BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Freedom To Reveal Your True Talents

Hi Holly,

Tami asked: What is this current belief that is keeping you from all you want to express and be in this world? It is very important to define it so that you may begin to take its power away and restore the power back to you. (I assure you this is not to focus on the negative that has happened in your life).
I know, Tami. And I�ve been thinking about this. I would say my fear is that there could be more trouble, like that which I have experienced before, for being free. Is that enough? Can you offer some suggestions on how to be more specific?

Why do you fear more trouble? From where? Pl. tell me. I am not getting you.

Holly,

You wrote-

Tami asked, Is what you have to gain worth more than what you have to lose?

It should be an easy question to answer, but actually it�s tough. Feeling free to be yourself and being at your best (flow)... for me, is like heaven. I can�t even describe how wonderful it feels. I want it more than anything else. There are no night terrors, then, either. But at the time in my life when I was most like that, my life became in great danger directly because of living my authentic self... I don�t want this to sound melodramatic, but several people feared I might be murdered and plans were starting to be made for me to run and start a new identity (under the urging of others, not my idea). Obviously I was not murdered and survived, but the losses I did experience were quite extensive... quite!... and I reached a point where I was completely devastated and emotionally broken beyond what I thought possible. There were other times in my earlier life, too, that I experienced significant hardships for speaking up or being independent, or just for being noticed as special.

I�m not sure that changing my belief in this area is necessarily the way to go for a solution. This is not my case, but say for example someone was in danger in their relationship... would you want them to change their belief so they believed they were safe even though they weren�t? No. That the same thing would happen to me again that did before, or even something very similar, is astronomically unlikely! But it IS likely that there will sometimes be some trouble as a result of my �living large and living true,�...it�s happened too consistently to think no bad things will happen as consequence... and I need adequate ways of dealing with it rather than to try to change my belief to something like nothing will happen. Whatever solution I find, I think needs to reflect real possibilities in life. I don�t want to work towards holding a belief that would be shattered when something comes along that proves my belief isn�t true, and even potentially would put me in harm�s way. So that�s the dilemma. I DO desperately need a stronger sense of security and safety, in order to improve my ability to thrive. A sense of security is one of our 6 basic needs. I just don�t know how to go about it and get that feeling back.

Pl. could you let me know a little more about the fears in your mind now?
I will help you remove this block. But I need to understand more.

Tami: Once again, if we look at YOUR belief system, how can you get a sense of security if you feel you put yourself in danger by revealing your full potential to the world?

However, we can look at this a different way. What if we put the world aside for a while and just looked at you in a safe place?

What would it look like for you to be all of your authentic self inside your safe boundaries without sharing your glory with the world? This is for you alone until you may or may not decide otherwise.

Holly: I think that's a contradiction in terms, Tami. I can't be my authentic self... free to do what i wish to do... and also isolated and safe. The parts of me where i am not moving forward are the parts that require a modest amount of public exposure... like going back to college, showing my art again, taking a job that interfaces with the public, and so on.

Tami: Would you be willing to give yourself permission to be fully alive and free with yourself in the place of safety?

Where would that safe place be? Would it be your home? Would it extend further to a choice few friends or family? What is the exact limit where you know you are safe?

I'm not clear on this. The art... has always proven to be funny in this way. I can't for example create good art in privacy and then destroy it before anyone else sees it. If i don't feel safe, i can make poor art but not good art and that's a bit of a mystery as to why. Other things though, have wider boundaries. As with most people, i'm more comfortable with the familiar if it hasn't given me trouble in the past. Teaching at the place where i have been teaching feels safe. I've been asked to teach at other places though, and that does not feel safe. It is, it just doesn't feel that way.

Tami: I thought I heard an underlying hint that the nightmares are based in a lack of feeling secure or safe. (Forgive me if I got that impression from someone else's post. I can't clearly remember right now).

No, i would say that is correct, as much as i understand it.

Tami:How do you think it would affect your nightmares if you told yourself you would not be willingly putting yourself in any danger right now, including the fact that sharing your glory will not be in unsafe places?

I can try it, but i don't think it will have favorable effect... or perhaps it might if we can find different ways of "telling myself." In the past when i have tried to suggest to myself safety, ...well one way, has been by talking to myself that i am safe prior to doing something outside of my comfort zone. I can often get myself out of my comfort zone that way and accomplish the new thing, but the nightmares then react and get worse... that's that undermining thing i mentioned before. The other way i have tried is prior to sleep. Autosuggestion backfires horribly... it will work well for a few days but then the nightmares, as if strained by being held up, flood over and they can become 10x worse after that for a while until returning to their usual pattern. So i'm very reluctant to do that! I do however sometimes use pre-recorded hypnosis tapes as i am falling asleep, or sometimes while walking. They are not specific to me, but for example, one is on self-esteem and another on thinking positively. I found a big difference when i first began listening to them, but no noticeable difference now. I still use them sometimes to help me fall asleep if i'm having trouble relaxing, but they do not seem to affect the nightmares... i have just as many on nights i listen to the tapes as when i do not.

You are right, cd. But also just my current level of nightmares interferes too much with what i am doing today. When they all went away before... they were just gone. One day... just gone. I have thought much on the key to that... i know i felt secure, loved, supported, whole, stimulated artistically, challenged a little. But obviously i'm missing the understanding needed to make it happen again.

Going back to university is actually less for learning and more for getting degrees. I always learn... any environment i learn. I know some stuff that is more useful to me than what i would learn in a classroom, but in life i am disadvantaged without degrees... degrees are "authority." I will enjoy going to school, and perhaps degrees will help me to feel more confident as well.

I also have a lot of talent in art, and an aptitude for math, logic, and physics. But i thought i would study psychology, most likely. Just looking for what degrees would give me the most "passes" to what i might do in the future. One area where i don't feel i have enough learning and would like more, is computers. But i have found university education in computer skills to be very disappointing, so i would not wish to learn it in that environment, i don't think.

Which post were you talking about cd?

I'm losing my internet access now... i will try to find another computer and if not i will see you on Monday.

love to all,
~h

Psychology degree is good idea.
What will you do after that?
How many years to get the degree?

Do you get nightmares everyday?
had you consulted any doctor?

Hi Holly,

Thank you for explaining further. I'm unsure as to whether those questions created clarity or more confusion for you.

Rather than comment on what you've said just yet, I'd like to find out where you would like to go from here.

When we first started this conversation, you wrote: "I would say the obstruction is fear. I get very insecure when i start using my talents. I'm afraid of being noticed, of people around me then having heated emotions, of losing relationships, and of coming under severe attack and accusation."

Can you please clarify exactly what it is that you would like to accomplish through our conversation here? I want to focus on what YOU choose to be the goal. I appreciate you being very specific so I can refering back to it.

There are a few directions we could go based on what you've said previously. Please choose the option that feels right to you.

Option #1)

You wrote: I can't be my authentic self... free to do what i wish to do... and also isolated and safe.

Are isolation and safety the same thing to you? How are they different?

From what you've said, it sounds like your nightmares are telling you that you don't feel safe or secure at this time. In fact, it sounds like the nightmares then prevent you from moving forward.

What DOES make you feel safe and secure?

What activities or expressions of self do you feel bold doing?


Option #2)

You said on a previous email in this thread:

"Where do we go from here?

I've been thinking about talents, but it led to a thought that stepped beyond talents. I asked myself, "If i could put my energy into just one effort at this moment, what would have the most positive impact on my life?" I don't have an answer for it yet, but have been pondering several options. I've also been trying to visualize them in the way you suggested in your last question... to "flash forward" and imagine my life if i put my effort in a certain direction.

Have you explored this further since you last wrote?

Do you need me to decide on that "one" thing next? Should it be a talent or could it be something else, like college or better employment?"

You get to decide what that "one" thing is. What next step would feel exciting and possible while maintaining an acceptable level of safety for you?[b]


Option #3

I can't shake the feeling to ask you this:

Do you trust yourself to honor your safety while moving forward as your authentic self? Please explain.

Option #4)

What's it going to take for you to feel you can reveal your true talents?

**************

Holly, I've given you options so that we can focus exactly where you want to focus right now. We can come back to the other questions after if you'd like.

You seem so motivated to grow...somehow, I'm wondering if you might be ambitious and actually answer all of the questions above. If you do, please tell me which one you'd like to explore first!

I look forward to hearing what you say. You mentioned a while back about me enjoying this. Yes, I do! I hope you enjoy it too

Hello!

Alright, i've just seen these last posts and i'd like to think about them a little bit before responding... i feel like i'm one step behind you, as i've only just thought out the posts i saw on Saturday. I still don't have my6 internet back at home, and that will take a few days to straighten out, so i only have a little time online today to examine this.

But here is what your previous comments got me thinking...

I know of two ways (so far) to break through the barrier i feel in living my authentic self.

The first i experienced about 7 years ago. It was a paradigm shift, or actually a series of shifts. It was virtually instantaneous and joyful. This would be my preferred way of doing it now. But i think the environment played a key role in it happening, and the environment is gone. I felt well loved (by husband and friends of many years), encouraged (even challenged in a friendly way), and entirely safe.

The second way is the way i have been doing it these last years, as i have not yet been able to recreate the first: I push myself. I fight the borders of my comfort zone for gain. This way is painful and slow. So slow, in fact, that for the first two years I could see no gain at all. Only over much time am i able to see gain and it is as i said, painful to make gains. The technique is basically challenge and desensitization.

The first situation contrasts with the second in that in the case of the first I did not expect the paradigm shifts, nor does it seem I had much control over creating the situation (but I'm still hoping I can recreate it somehow). I was also greatly enjoying life! In the second option I have control over how often and how hard i push myself forward, but there are reprocussions (night terrors).

So i guess one thing that i would like is feedback on these options, in particular, if there are other options or ways of recreating the first?

My fear is not necessarily logical, cd. It's more memory... memory of horrible pain, loss, and complex upheaval as consequence of the time i stepped out to live my authentic life before. It's kind of basic, really. If you touch fire, and get burned badly, you come to associate fire with pain. Such has happened to me, only in my case... it was for being happy and free, confident, of genuinely liking myself, of letting my talents go to their reaches. It is unfortunate to have such an association, but it was reinforced in a bombardment of ways over the course of two years, and partially, even by the design of my ex.