BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie- feel so inadequate

Yes, and sometimes people go crazy from all the stress of having a particular kind of career, but is that in and of itself a reason not to pursue that career? There is no definitive answer to that question. It is up to the individual.



I thought I was giving support. To recap, let me summarize my opinion about the whole situation:
If someone thinks babies are adorable and loves children and decides to have a child for her own reasons, I support her decision.
If someone thinks babies are adorable and loves children but decides not to have a child for her own reasons, I support her decision.
If someone thinks babies are slobbering monsters but decides to have a child for her own reasons, I support her decision.
If someone thinks babies are slobbering monsters and decides not to have a child for her own reasons, I support her decision.

Yes, Ingilbert, but Silverbobs did not say that she absolutely does not want children. She did say she does not want them now and has no instinctive draw to them at this moment. She did not say she is dead set against having children ever.

The phrase "if you have children" would perhaps have been a better choice than "when you have children".

Let's please try to separate cause and effect around here. Just as I support any woman who has doubts and questions about having children and who does NOT want children in her decision not to have one, I also support those who have fears and questions but who have not made the decision one way or another to explore the cons [i]and the pros of motherhood before deciding.[/i]

Absolutely. Ali, I appreciate your encouraging people to think it through, and then think it through some more (we'd all be a lot better off if more people thought it through --- although I suspect there'd be far fewer parents, were that the case). On the other hand, actually enumerating the pros of motherhood is not what this forum is about. I hope that we can continue to make the disctinction between encouraging people to think it through, vs. becoming yet another of the thousands of places on the 'net where the various praises of parenthood are incessantly sung. I think you see that difference, Ali, and I really appreciate your thoughtful posts.

OK, Ingilbert, let's look at your complaints one by one:


It's true that Silverbobs' position is difficult to interpret. However, look at what she says here:



I interpret this as saying that she has not decided for sure one way or another whether to have or not to have a child. Notice the statement "I CAN'T accept that I don't want children." To me, it sounds as if she is having a hard time analyzing things rationally because she feels so overwhelmed with guilt for not going gaga over slobbery babies. Hence, what I tried to do was remove or lessen the guilt she has over this (which she shouldn't feel anyway) by explaining that lack of maternal instinct for other people's slobbery babies doesn't mean that you will be an unfeeling mother if you decide to have children of your own. In other words, my intention was to reassure her and remove the guilt from the situation so she can analyze this more rationally. I am neither trying to encourage nor discourage her from having children. If she decides she doesn't want any, I support her. If she decides she does, I support her, as well. All I am saying is that she should not feel guilty for her ambivalence towards babies and children, for it is very natural even among women who become the most adoring of mothers later, if they so choose. (Did I include enough if's in there for everyone?)



Because Happywithoutkids included a link to a story about PPD/PPS.



I agree. But I wasn't speaking to you. I was speaking to Silverbobs. I have never suggested that you or anyone else on this board will one day want to have children.



I understand your defensiveness. I apologize if I sounded disrespectful. I didn't mean to. I actually thought I was being very careful not to step on any toes while simultaneously trying to comfort Silverbobs, who has not (from what I can tell) made a conscious decision either to have or not to have children and who just needed some reassurance. And incidentally, I do not see myself so much as a "parent" on this forum but as a voice of reason. If someone is behaving in militant manner, whether they have chosen to have children or have chosen not to, and I see a message they have posted that sounds intolerant, irrational, or militant, I will call them on it. That also means that if some parent gets on here and starts admonishing all of you, I will stand up in your defense (provided I read the message). This is the way I behave on my board, atheism, as well.

Incidentally, one of the reasons I began posting on this board is because a subject caught my eye. I do not watch this board any more closely than any of the others, and I post on several boards primarily because I am trying to get my own board (atheism) rolling and I was hoping that by participating in other forums I might get a few people to respond in kind and post on mine as well. Thus, if a subject interests me, I post on it regardless of where it is posted, but I do try to be careful to disagree respectfully and not to "preach" my own beliefs. I believe in tolerance, and I believe that personal decisions are personal decisions. What works for one person may not work for the next. And I don't believe I have ever condemned anyone on this board for their decision not to have children, not even once.



Then I will stop posting, in spite of the fact that I think that it is completely within my rights to respond to a posting about how horrible entitlement parents are, whether it is posted in this forum or the "We Love Babies!" forum. I don't limit the forum on Atheism and Agnosticism to atheists and agnostics only (and in fact I value the input of the few regular theists who post in our forum), so I assumed other forums worked the same way.



Nice. In case you haven't noticed, I wasn't judging you. I wasn't even speaking to you, not in that original quote anyway. Oh well. I guess I understand your desire to have a completely parent-free zone, so I'm out of here.

My apologies to all of you for daring to try to take part in the conversation and comfort a person in need.

I think you're being a little rough on Ali. Once upon a time, she had no kids, and I'm sure she went through the same doubts, fears and thought processes as anyone else. I'm also sure she remembers what it feels like. It would be sad to think that the act of childbirth makes you unfit to hold an opinion, and I for one enjoy her posts.

Because I'm no longer married, does that mean that I can't post here either? I'd hope not.

Ali please dont stop posting here,I really enjoy reading your posts and find that what you say makes alot of sense and your posts are full of good advice and a different perspective on things which is good to read. This forum is open to anyone who wants to post so please feel welcome here

Hi Ali,

The article I linked to isn't really about PPD. It's an infamous article, by a very famous journalist. She was commenting on a woman that had PPD, and subsequently killed her five kids.

But the thrust of the article, the journalist was identifying with the woman's plight as a mother. And went on to say that her friends also identified with how a woman could get to that place.

So it wasn't really about PPD at all, just someone having the courage to publicly admit that children can drive you crazy! She took a lot of heat for it, but it was really brave for her to speak out.

The wonderful thing about a job making you crazy is that you can get another, better one! That concept has been explored here many times. But if your kids make you crazy, you are stuck with them. That is a very common reason for CF women not having them.

I was just making the point that it isn't always happy ever after.

I think you had good intentions, and I'm not offended. I just cringe when anyone says "it will all take care of itself." Because it just aint so a lot of the time. I think that is the main thing everyone seemed to react to.

But you certainly have a right to speak your mind. It's just a hot topic and difficult place for your message to be heard.

You make a good point happy,its not like acareer that you can change because with kids you are stuck with them and that ios the one thing that terrifies me.
I am one of the ones who is having a hard time accepting that its likley I will never be a mother and that I feel alienated from my family. My s.i.l is about to have one and my sister just had one and I feel left out of the mommies club.Does anyone know what I mean or am I just being immature about this?

Unless their identities become hopelessly tied up in parenting (in which case you won't be able to bear their company anyway), your sister and SIL may start depending on you, in the next couple of years, to be their "tie" to the adult world. You know...somebody they can talk about grown-up stuff with. Most of the best parents I know a) don't focus solely on their children and b) welcome adult company when they can schedule it.

Try to stop looking at this situation as your being inadequate...think about it as a fork in the road. There are tradeoffs to choosing either one.

Elise

Thankyou Elsie I have never thought about it that way before. In the mean time I will try to be as supportive to them as I can.

Hope,

I know what you mean. I feel weird at a lot of events when I am the only one "without child." And I'm terrified of it, too. There aren't any guarantees. I guess I'm lucky I don't really want one, so I don't have to roll the dice.

They will probably loving having you around as the aunt, too. Because I don't have kids of my own, I take my 7 year old nephew quite a bit. It's a great break for my sister and parents. I get to experience just enough of the world of children, and then I give him back.

It is hard, though. Children are such a dominating topic of conversation. I think because it's easy to talk about, and everyone can identify. I would encourage you to tell them about what you are doing, and what's important in your life, too. And, as Eli said, they will get a glimpse of what else is going on.

I am giving you this advice, and it's what I need to do. It's weird, but I feel like I sound vain if I talks about my career/accomplishments. But I need to get over that, b/c that's exactly what other people are doing when they talk about their kids.

Diversity is good, and I bet you will be refreshing to them.