BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Need to vent

Thank you Fiddle--you are 100% right on. It is impossible for me to fake it.

Andrea, I believe you may have missed the point of my post. My neighbors are my friends and prior to her being pregnant she knew that I was not a fan of babies. My guess is she did not want me to feel left out but wanted to give me an out, in case I wanted one. I did not know how to respond because she knows how I feel! Had I tried to "fake it" she surely would have known...

I am not sure who felt they were hurting me with their joy. I was feeling frustrated because seeing photos of family members all happy about a baby made me wish that I could somehow want to procreate and be able to form some magical bond with my family that I have never had by doing so. Not a great reason to have a kid!

And I am not running around telling people that I don't feel enthusiastic about their newborn. I send congratulations cards and gifts.

I tried pretending to be something other than my true self for a brief time in college. I absolutely did not feel better about myself. In fact it was likely the most lonely time of my life.

And I like myself just fine. I actually think I am a unique, interesting and cool person.

Frieda, you have nailed it! I am perceived as pushing people away-and there is definately a hint of "what, our way of life is not good enough for you?" vibe.

bassgrrl, congratulations on your painting show invitation! I am glad to hear that it was acknowledged by your family and that there is indeed hope that mine might "grow up".

We had a similar situation come up with a friend recently. They had never spoken about kids either and then...wham, they were having one. We had been out of touch and i contacted him after awhile to say hello and got the news. I am not sure if they avoided us because they thought that we would not approve? Or embarassed for changing their minds?

Chaco-

I have been offline for a few weeks and will share why with my own new post shortly....but I just wanted to say that I know EXACTLY how you feel. It is a pang of regret over some perceived loss of connection with others that creeps in....I also have never felt like I really fit in b/c of my lack of procreation. But you most certainly cannot "fake it" as AndreaB suggests. That is not healthy...that is how people end up with kids they resent. AndreaB sounds like she is on some sort of parental moral high horse....typical.

I also don't enjoy baby showers. I send a gift and a card...I've been to a few...but they generally make me nauseous and I feel as though I'm pasting on a fake smile. I'm a deep ecologist though, so I am really not thrilled when I hear somebody is bringing yet another person into the already overtaxed world. And I'm doubly sickened when they give the excuse that adoption is no option b/c it wouldn't be "theirs". Hello vanity.

It is difficult to swim against the current of mindless procreation, but creating a life just to fit in is really a bad idea....but I bet it happens all the time. So, buck up...you are not alone. Vent anytime you need to.

Best Wishes,
Pmo

I am happy for my friends that have babies because I know they really wanted to be moms. I am usually the first to send a card and a gift. Some of us are not wired to want to be moms for a variety of reasons but we don't try to force our views on others. I can't really say that I am being pushed away as much as I don't really try to bother them once they become mommies because they have other things going on now. Now, I know that means we will eventually lose contact but I think that is just a part of life. I certainly hope they don't think we have lost contact because I am jealous or unhappy for them. I am just trying to be respectful of this new phase in their life.

I understand about wanting to fit in, and feeling bad when you can't share in something that everyone else in your family shares. Just hang in there. :-)

My parents' siblings all had one or zero kids. My parents had only 2. The family line is dying on both sides. My brother is the only male on either side for our generation. The pressure is on... Fortunately for me, in the long run, my brother will get the brunt of it.

It's just me and my sister on my dad's side, and my mom only has two sisters. Her family name is gone and my dad's family name is gone, and it's very rare. Kind of sad ... just one more reason I didn't want to change my maiden name.

The same thing happened to my MIL. They were the last ones with the family name, so they gave it to my BIL as his middle name. Pretty cool idea, I think.

Oh Chaco, I know EXACTLY how you feel- my first post on this forum was due to the very same thing. DH's Brother and his wife had had their first child (first grandchild for the in-laws) and I got frustrated that I couldn't want a baby like everyone else and I just couldn't go all 'goo-goo' over the new arrival. It doesn't make much sense when you talk about it to other people but on here nearly all of us know how you feel.

We went to visit the baby last weekend and I found it really hard to fake the "awwww"s but I knew I HAD to do it for the sake of the rest of the family. I saw the smiling happy photos of everyone holidng the baby too and felt this pang of jealousy- but to be brutually honest when I went to visit I saw that it was meerly a snapshot- the 'kodak moment'. The reality was that Mom looked stressed, tired and bored and she admitted to me that she has been getting teary most days (sounds like PND to me). All is not always as it seems in the photos.

As for babies bringing families together, they can also cause rifts that weren't there before. My sister-in-law has pulled out of being a bridesmaid for my other sister-in-law since the birth, which has obviously caused a bit of ill-feeling. And also my in-laws are making remarks already that they'll never get to see the baby as its always with its other grandparents! not exactly the smiling family portrait that it appeared to be!

If there is already trouble in a marriage...having a baby is NOT the thing to do. Where did that myth come from? Fix the marriage first and then think of a baby. The baby will only serve as a distraction but the problems with still be there. The parents just wont be focused on them but they eventually will rear their ugly head again.