 |
|
 |
 |
|
|
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,209
Koala
|
OP
Koala
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,209 |
Thanks for those pages. I just read them both. I have been having very vivid dreams that leave a bad feeling the whole day. It's very disturbing.
Chris Hello Chris, i hope you will join us, too!
|
|
|
|
 |
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,209
Koala
|
|
OP
Koala
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,209 |
[quote=cdmohattaBellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Wolf
|
|
Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004 |
Holly, have you ever asked guidance for your problems? did you ask your mind to give you some direction? What results did you get? I'm assuming you mean divine guidance? Yes, i have, and still do... often, and in different ways. For example, having done "auto-suggestion" with sleep... i have sometimes asked before sleep for god to send me an answer to a question or a hint of a solution to a problem in my dreams, or direction of what i should do. No luck yet, but i still try. But i also try during the day, and just wait patiently. Sometimes i meditate, and empty my mind, and wait to see if an answer will appear. Success of hearing answers for me seems to coincide with my level of intuition at the time. But my intuition happens most when i am strong and whole and my true self. Unfortunately for me then, this means that often when i need the most guidance... because i feel the most lost... is also when i am the most deaf and blind to guidance. I will give you some ideas that will help you do this. Very simple ideas. Wait for a day.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Wolf
|
|
Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004 |
[quote=hollyelise][quote=cdmohattaBellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 53
Amoeba
|
|
Amoeba
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 53 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 335
Shark
|
|
Shark
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 335 |
Holly,Your posts are wonderful.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Take care
cb78 cb, i hope you will join us and share your own thoughts. I'm sure the others would agree that we'd love to have you join in.  Yes, cb, what do you think?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 335
Shark
|
|
Shark
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 335 |
Patricia Evans (the author of the first book), offered a model that i haven't seen anywhere else, but hers was the only description that seemed to make sense of a crazy situation.
She says that both the abuser and the partner were raised in households where one member had "power over" one or more others. Both the abuser and the partner grow up with low self esteem in their households. The partner, however, somehow has overcome many of the unhealthy patterns of their childhood, and most particularly... they have learned to have relationships of equality. The abuser, however, only understands situations where one person has "power over" another. In fact, they can't recognize that other situations exist. The problem is, if they are not the one who has "power over," then they don't feel safe... in their reality if they don't have power over you, you have power over them. In their reality, there is no such thing as equality... either they have the power, or they are threatened and feel the need to be aggressive.
You can't reason with them, because they simply live in a different reality than we do. In fact, Evans explains, your every attempt to reach equality with them will be viewed by them as a threat, to which they will respond with trying to maintain power over you. This is why abusive relationships escallate.
Holly, I love the way this was explained. It paints a much clearer picture of understanding an abuser without taking a whole chapter of reading.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Wolf
|
|
Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004 |
You are right Tami.
This explains very well.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Wolf
|
|
Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004 |
You can't reason with them, because they simply live in a different reality than we do. In fact, Evans explains, your every attempt to reach equality with them will be viewed by them as a threat, to which they will respond with trying to maintain power over you. This is why abusive relationships escallate.
I liked this passage.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,209
Koala
|
|
OP
Koala
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,209 |
cd... i can't tell you how much that book saved me! I got it at the time when i was separated from my husband, but not yet in the divorce process. We (his friends, priest and i) were trying to get him professional help for his mental health issues (bi-polar, psychosis). Eventually we got him into therapy and us into marriage counselling... i still had hope that he would recover and we'd be able to go back to the loving marriage we had before his mental health suddenly deteriorated. So i still had a lot of contact with him, and the mental abuse (as well as harrassment and financial abuse) was still continuing.
What that book, and the other one i mentioned allowed me to do... was to predict his behavior to a surprising degree! Both the books amazed me in that, and they do not entirely overlap so they are both helpful. I read many others but these were the two best. They helped me to identify particular abusive behavior techniques, which are usually unclear to the abused. You have to be able to recognize it in order to protect yourself and avoid exposure.
One of the most valuable things i learned was how to test whether a person is an abuser or not. I don't remember which of the two books this was in. The test is amazingly simple, and the abuser does not know he/she is being tested. The only thing i would amend, is to say i think you should repeat it several times for an accurate result:
When the abuser has set up a situation that greatly bothers you, talk to them and make it abundantly clear how much that distressed you and made you unhappy. Someone who is not an abuser will be concerned that you were upset by it. They may not agree with the details, but they will want very much for you not to hurt and are willing to work on a solution with you. An abuser, on the other hand, is likely to discount what you say, tell you that you are being too sensitive or even ridicule you or insult.
And that's it.
Isn't that amazing? So obvious, but at the time i didn't see it until i read it.
I wish everyone knew how to identify an abuser. It makes perfect sense. Either someone cares about your welfare, or they don't. You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't regard your welfare. It just is not possible.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
We take forum safety very seriously here at BellaOnline. Please be sure to read through our Forum Guidelines. Let us know if you have any questions or comments!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
This forum uses cookies to ensure smooth navigation from page to page of a thread. If you choose to register and provide your email, that email is solely used to get your password to you and updates on any topics you choose to watch. Nothing else. Ask with any questions!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
