BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie- feel so inadequate

I'm not trying to tell anyone what to do, but I do think it's strange that parents post on here. I always have.

There seem to be a couple of different modes for parents posting here.

1) "You CF folks are just fine; it's a reasonable decision".
2) "I was just like you once, but then the scales fell from my eyes and I can't imagine my life without my child"
3) "Wow, you guys are too hard on us parents. It's really not that terrible"

Regarding #3, I do admit that we tend to talk a lot about horror stories out there, as opposed to the mundane day-to-day realities of parenting, and even the Kodak moments. However, because nobody else seems to talk about the downside, it's nice to counter the "laughing baby bathed in golden light" ads.

On #2, you were not "just like us". We are not proto-parents whose development just got stunted at some point along the way (at least those of us who've made a firm decision to be CF, or who were literally always CF, from our earliest thoughts on the issue as kids). It's literally a different mindset, a different way of looking at life, a different set of priorities. You've gone down a road from which there is no return. We've taken a different road --- and just because it's technically possible for some of us to become pregnant, most of us wouldn't dream of it. (Of course, fence-sitters have a more difficult path. I'm so glad we're here to counter the overall "life is parenting" culture, particularly for the fence-sitters).

#1 is the most difficult to fault. It's hard to say to a friendly visitor "Thanks, but we're really not looking for your approval". I still get that unsettled feeling that we're in a fishbowl when any parent posts --- because you know that for any who post, there are a ton more out there just lurking. But hey --- it's an open forum, and if we're really that entertaining, more power to the lurkers, I guess!

My feeling is parents who post here are borderline (or overtly, in some cases) trolling. A similar behavior would be going to a gay board and posting about heterosexuality and its accompanying joys.

Even when they truly mean well, I have a hard time understanding the appeal. I've never even been to a mommy board and have no desire or intention to (except I might have to check out the 'confessions' one out of morbid curiosity -- hee!).

Although I don't want to run anyone off, I will likely go with the 'starve the troll' plan of inaction.

honestly I aggree with Ali and I dont see why she should not post here. The reason I cant see why she shouldnt post is there are a lot of undecided people on this board and it seemed like the OP of this topic is undecided or at least very conflicted about having kids/not having kids. She might not want them but she is not comfortbale with not wanting them. i dont see why a mother perspective could not be valuable just as a childfree person's persective can be valuable. If the mother was telling everyone to run out and get pregnant then that owuld be different but she is not. I dont want to offend anyone by saying this but I think that childfree people can get deffensive and its not a good thing, Ive seen it on lots of boards. If you are comfortbale in your decision to have kids you should be able to listen to people who think having kids is a good idea and not get too defensive or upset I understand the pressure of having people ask you constantly if you wnat kids, it happens to me. Sometimes I get annoyed but only at the obnoxious people who sya "you must have kids" not at people who say that motherhood has its rewards. I also dont really see how the issue of post partum depression relates to the issue of not having kids. Many people who desperately want kid suffer from post partum depression its a psychiatric disorder and has nothing to do with the desire to have kids, in my opinion. I like the article that was posted becuase it was honest about the difficulties of motherhood and I do think motherhood has become more difficult in our society as women are expected to accomplish everything work, family, smart kid, perfect marriage and home, be thin and beautiful, etc. However, note that the author of hte article describe the harsh realiteis of motherhood she didnt say she regretted it. I am almost 100% confident in my decision not to have kids and hte only reason and the only reason I need is I just dont want them now, if I change my mind Ill have them. I think that is the only reason anyone needs I dont think we need to bring in additional things like post partum depression. I hope this posting doesnt offend anyone buts its something Ive been thinking about for quite a while as I frequent childfree boards.

As for the OPs concerns I understand how she feels there is something wrong with her becuase she does not want kids, everyone wants to fit in with their peer group. However, I think the bigger issue is that she is not comfortable with her own feeligns. Maybe becuase she is younger, when I was younger I questioned my self a lot mroe, Im 29 now. Hopefully she will become more confident in her own feelings as she grows older. However, I think if someone is really making themselves miserable constantly over whether or not to have kids and they are young and the pressure is only going to increse iwht age maybe a sympathetic counslor will help. You need to find someone though who is truly neutral on the issue and is not going to shove the idea of motherhood down her throat.

I have a hard time understanding the appeal too. It's unsettling to think that all those parents are here lurking, as Elise pointed out. I suppose being CF is still such a taboo that some people are genuinely curious. Also, I'm sure that some parents who post & lurk here secretly wish they were CF. Personally, if I found myself spending time on a mommy board, I'd start to wonder if I was interested in having children.

I'm not against parents posting on this board either, except for the ones that feel the need to go on about the rose-tinted joys of parenthood - if only we could see the light! Can you imagine if we started posting on parenting boards about how fulfilling our childfree lives are? Somehow I doubt that ever happens. Perhaps the best thing to do is ignore the trolls.

So nice to hear others feel the same way as I do...I have NEVER had that maternal instinct and have always felt like somewhat of a 'freak' because of it. I just wish I new some of you personally, because every girl I know my age and older is either trying to get pregnant, currently pregnant or just had a baby and can't stop gushing about it. Interestingly enough in my early twenties I was diagnosed with a somewhat serious medical condition that makes pregnancy life threatening to both me and the child I would be carrying....therefore I have a 'good' excuse for not having children. I don't know if that is just pathetic or poetic justice but it somehow makes me feel a little bit better about my decision not to have children. I think it's kind of sad that I feel like I even need an excuse.
Ps- I'm sorry for the loss of your baby dog. I totally understand how pets become your children. My kitties are my babies and the day I lose one of them will probably be comparible to loosing a parent or something. I'm always telling people how my pets are my 'kids' and they kind of laugh and give me look like I'm crazy or something. Oh well.
Nice to know others are feeling and experiencing some of the same things.

I am sorry that you do have a medical condition. At least you do have a somewhat positive thing about it. I know that to those women who want children it would be absolutely terrible, but for a CF woman, I guess it could be a blessing in disguise (as long as it's nothing too severe.)

This is really, really bad of me, and I've never admitted this to anyone, but sometimes I almost wish that I was infertile. Because then maybe people WOULD leave me alone. But I feel bad almost wanting that because there are so many people who ARE infertile who want kids, I feel like I shouldn't want that, even though I never want kids.

Hi everyone. I know you haven't heard from me in a few weeks. Life got in the way of my daily visits here. And I really missed you all. (I lurked a little off and on, but didn't have time to post)

As for the topics at hand:

I sympathize for you silverbobs, and I hope you will not be scared away from this board by the rather heated nature this thread developed. We really do want to be there for you.

Nearly all of us get a little hyper-sensitive when a parent stops by. This board is full of women in a minority. That alone makes a wary of "trespassers." I don't use that word to imply this should be an exclusively parent-free board, only to say that many of us take on a "gaurd the door" kind of stance when a parent arrives on the scene.

I also get that nervous fish bowl feeling when a parent posts. ("OMG How long have they been reading this? What do they think of us? Am I going to hear my mother in another woman's voice? How many parents are going to show up?")

This is my safe zone. This is the one place in my life where I am certain I will never hear any implication of "you'll change your mind one day." At least that's how I feel until I see a parent post. Sorry, I've babbled on (again), but my point is that while hearing from the other side is in theory acceptable, it is not necessarily comfortable. I only wish parent posters would consider that when they chose how they phrase their comments and how they respond to ours.

When and how...how about parents considering whether to post, and considering it long and hard, each and every time they are tempted to do so?

I guess that's expecting a lot, given that this is an open forum. But I have come to expect a lot of this forum, in general. It's thoughtful, not riddled with grammatical laziness or ineptitude that makes a post (even if built around an excellent point) harder to understand, and generally mutually respectful.

Say that you're having a heartfelt conversation with a girlfriend over lunch at a nice restaurant. You've gone on together, at length, about many important and sometimes somewhat personal things. All of a sudden, a person at the next table stands up, comes to your table, taps you on the shoulder and says "You know, I was just thinking about what you said ten minutes ago. I really can't agree at all" or even "I heard what you were saying about (x topic). Really interesting. Here's how I handled that differently from you".

The person from the other table might have some really valid points. They might be quite well-meaning. But they had to work really hard to listen to your conversation from their seat at the other table. You and your friend would be unsettled, and probably lose your appetite for the same kind of conversation for the rest of the meal. The fact that the other diner felt that their input is valuable is one thing. Appropriate is quite another.

It is unsettling...every time it happens.

I don't expect parents to stop posting here, since it's possible for them to do so and somehow they seem to feel entitled to do so. That doesn't mean it's the right thing for them to do. Well-meaning? Quite possibly. Valid? Sure --- in a very general way. Appropriate? Not really.

Perhaps next we'll have advocates for "alternatives to marriage" coming to the board to tell us about how marriage is an utter sham, and that we're fools for engaging in such a ridiculous way of life. Or they might put it in much more polite terms, like systematically listing how to file for domestic partnership, the legal benefits of doing so, and how DP has had a positive effect on their life. As odd as that sounds, such an occurence wouldn't be any more "off-charter" than parents being here.

Phew! There have been a lot of posts here over the weekend, I'm sorry I wasnt around to respond to them. Thank you to you ALL for your lovely comments- it's SO nice to know that I'm not alone in the feelings I am having.

A bit of an update on how I'm doing. I've had a real think while I was in the gym on Friday night and I'm starting to reconcile some of the feelings I've been having. It's hard to explain (and im sure many of you have felt exactly like this) but you go along (especially when you are younger) and you try to ignore the fact that you just don't coo when you see a tiny shoe in a shop. I'd been brushing under the carpet the fact that I can't even bring myself to utter the word "potty" or "dummy". Then one day something happens (in my case there is a birth in the family) and it hits you hard in the face and you are forced to deal with the fact that you can't get excited about this new baby and you haven't been whiling away the last 6 months knitting it cardigans out of anticipation

By writing here I was forcing myself to face up to the fact that I'm not really like all the other women in my life, and now that I have stopped burying my head in the sand I'm dealing with it much more calmly.

I had a great weekend this weekend, I went horse-riding, then I met my friends for a drink, then I went to a party Saturday night. Sunday, my husband and I went to the gym, then went shopping and fancied a bit of lunch- then we decided to stop out a bit longer and watch a film....The point of this ramble? I realised that I couldnt have done any of these things so spontaneously if I had children. I love my life exactly the way it is- so who cares if I'm not maternal? Being a mother is not the ONLY way to contribute to society- I'm an OK scientist too, so maybe I'll focus on recognising my worth that way?

We just booked a cruise for 2008 this morning too so that's another reason to celebrate being CF!

A much more resolved,
Silverbobs.