BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development What helps you to change?

To change- we must ask, Is change desirable? Is change a necessity? If yes, break out of the comfort zone and accept the change.

Yes, commitment is very important. What do you do, das, (or anyone), when you feel conflicted about changing or not? Like, say... you want to exercise more, but you don't like doing it. Or, you want to talk with an old friend but you're afraid they still will reject your efforts to renew friendship?

I have come across this many times in my life. Sometimes i failed miserably. Other times, I just gathered my strength and changed. I found that very easy.

That's very lucky. With some of the immediate decisions i find "not thinking" about negative aspects helps. Like if i don't want to exercise, i try not to think about not wanting to do it and to just keep moving so i don't talk myself out of doing it.

That is a fantastic idea. How to do that visiting the dentist?

HAHAHHAHAHAAHA!

I'd have trouble with that one, too!

But isn't it true in general, that dreading an event only makes the experience much worse?

I used the "not thinking about it" on myself yesterday to get myself to work on the back yard, which i had been procrastinating and it had become overgrown. The reality was much better than my fear of it, and i felt SO GOOD when i finished!

"A coward dies a thousand deaths, a hero only one."
~William Shakespeare

Yes. It is very true what you say.
But my problem is that I keep pondering about the event.

Yes, i know what you mean. I have that trouble, too. But I've come to look at my mind sort of like a muscle. When i find myself being melancholy or worried, i figure my muscle is weak and i need to exercise being more positive. Like getting our bodies in shape, to become happier, stronger and more positive doesn't happen by trying it once, not getting an immediate result, and saying we're done. I realize i have to practice being more positive and directing my thoughts to better things... day in, day out. And be patient, because it will take time and it won't always work each time i try it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work at all. And when i'm dreading something, i just try to do my best, and be kind to myself. Sometimes i still get depressed or think very negatively... that i'll always be alone or whatever... but so long as i keep trying to be more optimistic and enjoy life now, things have definitely been gradually getting better. This year i'm happier and stronger than last year. And that year more than the year before.

Going to the dentist may not always be pleasant, but after you go, you will be relieved it is over with, won't you? And also then your mouth can heal and feel better, and that will be nice!

I used to be TERRIFIED of needles. One time i passed out! So i started telling the nurses who needed to draw blood that i was scared, and i'd look the other way and ask them to keep talking about something unrelated... their kids, a joke, something in the news, whatever. And i would listen intently to what they were saying, and before i knew it was over! And i was so proud of myself when one day i donated blood. I'd always wanted to but was too scared of the needles. But they were set up in a shopping center one day and i didn't give myself time to think i just walked in, told her to keep talking, kept asking her questions... hahhahahah! It was funny. But it is a WONDERFUL feeling to get over a fear.... well, to conquer it, anyway.

What you just said here, Holly, about how you have conquered your fear about needles, applies just as well to your fear about sleep.

When something becomes an "issue," such as fear of the dentist or of needles or of a bad night's sleep, we focus on it more. We chew on it mentally and amplify its power. So the trick (tricking ourselves, that I mentioned earlier) is to not let it be an issue. And it sounds like you've already done this--you've stopped seeing it as an enormous, terrifying problem. Instead, rather than try to ignore it, look for backdoor ways to approach it and gain some ground on it, just the way you did with the needles. That was fantastic!! And look how well you did!!

So you've done it once, with one major fear in your life, and that tells me (and should tell you, too) that you can do it again.

Now, this whole aspect about nightmares makes me even more curious. There are a lot of reasons we avoid going to sleep. One of them is fear of bad dreams. Not only are we out of control when we sleep (most of us--I realize some people seem to be able to retain control even of their dreams)--which can be scary, but we don't know what to expect.

So that leads me to some more questions:

1. Do you fight going to sleep, or do you go to bed at a regular time every night regardless of how you feel? (If you've already answered this in an earlier post, forgive me for asking.)

2. Since the nightmares are about many things I was wondering if you've ever had yourself checked for allergies and had a good physical exam to rule out any cause that might be physical rather than psychological.

3. Do you possibly fear being out of control in sleep (at the mercy of your nightmares), or do you just fear the nightmares themselves?

4. Does this happen regardless of where you sleep or only in your own bed?

Barbara

I'm sorry, Barbara, but i don't see at all how i can apply the same technique for better sleep. The fear is happening DURING sleep, and i have no control over my thoughts while i am sleeping (except for lucid dreaming and auto suggestion techniques, which as i said, backfire HORRIBLY). By day I only think about it occassionally when i've been having a bad jag and the sleep deprivation and horror of it starts getting to me... that's when i might look to see if their are any new ideas to try. But most of the time i just try not to think about it and instead focus on the parts of my life i can do something about.

As i have earlier said, the sleep avoidance only happens sometimes when the nightmares are particularly bad (when i have "a little jag"...they might last 5 days, or a few weeks at worst), and i am not always conscious that i am procrastinating sleep, i'm just so tired and not very aware and the aggitation comes unconsciously. The insomnia itself does not particularly bother me, as it is only an occassional consequence of the nightmares. It's the nightmares i'd like to be rid of, because then the insomnia will be a moot point.

To answer your questions, 1) i do try to keep regular sleep hours, in fact i won't have any aggitating conversations or activities after 9 p.m. and try to "protect" the last hour only for relaxation and things i find pleasant... no television, no telephone, and the same routine in the last hour... bath, reading, warm milk, sometimes calming music or my journal. I don't always succeed, but that's what i try to do. Also, on nights when i wake from nightmares or can't sleep, i have resisted the temptation to call anyone after midnight, though i have had offers from friends and ex-boyfriends that i can call at any hour, but i don't want to encourage my keeping irregular sleep hours by being able to talk to friends in the middle of the night (or disturbing their sleep by it)... it would only keep me awake and stimulated anyway. It would be a comforting indulgence, but i think would not help me sleep better. For the same reason, i don't nap in the day when i've had a bad night, because i want to be tired at the appropriate time the next night. I've done far better than insomniacs i've known because i make these efforts. Some people i've known, you never know day to day if they'll be sleeping at 3 p.m. or 3 a.m., and i have refused to give in to that.

2. As i have said, the nightmares can be literally about anything, and not even the emotions are consistent: sometimes it's fear, sometimes it's repugnance, sometimes it's guilt or helplessness or tragedy or embarassment. Occassionally something will happen and then yes, there will be a very temporary and obvious theme... but largely, no... no pattern. I had a theory which i ran by a therapist once as to why this is the case, and she agreed. Unfortunately, it did not lend a clue as to how to fix it. I'd rather not describe it in detail right now because i'd have to give you so much background i'd tire your poor eyes! Anyway, on different occassions i have tried to interpret the dreams but it has been damaging and conversely trying to suppress the memory of them as best i can immediately upon waking has been helpful. I will stick with my current choice of trying not to remember them. It is the only way i make progress.

3. I don't fear being out of control in my nightmares or sleep. They are simply very painful and no one in their right mind would want to have them. I am used to them, as much as anyone can be used to them. I don't like them, but i can tolerate them most days because of suppressing the memory when i wake and trying immediately to distract myself with pleasant thoughts. The nightmares just hinder me in my being able to function better during the day (as opposed to a truly restful night's sleep which i only get rarely), and then when they are particularly bad, which happens from time to time, then, yes, never immediately but after a few days, then i start to hate going to sleep and sometimes stay up past bedtime, or will wind up waking after a few hours sleep unable or unwilling to try to sleep again.

I don't think i do see my nightmares as an enormous, terrifying problem. But they are, clearly, a hindrance, and unpleasant to say the least, and i get frustrated when i have to drag myself through part of the day because of the sleep i had the previous night or the times when i just don't feel "up to" doing what i had planned to do that day, before i knew what kind of night's sleep i'd have. It's hard to be happy or get ahead in life this way.

Please let me know if you see a specific way i might apply what i have done before while awake to deal with fear. I really don't see how i can apply it to this.

Thank you also, for your time and comments... and now, i should get to bed. Thanks again.