BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids loosing friends?

Christine, what I think is really unfortunate about your situation is that it sounds like your friend has a good husband with regular hours....I would think he could handle the kids alone for an hour or two. Does he not offer to do this? Or does your friend think he is not up to the job?

I hate to sound harsh, but if a friend cannot make the time for me, there is only so long I will go out of my way for them. Kids or no kids.

The whole hanging out only with other moms thing bothers me, though at this point i am not likely to seek out moms with kids under 12 as friends. My brother and his wife live in Atlanta. When they moved into their home three years ago, the new neighbors would stop by to meet them--and ask if they had kids. When the neighbors learned that they didn't, they never came back and virtually ignored them when they would wave hello. when they recently announced they were having a baby, my husband said, "well, it looks like their neighbors will talk to them now!"

For me, as frustrated as I have been by this as I have gotten older, the reality is that I never had a lot of success with girlfriends anyway. I am very independant and it has always been a struggle to find women that were comfortable with who they are. This just seems to be the most recent version of the same issue for me.

On the positive side, and I know this has been mentioned on this board before, but I went to my first outing yesterday for the group No Kidding! here in my area. It was great! What a pleasure to be with people in the same place in life as myself! The fact that we were childfree was discussed for all of 5 minutes. And then we hung out for another three hours. Christine, I recommend filling your life with other things and friends and let your friend come to you when she is ready to be a friend to you and not just a wife and mother.

Thanks, Jez & Chaco,

My friends hubby is a great Guy and I'm sure that he would take care of the kids, but who knows, I know she always thinks that she does everything better than him, which is not true, she's a control freak with the kids, like "her way or the highway". The times that I have come over, she always treats him like a child explaining what to do with the kids while she's gone, it's really degrading to him as a man that is fully capable of taking care of the kids while we go out.

Thanks for everyone's input, I know now that it's not just me that is going through this.

I will try to meet people w/out kids or older people that my husband & I can realte to as well.

Christine

I was reading a parenting board recently and the subject was the mothers were unable to leave their kids with the father. Apparently there are a lot of dads out there who simply refuse to be alone with their own children for any amount of time. The moms were saying they can't even leave the house for 30 minutes without making special arrangements in advance, and even then the dads complain about it. There were a lot of posts that said this! They were wondering how they could retrain the dad's behavior so this could change. I was horrified. I have a friend who doesn't like her kids to watch TV, but every time she leaves them alone with the dad he just plants them in front of the TV. Then they have a huge fight when she gets back.

Which reminds me (this is kind off subject), when I used to babysit, I'd pray we could just watch TV the whole time so I wouldn't have to figure out how to entertain the kids. Now I barely ever watch TV, and certainly wouldn't want to raise a kid who was hooked on it. But I know so many parents rely on it for a moment of peace, and I would be tempted to use it myself.

I've got some friends whose husbands are like that. It's unlike anything I've ever seen - the most self-absorbed, selfish group of men...and entirely sexist. They really get upset if their wives ask for a night off, yet not only do they get to work outside the home, but they get to hang out with their friends and take weekends away with family and friends. There's no way I could ever put up with that.

It is ironic--those of us who don't want kids likely have husbands that would be more than willing to pitch in-maybe even do the majority of the work!

Christine, it sounds like your friend has set herself up in the mommy role. It gives her an identity. By the way, I love hanging out with older friends. It is such a pleasure to spend time with people who are happy where they are in life!

In me experience, nights out with the girls for me and nights or days out with the guys for hubby (for him, it's more "days"; he's into marksmanship and he'll go to the range with some guy pals) are the best. Our interests overlap, but they are not identical. We spend most, but not all, of our leisure time together. It's so wonderful to go out and have different experiences, sometimes; it makes for great conversation at the dinner table. Hell, sometimes I'll even take a weekend vacation without hubby (going to visit a girlfriend in a nearby state). Absence does make the heart grow fonder, in my experience.

As for the buys Snooks references...sounds like they're the Neanderthal types who call their wives the "ball and chain" or "the little lady" while being utterly serious...ewwwww...

Elise

I've known women who were so uptight about their childrens' care that they wouldn't LET their husbands take care of the kids on their own, because his guidelines were a little different from hers, or he would let them do things she never would (okay, let them drink Hershey's syrup straight from the bottle once in a while, really, it won't kill the kids). I also know women who get so much "enjoyment" from their children that they don't WANT to spend time away, which boggles my mind, even when their husbands are willing and able to take care of the kids. They feel guilty if they take an afternoon/evening for themselves. I don't get that either. Even moms are adults and should be able to indulge themselves without giving themselves a guilt trip once in a while. It does seem easier for men to get away from the kids than for women, I agree.

Cindy

These are the kinds of women whose kids stay as far away from them as possible, as often as possible, as soon as they are able (usually high school) --- and that's if they're basically psychologically healthy. The ones who have wilted under the "helicopter parent" treatment turn into veritable hothouse flowers: very low on resourcefulness and initiative (I see this a lot in my work with high school kids).

It's not just that these parents are annoying to watch. It's that they are really doing their kids a disservice, in the mid- to long-term. Be there when your kid fails, but sheesh, let him test his wings a bit on his own (in whatever way is age-appropriate).

Chaco, I agree exactly, she is definatly in the whole mommy role, and for having older friends, my husband & I have some of them too and It is refreshing to hang out with them b/c their kids are not the focus of the conversation.

hi! it's so nice to see someone else posting from my area! i work part-time at my gym and i see the "mothers bonding" thing quite a lot. i sometimes really feel left out of conversations but i try not to let it get to me.

luckily for me so far i only have one close friend who has kids although i know that will change with a few more of my friends in the next few years.

even though my friend with kids and i are still close our relationship has definitely changed.i've accepted it but it took a while.

indigo