. Or could you even nicely ask people to do that anyways? Or even possibly have one room as a smoke room? I believe that you can do it, but for ANYONE trying to quit when you live with smokers, it is nearly impossible. I know how bad you want to quit, so dont let others hold you back. Surrounding yourself with positive people and nonsmokers really makes it much easier. And I have Bella to thank for that. Does your family/friends know how much you want to quit? If you haven't, I would suggest sharing your goal with them. My husband is still smoking, but he still does not smoke in front of me. I dont even notice when he goes for a smoke because he does it when Im not paying attention so Im not tempted and then he washes his hands and face afterward.

The other times I tried to quit I didn't have the same support that I have receieved this time around. To be honest, its the non smokers that are the most encouraging because while a smoker may be proud of us for trying to quit, THEY arent into it and generally THEY dont believe they can do it so they arent going to be much help. Ive found that having a quitting buddy (like a close friend/relative) CAN be good for support, its just as easy for them to cave in together. Thats what happened with hubby and I sooo many times. Everytime we started smoking again we would buy a pack together instead of helping eachother get over it together. So this time around we are quitting separately.

I have 2 friends starting to try. I cant remember the name of it but you take it while smoking for about 3 weeks. They are mints that you eat every couple of hours and there is something in it that makes your brain reject the nicotine and over a course of 3-7 weeks you should stop smoking completely because your body ends up rejecting it. You are also supposed to cut down over those weeks, so the hand to mouth habit is easier to end too.

My mom and hubby are planning on quitting at the end of the month. They share the same birthday July 26, and both want to be quit by then.

I think Holly and I posted around the same time lol... but I just wanted to add that I have seriously attempted quitting 5 times before this time around. Hubby has tried 3 times. My mom has tried 4 times that I know of. But everytime I tried, even though I started again, I now look at it as much more of an accomplishment because if I hadn't tried those other 4 times, then it would have been 10 times harder this time. Now that Ive tried so many times, this time around was a sinch... in comparison. I dont know ANYONE who has quit the first time they tried. Most people I know average about 4 times before they kick it for good.

People have said it sooo many times before, just because you slip doesn't mean you have failed. You only fail when you quit trying.

You said that you feel it shouldnt be that hard to quit. Well, it is hard... for everyone. If it was easy then I dont think we'd have very many smokers right now. It may be hard, but it IS possible... for you.

Quote by Lala: "People have said it sooo many times before, just because you slip doesn't mean you have failed. You only fail when you quit trying."

That's so true. Don't give up. It is SO HARD when you live in somebody else's house, but don't give up, just try to make some alterations.

You are not a failure, Sue. Hang in there!

Lala, you stick with it, too! When you are good and strong, you will be able to be a good support for your husband and mother! Good luck to your mom and hubby!!

Trish

Thanks everybody! I'm still trying despite cheating more than not these past couple weeks. My boyfriend is building a watertower about 800 miles away which will take 6-8 weeks. He probably will get only only once since it's so far away. I'm hoping I'll be past the hard part before he's back. I know I'm stronger and more stubborn than them d... cigarettes. Besides, I really hate giving the government so much just to kill myself. I actually hate them so much I can't even enjoy it if I do smoke one. In a away, I feel like I'm losing my oldest and dearest friend. They've been with me for 34 years and have never let me down until now. That's a lot longer than most things stick with me. I know I have to quit thinking like that and I promise I'll try harder. I will be a nonsmoker!