BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Use your feelings as your guide

I understood nightmares to mean terrible dreams.

Holly,Your posts are wonderful.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Take care
cb78

Holly,

how about setting up a fan's association?
You are getting many fans!

I have to say that setting healthy boundaries first requires ownership of responsibility. Other people do not have control over my life, I do. It requires me loving myself as much as I love others.

How did I personally do this?

I began to look at myself as someone with incredible value and realized that I had a responsibility to love and protect her. I had to own up to my responsibility to let or not let others cross my personal boundaries and harm me. I am only the victim if I choose to give the control for my well-being over to someone else.

I decided to honor myself and make a decision to look after my own well-being. In doing so, I stopped taking the responsibility for others. I chose not to allow them to speak or treat me in disrespectful ways. If they continued to do so, I made the consequences quite clear. I was not under their control. I could not control them either, but I could control my reaction and where I placed myself in proximity to them.

I began to guard my heart and recognize if someone had a problem with me, it was THEIR problem. I would still check out what they accused me of to see if it was true, but I would ask myself this with love and respect. When it was true, I chose to grow. If a dart they threw at me in a moment of weakness somehow found its mark, I wouldn't allow it to remain in place. I made NO agreement with the lies that were thrown at my heart.

Once I recognized I would have to guard my heart, I started to look at what I wanted to change. This thread is about feelings. If I felt bad after an interaction with someone, I knew there was something I needed to change so that they didn�t have the same negative effect on me.

A good method of setting my actual boundaries was to look at it like being my own best friend. What would I think would be acceptable treatment of her and what would not? What would I suggest she do if she was being ill treated?

I had to come to the place where I recognized that love is sometimes tough, but it is still love. Setting boundaries does not mean I don�t love someone fiercely. I love them enough not to take responsibility for them. When I let them off the hook, I rob them of the opportunity for the chance to grow. Whether they grow or not is up to them � I had to let go of their outcome too. Otherwise, I would find ME being the one who would want to change or control them!

Setting healthy boundaries also required that I break any unhealthy attachments to those whom I loved or felt I needed in my life. I am talking about the type of need that makes us feel weak, not the normal need for human relationship. It required me seeking healing and inner strength. I did this through putting my passionate trust in God instead of people (I�m not talking about religion, but relationship with God). I realized that I would be OK no matter what. That�s a whole other subject!

Over time, it has gotten easier to say, �No�. It is no longer a battle, it is simply a place where I stand in truth. I know my worth. It is not up to another to decide it for me. I know I am worth protecting. If they want to control me or hurt me, I do my best to not make it my problem. Even if I erringly open my boundary gate, I know I have the strength to tell them to leave if they do not treat me with respect. I�m worth protecting!

The fear of others is broken in pieces. Yes, I still find pieces big enough to affect me, but they crumble when I know my true value and control. It is so rewarding to know my heart is no longer in the hands of someone else. I am free to choose the life I want to live.

hahahhahaha!... Silly!

cb, i hope you will join us and share your own thoughts. I'm sure the others would agree that we'd love to have you join in.

Tami, that is such an EXCELLENT post!

I agree with everything you said. My own experiences of learning to set boundaries was very similar, but i could not, as you did, describe how i did it. You gave me much clarity here. I especially liked the following:

Tami: "I have to say that setting healthy boundaries first requires ownership of responsibility. Other people do not have control over my life, I do. It requires me loving myself as much as I love others."

You hit the nail on the head with that one. Would you please elaborate?

Tami: "A good method of setting my actual boundaries was to look at it like being my own best friend. What would I think would be acceptable treatment of her and what would not? What would I suggest she do if she was being ill treated?"

I have also discovered this technique with myself. I just wanted to add, i find it not only helps me to clarify what is acceptable for how others treat me, but also how i treat myself! Sometimes i catch myself saying something that "picks at myself" ...i'll be putting myself down and being harshly self critical. But i'll sometimes catch myself by asking, "Now would i ever say that to a friend or any other human being?!!! ...and i would NOT! And that tells me, right there... that i'm just abusing myself and not being helpful to my growth and happiness, or fair. That comparison of thinking if i would treat another that way, helps me to stop!

I just wanted to say, i think i misunderstood on my first reading of Joan's posts on page 4... regarding intuition.... what she was saying. On rereading more closely I caught a line where she actually did say that intuitive messages are more positive... i don't remember the exact phrasing and unfortunately i didn't clip it. Anyway, now i think my own experiences are similar to what she was describing. She has a much better cognitive understanding of the process than i do, and i learned much by rereading her posts.

I'm assuming you mean divine guidance? Yes, i have, and still do... often, and in different ways. For example, having done "auto-suggestion" with sleep... i have sometimes asked before sleep for god to send me an answer to a question or a hint of a solution to a problem in my dreams, or direction of what i should do. No luck yet, but i still try. But i also try during the day, and just wait patiently. Sometimes i meditate, and empty my mind, and wait to see if an answer will appear.

Success of hearing answers for me seems to coincide with my level of intuition at the time. But my intuition happens most when i am strong and whole and my true self. Unfortunately for me then, this means that often when i need the most guidance... because i feel the most lost... is also when i am the most deaf and blind to guidance.

It's been many years since i've read any research or theories or books about sleep, but i used to know quite a bit about it. Scientific understanding has probably greatly advanced in that time and been changed to accommodate findings from newer research and technology, but as i remember it, nightmares occur during Stage I sleep... also known as R.E.M. (Rapid Eye Movement). Stage I is where we normally dream, and virtually everyone experiences nightmares at some time in their life and in their childhood.

Night terrors, however, are different. They occur during Stage IV sleep, which is deep sleep. Their occurrance is associated with people who have experienced trauma. Night terrors are often accompanied by other sleep problems... somnabulism, for instance (walking or doing things while completely asleep) or varius forms of severe insomnia, or individuals may even be missing REM sleep which can in turn cause serious mental health issues.

I think i can tell when i had a nightmare apart from a night terror just in how it feels. I've talked with a couple other people who experience them also, who agreed from the point of their own experience. When i wake from a nightmare, "oh, it was just a dream!" ...i am able to go on my merry way, relieved. With a night terror, however, i wake up, and though i know it was just a dream, i still feel highly insecure, and it's hard to shake. Once i finally do... i can see i also had distorted thinking when i woke and for some time after. What's more, there is grogginess. If i am guessing correctly, this is because i'm not fully awake yet because i've been interrupted in Stage IV sleep. I have also people tell me, "I tried to wake you and couldn't" ...when i was crying out or whimpering in my sleep. And for me, with night terrors, they can more closely recount something that actually happened. Not always, but once in a while i'll wake up and i can't say, "it was only a dream," ...because i know that it actually happened.