From a divorced, bipolar woman to a divorced, non-bipolar woman -- Needless to say, it was startling to read your post. However, my first reaction WAS and IS to console you that although the experiences of divorce may seem equal to death, by far the latter outranks divorce in pain, sorrow, loneliness ..
I still fight hugh waves of anger and grief from being divorced by my husband and I still fight to understand WHY he left. Although many of our problems were indeed caused by my illness, it was clear (via 20/20 hindsight) he should not have married me when we were both so young as he discovered once he was firmly in his career that he was attracted to different women. During this stage of our lives, my BP was not so terrible and I did not take my problems out on him.
It's late and I need to get my child to bed and I fear this email is wondering off point but I want to console you and say that it appears you are still blaming yourself. I read between the lines that you're trying to come to grips with the fact that he cannot contol his actions and thus is not to blame and worry whether you did the right thing.
As hard as it is for me to say this statement, you did indeed follow through on the best plan.
I had a million problems leading up to the divorce ... depression, a million nights of night sleeping well, anxiety, non-contact sexual abuse from my father when I was a young girl,(He used to unlock my bedroom door and lick his lips while staring at my private parts, having me sit on his lap while aroused .. I guess this situ would not be classified as non-contact .. it goes on ), BP mother, ... etc, etc, etc.
Your EX is responsible for his actions. It is unclear what he has done to you but you must repeat this statement to yourself:
I have a right to my own life.
The above was stated to me by my mom's sister. She said this statement about my EX, that HE had the right to choose his own life. This statement is from a woman who lost her husband to lung cancer when they were both 46 yrs old leaving her with a severe Down Syndrome child and three boys who all went on to have great problems with alcohol (their dad was alcoholic).
Although I have BP and ADHD, a history of sexual abuse in my family, a mother who was so tired of child rearing that she didn't hardly have a conversation with me my last two years of high schools ...
I am very thankful that my EX saved me. If he hadn't been there for me in HS I'm not sure I would have made it. We were HS sweethearts and were married 23 yrs having lived together for two more. Unfortunately for me, he married his long-time co-worker. They and two others started a tech biz together; the co. has almost 100 people and generates over 4 million in revenue each year. It was clear he always respected this person but I never knew how much.
A successful career has always been a problem for me. Although I made key mistakes early in my career, I never repeated them (expressing anger). As hard as I tried at jobs, I never have succeeded. I made sure that I was never angry towards, worked hours and hours but somehow it has always turned out the bosses don't like me and I either get fired or it becomes clear they would like me to quit.
I'll try to finish with saying that it would appear your BP ex-husband is at a stage in his illness where he believes it is okay to hurt you. I would venture to say that he is hurting you because he hates himself.
Although I did hurt my husband because I hated myself, we also had undefined martial problems that exacberated (sp?) our difficulties.
Bipolar Disorder is awful, awful, awful, awful ... Be kind to yourself, realize that your EX is ill, breath deeply. "smell the sunshine."
(And, BTW, my mother couldn't be more supportive of me now!)
