BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage when the wife works and the husband doesn't...

It is too bad that there are children who will be hurt. Although their father is not much of a role model, so it is likely they are already being hurt by the situation. (I was lucky in that my ex and I didn't have any kids, so no one else was hurt and I never have to see him again.) Is she afraid her husband would get custody of the children and she'd have to pay alimony/child support? I'm not a lawyer, but I think that is a valid concern.

I'm an August baby and have always enjoyed the relaxed pace of summer.

Lala,

Caring for a home can be a full time job if one partner takes on managing the home and caring for kids. Then there are additional things that can take even more time like cooking from scratch, gardening and many in my area have their own animals to care for (cows, goats, chicken, ect).

Or there is even participation in the community or volunteer work.

In light of the fact that the man doesn't seem to be contributing anything...I can't see how this marriage will continue on. I certainly have no idea how happiness could be achieved.

But she will have to make the decision for change.

Some women find the idea of change more frightening than being in an unworkable marriage.

Funny you should mention alimony. I think her husband is the kind who would ask for custody and child support!

yes... I agree with you...

I said that if the husband just didn't want to work without a valid reason I would consider that laziness. And I said that I think husbands and wives should both work full time except in situations where there's parenting (stay at home moms or dads), disability, going to school ETC. (the 'etc' includes taking care of a home and other stuff)

But if he just didn't want to work AND wasn't doing anything else to contribute that's not fair. That was my point when I said "without a valid reason"

That's just my opinion though. Everyone's marriage is different, and everyone lives their lives differently, I just wouldn't be okay with that in my marriage and neither would my husband. But when we have children I will be taking on the role of staying at home and taking care of the home, children, cooking etc, and I won't be working, (at least not full time) for a few years anyways.

This situation sounds a lot like the situation with my ex-husband and I. I really value the non-financial benefits of having someone at home - a garden, not having to worry about the kids after school, meals from scratch, someone with time to go bargain shopping, etc. I work in a well-paying field and hate housework, so it made a lot of sense for him to stay home and work on his home-based business and fixing up the house. He actually ended up doing little to nothing. In hindsite, what it came down to is that he was having a resurgence of PTSD (he was a Vietnam Veteran.) Because I worked enough to keep a roof over our head and food on the table and his kids clothed (his bio-kids lived w/ us full-time), he didn't have to deal with the problems that were keeping him at home and he continued to get worse.

When he finally admitted he had a problem and went to the Vet Center, part of his treatment plan was to either get a part-time job or a volunteer job that required him to show up and contribute somewhere at a set time several days a week. He didn't do it (and pretty much didn't go to counseling - ie 4 times in 6 months when ideal is 4-6 times a month.) When I kicked him out, he had no choice but to get a job. Within a few months he started being much more present as a parent to his daughters. Although he's very angry at me and we don't keep in close touch, from what I see, he's continuing to do better and forcing him out on his own is probably the best thing I could have done for him.

One of my friends put it really well, he said "He doesn't produce." I think that's the issue. I've had some times in my life where I couldn't work full-time because of my health, but I've always tried to do what I could. There is a lot you can do for the household without holding down a job. Even people who are disabled or ill but mentally healthy want to contribute to the ability that they are able. If someone is just a drain on the household, that is a sign of a problem. (Note, sometimes people need to take a break so they can get some education or be refreshed in some way to work more later - in those cases, there is a plan and it is being followed.)

At any rate, I'd say it's a sign of depression or some other problem and if the person isn't willing to get help, their partner should leave. The test I used, was asking if I was setting an example I'd want my daughters to follow. I wasn't, so I started doing so.

Julie

Thank you for clarifying, Lala.

"If someone is just a drain on the household, that is a sign of a problem."

I agree, Julie. One of the things that is important to me is that I am better off and my family is better off with my being at home.

That is definitely a difficult place to be in. I lived it myself for several years and it basically destroyed the marriage and truly hurt the children. I finally left and raised the children myself while working. It wasn't easy, but peace and stability came back to the home.

I wish you the best!

Sandy

Brandy - You said it so well! I think that a family (even a family of two) can easily be better off with only one person working for wages, and it doesn't matter what gender that person is, what matters is that the adults in the family are working for the good of the family.

Julie