BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Breastfeeding

The topic of the whole pregnancy/breastfeeding thing came up, and it brought up a question that's been on my mind.

I understand, on an intellectual level, that there are women who want these experiences. I respect that, but it's just not something I want to do and can't wrap my head around wanting it. I think the breastfeeding thing bothers me the most. I have read about it, and my understanding is that's it's better for babies, but I'm really turned off by the idea. It's not the only reason I don't want kids (I just find the idea of motherhood really suffocating), but it was a factor in my decision. I've done a lot of reading and research on it, and some of the stuff out there freaks me out, like women who decide to bottlefeed being harrassed and criticized. I don't have an issue with people wanting to nurse, but the idea that I could be bullied into it helped scare me off of parenting. It just seems like mothers don't have a lot of choice in the matter (the NY Times actually had an article titled, "Breastfeed or Else"). I just think, why would I want to put up with this stuff?

So my question is, "If that's what's best for babies, and I'm not willing to do that, should it automatically mean someone's not cut out for motherhood?" I've already decided to be childfree, but I thought it was an interesting question. I have a friend who says no, that someone who's not willing to do that shouldn't have children, but I know people with other opinions.

I was raised on formula, and I turned out just fine, as did both my brothers! And if anyone told me that my mother wasn't cut out for motherhood, I would tell them where they could go. I can't imagine a more loving, nurturing, caring mother, and I don't feel like she did me any disservice by not breastfeeding.

I was raised on formula too. I was allegedly one of those babies who refuses to do it. I turned out okay, except for my resistance to childrearing.. ha ha.

But I'm not perfect healthwise, and have actually wondered about this. I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease when I was 18. They don't know the cause of it, but I did read somewhere that there is some suspicion it can be traced to dairy milk. Maybe there's a connection, but who knows. Anyway, my mom was very loving and kind when I was a kid, and I'm glad to be here nonetheless.

I've always been squeamish about the idea of breastfeeding too, but part of me yearns to experience it. But I bet it would get old pretty quick, especially when you get sore, chapped, or bitten. I think I'd like the bonding, and the breast size increase.

Hey Karyn,

Kind of the polar opposite with me, but I think my story proves your point, albeit from a different angle.

My mom has narcissistic personality disorder and has turned into a wildly unhappy elderly woman with no friends (who only focuses on herself and has no insight as to why she is so alone in life)...but man, was she ever the evangelist for breastfeeding. She always raised me to believe that motherhood was the best thing a woman could do with her life (although she gave up a lot to be a mother, from a glamorous single life in her 20s to a cool job as a civil servant for the US air force in post-WW2 Germany).

She always spoke glowingly of motherhood, but when pressed for details, it was more about mothering *young* children, childbirth, and breastfeeding (she always spoke of breastfeeding like it was practically a sacrament...again, the paralells between parenting stories and people talking about their drug experiences come up!). I think it's because young children don't talk back; young children don't have strong wills of their own. I can safely say she was a good mother of *young* children (my therapist says that it's easier to "play a role" of a parent when one has young children; there's more societal support and less variability in the child's problems); it's when we got older than the limitations started to show.

I was breastfed until 17 months (she was always really self-congratulatory about that; she was always "ahead of her time", in her estimation; not many people embraced breastfeeding in the mid-1960s). That did not make her, overall, a nurturing mother; in fact, as I became an older child, a lot of our relationship was about my serving her needs (particularly to be her "best girlfriend", even to the point of her telling me she was feeling seriously suicidal, etc. As a single parent, you don't tell your 10-year old daughter about things like that...you get yourself some adult friends, a therapist, a pastor, etc.).

Elise

I don't have an issue with women nursing, but for heaven's sake, please do it in private! I know there are all kinds of "mother's rights" groups out there trying to say that it should be socially acceptable for a woman to nurse in public, but I have seen enough of stranger's boobs to say I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANY MORE! If I walked around with part of my breast hanging out of my shirt, I would get in trouble.

I don't understand why these women can't pump at home and bottle it up. My sister froze some of her milk so that if she had to go out and it would interrupt the feeding schedule, she would have milk ready to go, just thaw it from the freezer and pour it in the bottle, throw it in a cooler (or in this case, warmer) and voila!

There are ways to feed your newborn in public that do not involve exposing yourself.

Elise,
My mom did a similar thing to me with the best girlfriend role. I was okay with it when really young, but as I got older resisted it more and more. When I was 13 she was asking me whether she should break up with boyfriends. Now I hear about her suicidal feelings and terrible internet dating sexual escapades. She has no boundaries and it bothers me intensely. When we talk I just tune out and let her babble on. She too has no idea why she she has trouble making friends. She wishes she had more kids so she was less lonely in her older years. The only people who put up with listening to her are her obligated kids. Ug.

Frieda,

If you'd like to read a blog I keep on all of these issues with narcissism in my family, let me know! It's amazing how one can nod one's head, hearing these stories...

elise DOT m2 AT gmail DOT com

Every aspect of breastfeeding freaks me out. And considering I'm naturally a DD, the thought of "the girls" getting any larger has absolutely NO appeal. I have enough trouble finding bras now! My first thought is that my boob would be larger than the kid's head - that can't be good ("where's the baby? oops..."). Then the whole business of a fluid seeping out of you - ick. And in public??? Hell no. I don't wanna see it and I sure as [censored] ain't gonna do it! No to mention the "leaking" at feeding time or pumping (aren't tose called milking machines on the farm). No thank you.

And, yeah, I'm all for rights and everything, and I don't have a problem with the public thing IF it's covered. But I've seen TOO MANY women flop that thing out and strap the kid on and go to town. My SIL (who nursed her kids in public) made some indignant comment about requiring women to cover themselves, and I said "I'm sorry, I'm the wrong person to have this conversation with. The whole breastfeeding thing completely freaks me out." and walked out of the room.

TBunny,

I resemble that remark as well...I'm naturally a D!

Another issue for me (at the risk of continuing to overshare!) is that, from what I've been able to understand, my breasts play a much larger part in sexual arousal, for me, than is average for many women. The very idea of having that compromised/taken away/drastically changed scares me --- and pregnancy and breastfeeding pose a very real risk of that.

So...I guess it's not just in the CF sense that I'm wired a bit unusually...

(Mike, we might have to ask you to cover your eyes and ears for a few minutes).

I dont like the idea of breastfeeding but if I choose to have kids I would probably do it becuase it is best for the baby and it reduces the risk of the child developing allergies (I could never deal if my child developed allergies to pets). However, I think its horrible the way moms who choose not to breast feed are criticized. My goddaughter could not be breast fed because her mom had difficulties when she told the lactation consultant she was giving up and switching to formula they told her she had to go through a mourning period becuase she failed her baby. Fortunately she is a practical woman and new she had not failed her baby but she told me lots of family members judged her harshly.