BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Adult Step children - HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, you do not have to love the step children but you should at least respect them, providing they respect you, of course.

You have it a bit easier with step children that are older like that. Two should be out on their own or almost out on their own.

Don't let step children or step children horror stories stop you from marrying "the one". Every family is different. If it will help, sit down with each individual child and ask them how they feel about you marrying their father.

Tell them you may will be marrying him either way but you would very much like their blessing.

I agree with Monique, if you love him, marry him. But I do have this to say, there will be issues with the stepchildren. There always is. I have been with my husband for 7 years. I have a 28 year old daughter, who is a Marine, and we do fine with her. Unfortunately, his 20 year old son, who barely made it out of high school this year for being lazy (and he wouldn't have made it out if I had not pushed him DAILY to get it done), also he has the same issues with cars and jobs that was mentioned earlier at the beginning of thread. He sleeps all day, doesn't go into work on time -- EVER --and has had several jobs in a few months. We got him a car (its in my name, stupid me) so he could get a job and go to school. Well, he never pays the car payment. We pay all insurance and he lives here without paying a cent to us. Finally, last week, after DAILY arguments about him, my husband and I convinced him to go into the Navy. He had been in college a grand total of 10 days, 3 of which he missed, and he just stopped going. After we had paid for it too. So, it was either you go to school full time and work, or you go into the military, or you move back with your mom. Well, she has never done a thing for him, and she wouldn't let him move back with her. She at least told his father that she was not going to support an adult. So, having a daughter who is a Marine, and his dad was in the Navy, we figured the discipline whould help him. He did sign up, on his own. But then we find out he DELAYED his entry for 6 months! So, we still have him here and we are still paying for everything. Argghhhhh. That kid has come close to breaking us up many, many times. Today he was supposed to work at 8:45am, and he is still in bed at 11:05am. We have threatened to throw him out, and pack his stuff to be left on the porch for him if he does not work full time till the Navy. Its like hearing a broken record over and over. If I had known this would happen and continue happening before I married his dad, I never would have. Its one thing to love someone, its another thing to be alone and treated terribly in your own home. And, it is my house. I just have to sit and take it. And its about time to leave. So, just think very carefully about how you deal with the stepkids and agree BEFOREHAND on how to deal with them. It will save you a stroke, or at the very least, high blood pressure. Good luck.

Wow, what a hot topic! I am in monique's exact situation except we are not married. (yet)... My boyfriend's son (21) is doing the same thing with his father but he lives with his mother. 9he moved out New years eve 2 years ago from his Fathers house and you'll hear why...) Now, finding out after 2 years, that Mother has a boyfriend, he is very angry about it. (just like he was when he found out about me). He is a very hot-headed irresponsible, immature boy. He nearly killed his father New Years Eve 2 years ago by chocking him till he turned blue. His father told him he could have a party there, but only about 10 people, well when we returned home, it was more like 30 people and all drinking underage. I witnessed it and am still afraid of his son. My daughter is 9 and we go visit my boyfriend every other weekend at his place until now... I believe that my boyfriend is making an effort to have his son move back in with him or at least stay any time he feels he wants to. (which is usually because he is too drunk to drive or mad at Mom) I am very upset that he wont let his son grow his own wings and hit a few bumps in life and learn to grow up. If he continues to give him money all the time and tuck him under his wing, (which by the way, we have NEVER recieved an apology for his behavior) He will never learn to live on his own and be a productive person in society. He will have his own relationship problems because he can't deal with anything. He doesn't talk about anything, he just lashes out when he is upset. I am afraid that I will no longer bring my daughter to his home for fear that he may walk in the house at 3:00 in the morning, drunk and mad and cause a scene. My daughter doesn't have to witness that. So now I fear this will ultimately break us up. What do I do? Am I being selfish or do I have something here? My boyfriend says, "easy for you to say, you dont have a child his age." We usually argue about it.

Thanks for any advice or just a vote of confidence!

Then ytou respond with, "Maybe not, but when she does get that age, she will respect other adults.

Explain to him that you and your daughter will not be able to come to his house anymore because of the disrespect and that you do not want your daughter around that or to hear the arguments.

If he wants to continue the relationship, he will have to come visit you without his son at your place. If he loves you or has feelings for you, he will be more than happy to come see you.

If you are having arguments about his son now, it may only get worse until your bf grows some "grapefruits" and lays the law down to his son about respect.

I'm also new to this or any forum. I have looked on line before but couldn't find anything that helped me. I'm afraid with me it might be too late.

I married a man whom I love very much. We lived together a year before getting married, together for five. We've been married a year. I never got along with his children, two girls, aged 26 and 28. The girls insulted and tormented me throughout the entire relationship, but I loved their father and thought I could get along with anybody. Believe me, I tried...and tried...and tried. I have a daughter, aged 24 who lived with us for about 8 months when I moved into his home. His eldest daughter went on my daughter's myspace account, cursed her out, called her names, amd told her she had to move out. Then she started leaving hateful messages on the house phone. My daughter heard the messages and called me at work to tell me. By the time I got home it was erased (by my husband), but I saw the email that was sent to my daughter. Needless to say, my daughter and I were very upset. The girls never let an opportunity go that they didn't insult me in one form or fashion. Their father did absolutely nothing.

For background, their mother left their father and them when they were 6 and 8. I am not the first relationship they have ruined for their father. I can't count the times their father said they were "abandoned" so he felt he needed to make up for it. The eldest even got physical with his last girlfriend. I asked him if they would do that with me, he said he didn't think so but couldn't guarantee it.

My mother who lived in another state thought it might be a good idea for my daughter to move there which she did. I had never been separated from my only child (whom I am extremely close to) and I became very resentful. I begged my husband to talk to them but he always seemed frightened of them. If he said anything to them they blew up at him and he literally retreated.

Our house became their storage units. One day my husband got home and a new sofa was in our dining room (yes, they all have keys). We even have a whole room that is a shrine which I couldn't touch. If they wanted something in the house they took it. Their father lent his daughter the money to buy the sofa. Still haven't seen a penny of that money by the way. And it was a $7,000 sofa. I didn't even know they could be that expensive. They only buy the most expensive things. I never had any privacy, I was on tenterhooks waiting for them to come and start something. They took every opportunity to let me know it was THEIR house and not mine. My husband allowed it.

Long story short, one month after we got married, the youngest, a nurse living in California and engaged, decided she wanted to move home because of finances. She left a good job and her fiance to move back in with us.

The youngest got her father to co-sign for all her student loans to the tune of $80,000. When she moved to CA he bought her a car, a top of the line Honda. It's been repossessed twice with us bailing her out. She has defaulted on the loans which is why she wanted to come home (which I don't buy!) Her older sister got tired of fighting and wanted to pass the buck. This was a year ago and she still hasn't paid one penny toward the loans. She has since gotten another nursing job, keeps all her money to herself, lives rent free and her father is now in debt beyond his earlobes.

His children locked me in a bathroom for 3 hours (before I left) tag teaming me and told me how awful I was and their father should never have married me. All my husband said was he wasn't there so he didn't know who to believe. Apparently, we all told different stories. Hmmmmm??? I have left my husband.

I went to counseling by myself because my husband wouldn't go. Said he didn't have issues, the issues were all mine. I have never seen a more blind man in my life. I still love him and wish I had fought harder but it's not my nature. I gave up. I knew that no matter what I did it wouldn't be good enough and I would be fighting for my marriage the rest of my life.

They got what they wanted. Me out. Wish I had had this website months ago. Maybe it would have helped.

Hi Sidvis,
I had an almost identical situation when I moved in with my common law spouse 10 years ago. Two girls aged 12 and 16 and boy 19. Both daughters have moved in with us after they were adults (one is here now) on the premise of :going to school full time" and never did, neither has any or had any solid areer goals or ambition and consequently are continuously stuck in one dead end job after another. We almost broke up over the first one, and I am now in the ghastly situation of the whole scenario repeating itself with the younger one, who at 22 is very immature, totally lacking in responsibility, lives to party and defies all our rules about guests overnight, booze and drugs behind our back, etc. My husband is utterly incapable of setting boundaries that he will maintain, and is constantly comparing his daughter to my 14 year old as though the expectations for both of them should be the same. I am not saying don't marry him, but I urge you to set clear rules that you can be a united front on. If the children are living with mom, they will still visit, so you need to be prepared for that .. and the possibility of them eternally coming back to mooch off their dad and you could be very real. Would I marry again? Who knows? Life is a journey not a destination so I probably would. But has it been the hardest thing in our relationship? Without a doubt, along with his own dysfunctional and rejecting siblings. If we could make it to retirement and padlock our house from kids want to move in, it'd probably be OK. But alot of anger and resentment builds when he places the needs of adult children before your relationship. Kids are different, they must come first, but adult children need to grow up with their parent's love, understanding, and age-appropriate expectations.