BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Very Annoyed

Amen to both of these excellent points. I'm buying that book!

Elsie you make some really good points there which brings me to a question.

Does anyone on here think that the childfree issue is taboo? I feel so left out because of the way I feel regarding children and have had alot of weird comments being called anything from selfish to childhater. I dont think I am either of these things but when people find out I am childfree it seems to change their whole perception of me.

I just wish I personally knew a couple of other childfree women who were more like minded.I have lost my best friend when she had her kids.She turnes into a zombie and the kids seem to have zapped her of any personality she once had.

These are all excellent points. I am in the process of reading Baby Boon. I bought every book I could find on being CF before I found this board. I'm SO glad I found this board.

I agree that we shouldn't be supporting the large families of the rich. But it also annoys me when people are dirt poor, and keep reproducing. We need to preach BIRTH CONTROL BIRTH CONTROL BIRTH CONTROL. But, once the children are already here, we need to take care of them. They shouldn't starve b/c their parents didn't think it through.

I think it would be hard to organize, too. But it was a lot worse for women suffragists. At least we won't be jailed, thank God. It's so weird, it's like we aren't allowed to talk about it. Every single person I know eventually accepts their fate and has kids.

To your other point, I agree. People can be as happy as they want about having children, but we aren't allowed to be happy about being CF. I've seen my childed friends do the math at different points, and resent me b/c they are going through this or that at the time. But they chose it.

I knew I would have to go through what they are going through, and said no. And I know this makes them crazy.

"After all, people don't mind if you don't have children...as long as you're miserable about it."

I've noticed this as well. People get [censored] if they know you're enjoying yourself.

I agree that CF is somewhat taboo. I don't say much (or anything) about it around people who I don't know well or who I suspect won't be able to accept it.

Hope,

I can completely sympathize with you! I think this is some of the bad blood between women originates. It's like you know someone for years, and they just drop off the face of the earth b/c they had kids. Of course we resent their kids on some level. I mean, we might really like their kids, but we miss the friendship. And that's very human.

I have also struggled with this. I finally have two friends that are CF, one by choice, and the other b/c she is single and career minded.

It IS hard to find people that understand where we are coming from. I tend to not talk about it too much because I know that people don't really understand the CF lifestyle yet. And they feel like we are judging their lifestyle b/c they have kids, and we don't want them.

I had dinner with a friend and her nanny about a year ago. I think my friend put the nanny up to the personal questions. She asked me about getting married, and having kids. I told her I did change my mind about marriage, and my friend looked relieved. And then the nanny asked if I would have babies (which was weird b/c it was the first time I met her!) I said no.

My friend looked upset, angry or something. And I don't know if it's that bc she feels like I'm down on her choice, or that she wants me to go through what she's gone through. Not sure. But it was uncomfortable.

This friend is getting divorced now. She has two kids, and there's a part of me that wants to say I told you so, because she let her career go. But then I realized that it's coming from a place of hurt. I judge her mostly b/c I feel like she abandoned me when she got married and had kids.

BTW, I encouraged her to really think about having kids. I'm sure I was the only person in her life that did this. She has anxiety, and I didn't think having kids would be good for someone that has anxiety.

Anyway, I'm still there for her, but the situation annoys me.

I hope you can find someone that can relate to you. My one friend that is CFBC is a great sounding board. She doesn't feel the need to talk about it as much as I do, though. But she can relate.

I read somewhere that CFs should be honest about why they don't have kids. Because if no one talks about it, then it can never be out in the open.

The same used to be true of rape. It continued to be a huge problem when women didn't talk about it. It's still a problem, but the stigma has been lessened and there's less blame the victim mentality now.

That might seem like an odd comparison. But when we can't speak out, we lose out somehow. Women thought they were alone, and then they started talking, and realized it was happening to other women.

The same thing with being CF, I have talked to at least one other person that views childbearing/rearing the same way I do. And this has done so much for my emotional health! I knew it was right for me, but I feel so much better knowing I am not alone...

Hi Happy

It is nice to know that you understand where I am comming from and I am glad you have someone you can talk to because like you said it is good for your emotional health.

Although my DH understands I dont have anyone else I can talk to about it.I feel so different to other women my age.

They go all ga ga over babies and I just dont undersatnd where they are comming from. My own mother in law is disgusted in me because I cant/wont give her the grandchild she so desparatley craves.For this reason my inlaws do not like me and it hurts but the thing is I married their son not them so they will have to get over it.

I wish I felt differentley so I could fit in but I dont and besides I would not have all this wonderful freedom I have now.Having a child to me is "ruining your life" Children to me are a burden and they bore me. DOes this make me seem like a nasty person?

I am the "black sheep" of the family and these days I dont get much of a look in.Its all about the children of my siblings and how they are and what they are doing.

I am a very keen bowler and I was telling my mum how great I was doing and and she just looked at me blankley as if to say yea whatever and then launched into a discussion about my brothers impending fatherhood and how she could not believe he was finally beccoming a father at 41. I just feel that my life to her has no meaning simply because I dont have kids. Pisses me off so much.

I hear ya on this one. My sister has kids, and yes, they're adorable, but I can definitely tell that my life is a lot less interesting to my parents now than hers just because my nieces exist. This is shown in a lot of subtle ways and it used to bug the heck out of me. But one thing I realized is that basically it has a lot to do with the fact that my sister's life now parallels my mother's 20-30 years ago, so it's an extra thing they have in common. It bothers me a lot less now.

No, you are an honest person. I agree with you completely. Your life is over when theirs begins. I have looked at it this way for many years.

I think they are boring, too. I have a friend that's a nurse, and it totally makes sense that she would have kids b/c nursing is close to what mothers do. Bathe people, help them get dressed, and help them eat their dinner. It fits her personality, but it doesn't fit mine.

It's interesting, because when you are talking about bowling, you are talking about something you personally are doing. But when they talk about the grandkids, it's about what the kids are doing. You are doing something you enjoy, and not living vicariously through someone else. How can this be a bad thing?

I think the people that are so obsessed with talking about children are somewhat boring. There's a whole world out there. And you would miss out on most of it if you had kids.

Most people I know that have kids don't have much of a social or hobby life. They get babysitters occasionally, but they can't get out that often. And it's frustrating to try to make plans with them.

Do they have a CF org near you, where you might be able to meet some other CF folks? I haven't done that yet, but I think I would if I didn't have at least one friend that was CF.

It's hard to be in the minority. I think I said this in another thread. I have a word document on my computer at home with a list of reasons why I don't want children. I've had it for years, to remind myself of why I don't want one. In case peer pressure became really great, or my hormones tried to take over.

This helped me a lot.

I wonder if there are any women's organizations in your area? That would probably also be a nice place to meet people that aren't locked in the traditional mindset.

What would your MIL do if you were sterile and physically COULDN'T give her the grandchild she craves? Would she still blame you for her lack of grandchildren? Not that it's ANY OF HER BUSINESS either way! She needs to get over it and get a life that doesn't depend on others for her happiness! Her son is a grownup and if he is happy being married to you, that should be enough for them and they should be happy for him!

Cindy

Sometimes I think I am to honest.I have been told that I can be blunt but thats just the way I am . I am so glad that there are other people out there that feel the same.

I dont think there are any childfree groups in my area but I am considering starting up a yahoo group of my own to seek out like minded people near me.

I come from Australia so I am pretty far from you guys but I am sure there must be other women in my state who are cf by choice.

My Mother in law would start hastling me to adopt if I told her I was not able to have kids and has mentioned it as an option if I did not want any of my own. I dont know what made her think I would want to adopt one if I didint want one of my own.

Happy yes I find people that talk about children alot very boring indeed.I find myself tuning out when this happens.