BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Feeling guilty

Same happened with me.

I am in therapy n on meds, my shrink says each time i log on here, n talk about my situations is a way of helping myself, even if i can let go of things at least im able to talk about them, n talking is a good thing. she also said not to let any one take that away fr me .some people can't talk about there problems. by my talking is a way of dealing with things. I am 59 yrs old n my problems r part of me, thank you to those who aloud me to keep on talking about my ordeals, n not trying to tell me to move on ,let it go, my mental illness plays a big roll in why i can't. by being here talking is a way of dealing, even if i'm still talking about it 30yrs fr now. let me have that inner peace of alouding myself to be able to speak freely n often of my abuse n other problems. it is called healing

You are most welcome to talk all you want. Vent it out as much as possible.

Sky, you miss my point.
of course you should talk about it, of course you should vent, and of course you should be allowed to express yourself freely and to say what's in your heart.
The point I am making is that whilst you do all this, you should also be seeking ways to shed the load, leavie it behind, unburden yourself permanently...
Why would you WANT to keep carrying it for another 30 years?

I can't see the releasing inner peace you mention. All I can see is constant cyclical torment. And that's what I would dearly love to see you break free from. Because I think you deserve it and owe it to yourself to spin out of the orbital trajectory you have of expression - pain - ordeal - expression - pain - ordeal - ....

This isn't healing.
It's perpetuating.

That is what makes my heart cry out for you, with more compassion than you'll ever believe possible.

I would be the last to stop you expressing yourself and letting it all out.
The sad thing I see happening, is that it's not a permanent thing for you, and it makes me so sad.

Talking can be used as a tool in your recovery, but it's can also be a tool in your demise-positive reinforcement vs. negative reinforcement. Sky, I'm afraid you could be reinforcing the things that keep you trapped in your world of pain. If in 30 years you are still talking about this as you are now, you will not have healed. You will be 30 years into a life sentence of misery and will have convinced yourself you deserve it. I don't hear you talking about the abuse or the damage it has done. What I hear is you setting yourself up to fail and being able to accept it when you do.
In your first post you stated, "I know I'll have setbacks though, because I have had plenty of them in the past, sometimes more than my share." I know what you are meaning, I think. You mean you know it won't be easy and will face many obstacles, but don't decide your future by your past. You're leaving the past behind, not repeating it as you have before. You are entering a new, unchartered area. Don't look to past experience for guidance unless you're looking to see how not to do it. The last part of that statement tells me you still believe you deserved some of the abuse. If I'm guessing right, it was your original abuser who taught you what you deserve or your share as you put it. They do that to control you. You begin to believe it to survive. From today on, I want you to say "I'm a good person and deserve good things in my life and I will never settle for less" every time a negative thought about your self- worth even enters your head. You may have to say it a million times a day to begin with, but if you keep saying it and cutting off the other, you will begin to believe even if you don't right now. You weren't born feeling this. You were taught to feel this. Since you're moving forward, you're gonna have to be re-taught. You teach people how to treat you by the value you put on yourself. Nobody deserves to be abused!

Yes, this was my dilemma, too. There IS value in talking, but when does it become focusing on it too much and enlarging it to the point where it consumes you? And when is a person talking too little, burying something inside to fester and be secret?

I don't have an answer for these questions, because I think we each have to decide for ourselves when we are in need of talking about it, and when we are ready to begin life again. And it flows back and forth a bit.

When i was starting to recover from what i went through... i found a forum of other survivors. They were all wonderful and so supportive and it was quite comforting to be able to talk and talk and talk and have others who actually understood what you'd been through! And sort of like being a young child in your mother's arms you'd get a sort of emotional protection and lots of sympathy, along with encouragement that you didn't have to push yourself out of the warm and protective haven. Certainly it felt great to feel validated and feel like you didn't have to do anything scary.

But as months went by, i started to wonder... why don't i see anyone actually get better here?

People would occassionally disappear from that forum, but they didn't get better first. And i kept wondering why is that???? why????? ...because i wanted to know what was the next step for ME... to get BETTER... not just be comforted and validated every time i complained, but to ACTUALLY HEAL. I didn't want to just circle around and around like i saw everyone else do! So I got very curious about what happened to the people who disappeared... did they heal? What were they doing instead of talking about stuff? And then one day it hit me!.....

You can't get well and become happy doing the things that the suffering, unhappy, people do. You can only become happy by doing the kinds of things happy people do.

And happy, healed people simply don't spend most of their time dwelling on the ugly past or talking about it at every opportunity and thinking about it constantly and using it every time they can offer it as an excuse as to why they aren't doing something like applying for new work or having fun or doing something they now find scary or trusting people. Happy people don't even spend most of their time in "healing" pursuits like survivor forums and therapy and support groups. Instead, they are at their kid's ball game, or going for walks in nature, or taking a knitting class or planting tomatoes or taking up yoga or applying for a new job or going to night school for a degree or talking about something relatively unimportant with their friends or making a new friend whom they DON'T even tell their tragedy to, or whatever else makes up happy lives!

And that's why i didn't see people get better at that forum, not because there was any problem with that community, and not because people talking isn't helpful. It's just that at some point each person in their healing path... if they REALLY ARE GOING TO HEAL... they quit cycling through the past and abandon talking about their tragedy again. It's not that you're exactly done talking about it when you quit, because you can always find more... any one of us could fill our whole lives and then some trying to resolve our past hurts! But it really is... that one day... every healing person just abandons the pain for something else. Something more worth their attention. Maybe they got distracted by something more fun.

The irony is, the phrase survivors detest... "get over it"... is actually valuable and kind advice, we just aren't always ready to hear it and don't understand it at the time. What is meant is: begin replacing your thoughts about the abuse you experienced with thoughts about more pleasant things and enjoyable or productive activity. I had a friend put it this way, "don't dwell on it." I've thought about that so many times! I still say it to myself when i find myself getting stuck in the mucky-muck of sadness.

Anyway, that's just my thoughts on it... you may not agree, you certainly don't have to. I think each person has to find their own path, and no one is going to know but you when it's right to shout from the hilltops, when you need to find understanding or advice, when you need to be angry, and when you are ready and need to start focusing on other, more pleasant things and today and the future.

What i would suggest is... talk about it whenever you feel like it for as long as it feels right for you, but just keep in the back of your mind that you actually want to have your life back one day where your time is not filled with thoughts of what you have endured or how you feel changed by it, and is instead filled with joy, confidence, loving relationships, thoughts of whatever is important to you... your family, a job you enjoy, hobbies, and all the good things of life!

Talking can be a very good therapy. One drains oneself of all the negatives.

Das, you are quite right, but talking doesn't drain anyone of any negatives. it expresses them, it reveals them, it exposes them, but it does not drain or eliminate them.
The sadness i feel here is that I perceive Skyhaven is talking herself round and round in circles, rather than taking a striaght and progressive path upwards and outwards... And far be it from me to criticise those whose life vocation is to support and help others, if her therapist (or 'Shrink' as Skyhaven calls her) has not been able to access or stimulate a trigger point from which Rosie (as she signs herself) can depart, then I fear that in this case her therapist may not be the right one for her. and I say that with the deepest and kindest respect.

The thing to really understand here is that talking is a wonderful way, at times, of not acting.
We've all heard the phrase, 'walking the talk', or 'actions speak louder than words', or even, don't "say", "do".
Rosie, believe it or not, nobody here is criticising you or judging you. What we all in fact want for you, more than anything else, is for you to be able to move about freely without the burden of everything you are carrying.

Suffering begins to dissolve when we finally question our belief or hope that there's anywhere left to hide.

The subconscious mind gathers and stores more information than our conscious can even begin to digest, yet many of our beliefs and actions can be controlled by it. Skyhaven (I feel really "funny" talking about her like this) is stuck in a cycle of dysfunction. By talking in such a negative way, she is reinforcing her percieved worthlessness. Talking is meant to get the feelings out onto the table where you can identify destructive patterns and change them to positive behaviors. Her negative feelings are a habit which means she does them naturallly without thinking-subconsciously. They can only be changed by consciously making them stop and replacing them with positive reinforcement. With time, the positive beliefs become a habit. Alexandra, I salute you!!! You stepped up and called it. Now it's out there and atleast there's a chance for change. I agree with you about questioning her "shrink". Shouldn't the "shrink" have been the one to identify and redirect the this negative, destructive behavior instead of re inforcing it? You get the star for today!

I have to say, I have done a lot of reading and talking in the last 2 months, and though it is healing, I know I want a normal relationship and life after this one. So in my reading I chose this time a book called "Love Will Find You" by Kathryn Alice, which though a lot sappier than I usually like, actually has some very good tools and advise on the all important letting go. I sure need to do that. Understanding for me is the first step in healing, but letting go is nearly more important, I think.

Dez