I aplogize for the length of this post, but I believe it is necessary to address some of Alexandra's comments and suggestions to survivors of child sexual abuse.
I speak both as a survivor myself, and as a qualified counsellor with considerable experience in working with abused children.
And it is precisely this final point which raises sorrow within me. The inability that people truly suffer from, of being incapable of Letting Go. Completely.
Dear Alexandra, it depends on what you mean by 'letting go completely'. You cannot
'let go completely' of psychological damage. Ask any Psychiatrist who is worth their salt, and is experienced in treating survivors of child sexual abuse. You cannot get rid of the legacies of such abuse by simply willing yourself to. Acceptance is a more reasonable expectation. It is much more than just memories we are talking about here.
If the majority of 'me' is less than 6 weeks old, then what has happened to the "me" who experienced this suffering?
It would appear that most of me no longer exists, in any tangible form.
The place I exist chiefly, is in the workings of my own mind.
And in the mind is also the damage. The damage is also in the very soul of the person. There is physical damage to many of us, and that doesn't change every 6 weeks. There is emotional damage, and that can affect the way we feel and how we are able to function in life. There is psychological damage, which can affect how we think and how capable we are of functioning in the every-day things that others take for granted. It is not simple at all!
We cannot tangibly change the past. it's gone. The only place we can access it is within our memory.
This is not strictly correct. It is NOT 'gone' - it remains a part of us, and it is not just 'memory' - it is within our whole being. There are also 'body memories'. The 'whole person'. This is because years of sexual abuse leaves permanent scars. It is something which touches every aspect of us. It is not just a 'memory'. If you lose your legs in an accident, no amount of positive thinking is going to give them back to you, but you CAN learn to go into the future making the most of what you still have. So it is with survivors of child sexual abuse.
Trust me, i often shed tears for you...
But they are also tears of frustration, because really, the answers are so simple.
I'm sorry. The answers in a situation such as this are
never simple.
Willingness, willingness to really try to drop it all, and leave it aside.
I get so exasperated when people say this. It is so uninformed and without knowledge. You don't just 'drop' these legacies Alexandra. It doesn't work that way, unfortunately. If I asked my therapist to show me how to 'drop it and leave it aside', she would probably tell me that I was in denial and failing to face reality. These things have to be
worked through to be dealt with, and that means dealing with the grief, the anger, the sense of betrayal, and the damage that no amount of positive thinking is going to heal. It can take years of hard, heartbreaking work. So to say that we are "perpetuating the act by keeping it active as a negative memory" is ludicrous!
The fact is, that the sexual abuse of children has effects on the mind of the child which remain with them. There are what we call 'legacies' which are left behind, and which often follow them all their lives, especially if they are not fortunate enough to receive professional help at an early age. The damage done frequently leads to other psychological problems, and it doesn't stop when the abuse stops - it can and does reach far into the future of that child. The introduction of the child to sexual behaviour messes big time with their minds as well as their bodies. Everything is thrown out of balance and it affects everything they do, or experience in future years. It affects their ability to know acceptable boundaries because their boundaries were invaded before they were old enough to know what their boundaries were. Their ability to trust was affected by the fact that their abusers were probably people they trusted, and who had a duty of care to them, which was completely betrayed in the worst possible way.
Often their ability to make close friendships was affected because they are not able to relate, or to respond to others.
Often they are emotionally arrested, and do not experience the normal 'stepping stones' which are experienced in the formative years.
I could go on and on with examples, but I think it would be a waste of time. But
survivors will know
EXACTLY what I am talking about.
Why, oh why hold on to it? Why keep it as a sharp stick to keep poking yourself in the eye with it?
WE don't 'hold on to it' - it is a PART of us and we have to learn to live WITH it. To accept that it happened; to work through our grief and anger; to accept the legacies we have been left with and learn to make the best of what we have, and find peace within ourselves and the courage to move on - but NOT to think that we can just drop the whole history as if it is something which will 'go away' and we will be free of it forever!
Do you understand what I mean when I speak of 'triggers'? Do you understand that some memories only surface as a result of triggers? These then have to be dealt with from scratch. Things that you thought were dealt with can re-surface, and by no conscious action of the person concerned. There are many things which we 'blocked out' - and which appear even 20 or 30 years later, when something 'triggers' them.
Help me understand why you would willingly, voluntarily keep doing this to yourselves, long after the acts have gone!
No one will understand unless they have experienced the same types of abuse. And we DON'T 'willingly' or 'voluntarily' 'keep doing this to ourselves'!!!!!!! To even suggest that, is to insult, and is completely without knowledge or understanding. Do you honestly think we do this to ourselves? GEEZ!!!
I repeat again for the benefit of all those who are reading this thread who may happen to be survivors of child sexual abuse.
The way forward is to:
1) Find a GOOD therapist who has experience with survivors of CSA.
2) Talk about it, and as often as you need.
3) Express your anger in positive ways which do not hurt you or anyone else.
4) Realize that you will no doubt be experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that you need a wide, and reliable support system.
5) You will need to work through the grief process, AT YOUR OWN PACE, and in the way that is best suited to your needs.
6) You can help yourself a great deal by keeping a journal to write down your thoughts and feelings. I have also suggested art work to express how you feel. These are all PROVEN ways to help yourself to heal.
By doing these things you are able to 'get it out' and to reach a place where you are able to 'accept' - and move on with your life.
The ARE NO 'quick fixes' and people who have thought they have found a 'quick fix' sadly relapse later on, when something they haven't 'dealt with' and 'worked through' suddenly surfaces and throws them into a panic. I know. I've seen it happen.
My loving encouragement to all those who have been sexually abused. There IS light at the end of the tunnel, but it takes time, and a lot of hard work on your part, but it can happen for you. Trust yourselves. Love yourselves, and BELIEVE in yourselves.
Patience.
...i stopped writing on it when i realized how little i know. hahaha ...but i promise, i shall return to working on it now. Practice is helping me to become happier, and the good community here at Bella is helping me to become a little wiser. 