BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development What helps you to change?

Ah yes, I know what you mean. Patience has always been the emotional, sensitive one, and I the logical one. Together, we strike a balance.

I think the fear of flying is a bit like a fear of the water - swimming, and drowning and so on. We always had a dread of being 'ducked' in the sea - of having our face in water. We loved the ocean, but couldn't stand to put our face in the water, and especially 'under it' as swimmers do. Percy was the one who 'cured' us of this. We watched programmes on TV which showed snorkelling and scuba diving on reefs, and the beauty of it hooked us. We bought a book to guide us, and some snorkelling gear. From here, we went on to take scuba classes and became certified in scuba diving. (Oh, those holidays on the Great Barrier Reef were heaven!!!)
The fear of the sea and getting our face wet disappeared completely.

It is probably like the methods used to desensitize people with fears of spiders and things like that. A gradual introduction is the way to go. But this is not logic. It is an emotional approach.

We can be told 100 times a day that something is safe, and why, and that our fears are without logic, but until we experience that 'feeling' of being safe, it will remain a fear.

It depends on what the fears are, Holly. Some respond to desensitization, while others don't. As you said, having someone hold your hand helps, and that is because you know you are not alone, and someone cares, and together you share the strength. Very much an emotional thing. But it works!

We used to be afraid of trying something new, incase we failed, or made idiots of ourselves. I guess this is one big plus about being multiple. There is usually one part of your system who is game to give it a go, and who sort of 'pushes' you on. You have a 'family inside' who support you. Those who are afraid, or against it, are usually 'tackled' in our conference times, (like family meetings) and encouraged by others who are more confident. (the logical approach) We also have the great advantage of having parts that will 'come out' and 'take over' when someone panics - so we get through. Patience freaked out after a bad motor accident and was terrified to take the car on the road, so for a while, Percy took over the driving until Patience regained her confidence.

I often feel that we have been given unfair advantages over others who do not have a 'system' to fall back on, or to 'take the wheel' when things get tough. We are blessed!

Our greatest fear is a fear of the unknown. I think the spiritual people have the answer to this one. It is about trusting and having faith.

Are any of your fears ones which would respond to emotional appraoches? Such as having a trusted friend go with you, or be with you in these situations? Or perhaps approaching the thing you fear very gradually, just a little at a time, and then increasing it as you feel more comfortable?

Having someone to encourage you and support you is so important I think. Most of our fears stem from some experience which has been frightening for us. I think the gentle approach works best in these cases.

If you felt comfortable to share some of your fears with us here, I'm sure there are people who have had the same fears, and may have found things to help overcome them that you could try.

Oh, I just remembered. Years ago we used to walk our dogs in a park where there were children. Our dogs were very gentle and loved children, but there was one little girl who had been badly savaged by a dog, and she was afraid. She lived across the road from the park and used to stand watching as other children patted the dogs. Little by little, she edged closer over a period of several weeks. One day she came close enough for the oldest dog to sniff her hand. She sensed that the child was frightened, and did not push.

The happy ending is that that little girl reached a point where she would run to greet them and would play happily with them. Her mother came one day and thanked Patience, and said that she never thought she would see the day when her daughter would seek out the company of a dog - even to the point of wanting one of her own. It was such a beautiful thing to see. I call that healing through love.

So, again, it was a gradual, gentle introduction which dissolved her very valid fears.

Hope this may help some!

Ann.

Circumstances change us beyond our wildest imagination.
We may be very carefree and innocent. Something happens and we change forever.

Yes, Das, we do, but that change doesn't have to be a bad one. It IS a painful one, but it is like coming to a brick wall. If you can't go through it, you try to find a way over it, or around it. It means often, a 'detour' - but we can still get back on another path which can still lead to where we want to go. It just means taking a different route.

It will be different for each one of us, because our lives are all different, and we have different goals to aim for.

Perhaps we cannot change who we are, but we can decide what we are going to do with who we are.

Scars may remain forever, but we can hopefully carry on with, and in spite of those scars. Psychological damage may not be able to be changed and the legacies might remain (such as my DID/MPD) but we can adjust to the changes and make the very best of what we do have.

You might even discover new talents when the doors are closed on the dreams you once had. There is always another dream to pursue. We have deep regrets about how our life was sabotaged, but it was not the end of everything. When you are still young, you have so much going for you - you have time, and space, and you can have a greater variety of choices.

Follow that dream, my friend, believe in yourself, and take back your personal power.

With all my love, and good wishes for you on your new journey.

Ann.

Thank you patience/ann for your many good thoughts on this subject.

Yes, sometimes i find desensitizing to help... sometimes people call it "taking baby steps." It's a good tool. A great tool, actually. But i also find that though it improves many responses, it's success goes up and down depending on my overall sense of security on a given day. Some days i can do certain things i find challenging, other days i can't. The next day i might be able to do it again.

Hand holding doesn't usually do it for me. It just winds up being that if i'm able to do something when someone was there to support me or make me stick with it, somehow i feel the success was because of their presence and not any ability of mine and i think i need their presence and can't do it myself. So that doesn't really help me build confidence. The only exception to this i can think of is when i am sound asleep and having a nightmare. My ex husband and two former boyfriends told me that just touching or holding me when i was having a nightmare would immediately give me some measure of calm... but i wouldn't wake, so this was not a conscious reaction.

I know the focus of our thoughts greatly affects how we experience something and the meaning we give it, and ultimately affects our emotional response to something and our interpretation... both for good or bad and which of the two we choose. For example, i did not learn from my family how to celebrate success. In school, A's were expected and i have no memory of any of us (me and my brother and sister) getting any attention or praise for getting one. I do remember getting scolded for taking any pride in accomplishment. And something i only recently realized... i do not think either of our parents ever came to any of our many graduation ceremonies. Often we didn't even go to our OWN graduation ceremony, even when we were graduating with honors. Strange. And so my thoughts about accomplishments are very subdued, and even wary. So this is something i'm trying to learn and change... how to celebrate and share happiness at success with others who will be happy with me, and be better at sharing their successes with them. Surely that is more healthy.

So, for example, if we do accomplish confronting a fear one time... by taking a plane trip, swimming in the ocean, donating blood (that was one for me! ) ...i think that our thoughts about it are very, very, important. We can either think things like, "God, i'm glad that's over! Never again. I forgot how terrifying that was! I can't handle it. I'm just messed up and it will never be different." ...or we can think things like, "WOW! I DID IT! I actually DID it! I was scared, but look at me now!!! I conquered it!" Surely that's going to affect whether the action taken to desensitize works or not, don't you think?

Those thoughts! Thoughts are powerful, aren't they?

Yes! I agree totally!

I am so sorry your parents did not show pleasure at your achievements. That can be so demoralising. We all need a little praise, and at least, recognition of what we have achieved - no matter how small. I'm glad you received this validation from friends. Sometimes we have to simply be proud of oursleves, when others don't appreciate our efforts. We can walk tall, in spite of what others think.

It sounds to me as if you are making great progress, Holly. As we say in Australia, "Good on ya Matie!" Keep up the good work.

Take back your power, and be YOU! People who can't be happy for others in their successes are very small people.

Ann.

Thank you Ann. But i didn't really experience it as demoralizing then. I didn't notice my family was different in that way. If anything, i just felt lonely... okay... thinking it out now... maybe without realizing it, i adopted the belief then that what i did was not very important, so that would be a bit of the self-esteem history.

You asked earlier what some of my fears are. I mentioned them... not sure where. Anyway, the main fear is a little hard to describe... but it would be about success... or "shining"... getting noticed... accepting reward for anything i'm good at. It's not something i associate with safety, and i would like to change that belief so i'm not so self-limiting. The association makes me hesitate a lot and holds me back... i write constantly, have since i was 9, but i won't publish. I avoid doing art now because of the consequences last time. I didn't finish my education and i seek jobs way below my abilities and below the financial reward i should be seeking... stuff like that. Basically, i try to hide and not get noticed.

I AM happy for others in their successes... that is a lot easier than my own. But i'm not always familiar or comfortable with celebration rituals. It's not a big deal though... just something i'm working on.

Holly,

Most of us have these fears and our talent never shines because of that.

Dear Holly, I didn't mean to suggest that you are not happy for others, rather, I was referring to how your parents weren't happy for you.

The fear you mentioned, - could it be fear of rejection?

When you do something well, I understand how difficult it is to really believe that what you do is good. I think we make this change when we get encouragement from others. I don't know what to suggest, excpt to 'dive in' and tell yourself that if it isn't good enough for others,it is NOT a reflection on your ability. It is just that other person's opinion.

From what you say, I sense that you are a very talented person who needs to be 'discovered'! But for that to happen, we have to take chances.

Insecurity is a crippling thing. It prevents us from becoming who we really are. The only way I know of rising above this is to throw all caution to the winds and 'go for it'! After all, what do we stand to lose? And you might very well find that your work is regarded as being something very special.

I think another thing which holds us back is the old popular teaching that we must never be proud of ourselves, or have a high opinion of our talents. So we tend to hide, and not aim high, in case we are being presumptious; - In case we fail, and end up looking stupid. But that is as good as telling us that we don't have the talent to become successful - and it is a fallacy! If we have the ability within us, then we have the potential. The rest is up to us, to believe in ourselves and give ourselves that chance.

Is it too late now to finish your education? I don't know what it is like in your country, but over here we have adult classes where we can go on to higher qualifications.

I see you, and BELIEVE in you as a person with great possibilities. I sincerely hope you are able to find the success that is your right.

Ann.

I think that more than fear, it is the belief that-
I do not deserve big success.
I can not become big success.
that is for others.
I am an ordinary person.

"The man who does not think much of himself
Is far greater than he believes himself to be."