BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence How do you move on?

Thanks for your words. It's easier to see the truth in another persons story than your own, though. But I work hard to take these things to heart and learn from them. In fact I thought about what you told me in your last post all night, and I realized that you are very right.

My ex knows that the one thing he can do to hurt me the most after I kicked him out, this time and last, and even before that I think, is to go straight to his ex-gf. It's like a knife twisted in my heart, that he can go straight to her after leaving me, but I can't just forget him that easily. But seeing it as a control tactic puts a whole different spin on it. And why should he think it won't work this time, it did last time. Oh how I hated this woman. But you know what changed between last time and this time? This time I've met her and talked to her, and found that I can't hate her. And this time I am determined to stand strong and when that doesn't work out (how can it? He hasn't changed) I still won't be there.

That's when my danger increases, I know it. Right now I am safe because he's with her, but when she leaves...well, I will have to be careful.

Dez

As you've met her, and can't hate her - which by the way, is brilliant of you - then consider her position in your place in his affections... and pity her because in time, she may become you.
She may also taste the bitter fruit of who and what he really is.
And that would be a shame, if she turned from girlfriend to victim number whatever, don't you think?

I want to clarify I was not "man bashing" in any manner. I wish that stereotypical ideology had never been brought into this. A key to successfully leaving an abuser is to seperate the fantasy (what you hoped for and thought it was) from the reality (an abusive destructive relationship). In this case and most cases known of, it happens to be a man. Any negative reference made towards the male species is specific towards abusers and not men in general. To think of the loving husband and father you used to believe he was can only undermine you. While this is new to you, it's not to him. The whole time he has had other reasons for everything he has done-gaining power and control over you. Mourn and grieve for the death of your dream as you would for a person close to you if they died and lay it to rest. Your dreams deserve that respect and it will help give it closure. Meanwhile, you need to consciously keep the dream and reality seperated. It will give you much strenghth. The man lost a huge amount of power and control the moment you realized this. He knows it and will manipulate it anyway he can. You've got the upperhand, use it to win. While he's still the same person, you on the other hand are not. You're developing new strengths and power never known to him before which is going to make him desperate to get the old you back. Smash him like a cockroach! Not seperating the two is a major reason many fail in their attempts to leave. This is true for an abused man attempting to leave an abusive woman and in same sex relationships. I didn't think I had to be politically correct since I was referring to this specific case, but if that's what it takes....no problem.

I knew what you meant and I didn't mean for it to turn that way either. I have received emails from people saying that the forum seems to be man bashing place. It never intends to go that way and I am sorry if people perceive it to be that way. But as you stated nadaurz, the majority of abusers of abusers in America are male. There are statistcs to back this up. The only reason why it may "seem" to be a male bashing environment is because the majority of our friends here are female. I love it when men post especially who have been there with us survivors and victims of abuse.

Alexandra - Yes, it would and is a shame. She will be a victim, but she is walking into it knowing what he is. She's actually known him longer, the difference between her and I mainly is that I put up with him for longer stretches of time...years...while she only lasts months. Don't ask why she took him back - she knows he battered me. I mentioned this to her and she said, "he has his demons and I have mine." You can only say so much.

Nadaurz and Jeanette - It's unfortunate that it got taken that way. I assumed this was a womams forums, after all it says "The voice of women" there at the top, so it stands to reason, to me anyway, that the majority of posters would be women. And it is a statistical fact that most abusers are men. As Lundy Bancroft notes in his book, admitting abuse is terribly embarrasing for women and men, and a large number of abuse cases are actually uncovered by neighbors calling the police rather than the victim. If there were an equal number of male victims, they would be uncovered then.

Dez