BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie- feel so inadequate

Hope, I know exactly how you feel. My brother and SIL are having their first and I anticipate everything revolving around them. Already, a trip that my parents planned to see us has been scheduled. I know that is just the beginning.

I joined a child free group in my area and this has helped big time. I may be left out of the mommies club...but I have my own club now Although seriously, the thing about all of us here is that we don't NEED the club. We are strong enough and independant enough to make sure we do what we feel is right for ourselves. Whether any of us ultimately have a child, the decision will be a good one.

silverbobs, I understand completely where you are coming from. I mentioned a similar feeling in some of my older posts. I wanted to want to have a kid!! But I didn't and that made me sad.

most husbands/boyfriends don't get why this is such an issue for us--but they are also not dealing with the conflicted feelings of doing what is right for you and what years and years of society has convinced itself is right....

Regarding all of the back and forth regarding Ali's posts: I think that how we read eachothers words has to do with our own experiences. Because I completely relate to silverbobs, and felt the same way at 23, I read her post and in my mind, she does not want to have kids, now or ever. I have the same feelings now, ten years later. But Ali may see it differently-at one point she did not want to have kids, like silverbobs, but then she did and she is happy with her choice. So Ali may look at a post like that and see it as more undecided. I think it is interesting how our own experiences make us see different things!

I am sorry to keep posting--but silverbobs, please don't feel inadequate. I used to feel like that also. But it seems that everyone feels inadequate about something! You are 23 and a PHD student! That is awesome! I know people who are in their 30's yearning for a masters or phd....and feeling inadequate!

I am very sorry about your dog. I wish people had more respect for the bonds that can be developed with an animal.

Chaco,

You really shouldn't apologise about posting too much - it's wonderful that there are so many posts from intelligent, mature and articulate people.

Chaco,

Good point, that we all read things through the glasses or our own lives. And it's even tougher over e-mail, b/c it can sound like someone is being really harsh, but they might not be trying to send that kind of message at all. I've seen a lot of misunderstandings erupt over the way an e-mail is taken.

When I get an e-mail from someone I know, I read it in their voice, as if they are speaking it. But we don't know each other on that level, so we don't know how they sound, or express themselves.

I hope she doesn't stop posting. It's good to hear opinions that are different. And often times they just strengthen our own resolve, whatever it may be.

I didn't say she couldn't post here. And my original post to her was not intended to "jump" on what she said.

What I didn't appreciate was the way that she responded to my post.

I never said that she can't have an opinion - I may not agree with all her opinions, but I do respect them. But not when she starts accusing me of jumping all over her and not reading the posts, etc.

I am not on this board to debate with parents. I am here to discuss CF with those who are CF or those who are fence-sitters. I hear enough of parents' opinions every day, and MY opinion is that I don't want to hear it here. I don't see what is wrong with that. It's an opinion. Which, of course, I am free to have and express, just as parents are free to express their opinions.

Yes, this is an open forum, and I'm not saying that parents can't post, but then they shouldn't be surprised if someone reacts to something they post in a way that they don't like.

I had read this article, and didn't realize Ali was referring to that, as I hadn't interpreted it as a "PPD women are terrible people!" article.

Ingilbert,

I didn't get the impression you were telling her to stay off the board. I was feeling guilty myself b/c I reacted to her post, too.

It's weird, b/c everyone should be able to comment, but then this is a very specific board.

I think it's similar to when I comment about someone's parenting, but I'm not a parent. I can still recognize bad parenting when I see it. But I guess on some level people feel like you shouldn't have an opinion unless you are a parent yourself.

I wouldn't comment on a parenting board, but that's just me. I have read that Bad Mommy blog though. I consider that research

Thank you, I'm glad that someone didn't think I was being a completely horrible person.

I didn't mean for this to be a flaming war. Did you read her last post to me? I don't think that anything I said warranted that kind of reaction. It certainly wasn't my nicest post, but as I said, I was really ticked off - more at the way that she had responded ("did you even read her post?") than at her original comment.

We'd be screwed if she left, I guess, since she is the "voice of reason."

I'm not trying to tell anyone what to do, but I do think it's strange that parents post on here. I always have. The only "parenting" board I've every visited is the True Mom Confessions and all I've done there is read. I don't visit parenting boards because I don't have children and what the heck would I have to offer in a parenting conversation? I know that a lot of parents who are posting on here feel they are offering up thoughts and opinions we've never heard before, but by and large, I have heard all of it before. Most of the people in my life have children, so I've heard a plethora of things.

I also don't think any of us here are all that unreasonable. We're adults who have chosen not to have children and that in itself is a very reasonable decision. I think, by and large, this is one of the most respectful and reasonable CF boards out there, so I'm not really sure we need a voice of reason. The vast majority of us on here have already chosen not to have kids. And yes, there are "fence sitters" who also post here, but they read and post here because it's one of the few places they can find a different point of view than the way they get bombarded with everywhere else.

For the most part, I don't read postings by parents. There are only one or two parents whose thoughts I'll read. I'm not saying this to be harsh or mean or exclusive, but I come here only because it's a CF board.