BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Doubts? More or less as you get older.

I am about to turn 29, not very old I know or at least I hope, but still my last yeear in my twenties. I have some conflicting feelings about being childfree. I cant imagine myself with a kid, although I liek them, and when friends get pregnant although I like the kids I actually feel a wave of fear like "oh no more pressure for me" I guess Im scared of entering the baby making decade of my thirties when all of my friends/peers will be having kids. On the other hand I actually feel surer every day that I dont want kids. I think its that the older I get the more the reality is that kids would be in the near future not five, ten years away and that makes me realize I just dont want them. Im wondering if other people feel the same way and got surer of being childfree as they got older, or if they got less sure? Even though Im sure I dont want kids now I do have this fear Ill wake up at 40 and regret not having kids and it will be too late to do anything about it. Also Im kind of scared of being a social outcast during my thirtis and forties and being the only one without kids. Am I nuts?

I am 32 and going through the same thing. I don't think you are nuts. I go back and forth as to whether these feelings are biological (like my clock is ticking and my body wants kids but my mind does not) or societal (everyone has kids, I feel left out, etc.) I mentioned in a previous post that a few months back I started having one day a month where I am very emotional. During this time it is not that I want to have kids---it is that I WANT to want to have kids.

I have been thinking about this a lot, because when these feelings first started I wondered if I was changing my mind like everyone said I would. For me, a big part, I believe, was that I was feeling like a social outcast. Everyone I know has kids or is dreaming of kids. My younger brother and his wife just announced they are having a kid and I felt that because they are producing the grandbaby they will receive all of my parents attention...On this day each month I just want to be like these women, most of whom's main goal in life is to reproduce. How easy I think--if all i wanted out of life was a kid. That is why I sought out this site.

Another part for me, I believe, is that as I approach my mid-thirties there is a finality to the decision to remain childfree that was not there before. I would get so angry when people would tell me I would change my mind. No one really tries that anymore and I guess in a way that upsets me. Not sure why, really. I look really young and have some friends in their mid 20's who forget how old I am. One of them, I think in an effort to make herself feel better for her desire to have kids, tells me about her sister who never wanted kids but changed her mind at 30. I remind her that I am 32 and she is like, "oh". I think I, and those around me, realize that the "choice" won't be there all that much longer for me--at least without possible complications and/or "help".

I have been confident in my decision since I was 20 and I don't think that has changed. Sometimes I just yearn to be like everyone else. In my case that does not have much to do with kids. I have always been incredibly independant and somewhat of a loner. For the most part I love this about myself. On rare occassions I will wish to fit in and have girlfriends to shop and gossip with. But then I go out one day with the group and am bored.

Sorry for the tangents...remember that if you do hit 40 and suddenly want kids, you could certainly adopt. That is what my husband and I talk about. Since we love teens we think if we ever want to be parents, we will adopt some siblings over 12. Why make my own kid when there are plenty already here?

I don't think being a social outcast is such a concern--it just becomes harder to talk to and hang out with people you may have in the past. It is more difficult to meet people because everyone with kids is traveling in the same circles. I will be going to my first outing of the group No Kidding! in a few weeks and am hoping to find people who are in a similar place in life.

I am 27, and I actually DO want kids, but am not in any rush, and I have to say that (even as someone who feels pretty certain about kids in the next five years or so) I am also subject to the societal pressures. Most people I know are married and breeding by now, it seems, and I'm just not ready for it.

However, I totaly respect and empathize with those who are certain they do NOT want kids and everyone is like "oh you'll chnage your mind." Some people just know, and if you've never doubted that knowing, then trust yourself, I say!

Have either of you read the magazine "BUST"? It's is really inspiring, hilarious, and thought-provoking magazine all about women's issues and interests, but defintiely not mainstream. They address the child-free thing a lot. I recommend it.

Also, I am totally with you on how often you can't hang out with people after they have kids. I feel lucky that many of my friends remain the same people pre-kids and post-kids, but I have defintiely lost friendships with some due to them having kids and becoming strange new people who have no lives of their own and talk only about breast feeding, toys, mommy-and-me-gymnastics, and pre-school choices. And and about how they never have time for anything any more.

The biggest downfall of the points made in the discussion so far are that I truly think that YES, the attention will all go to breeding siblings. I mean, even jsut getting married gets you so many more privlidegs with the family than being single. You'd think your parents might want to "take care" of the still sinlge child, but mostly they want to buy furniture for the married couple. I'm sure it's will move exponentially in the couple's favor when they start reproducing.

Anyway, thanks for a good discussion. It's nice to chat with other women in similar space. The next thread we need to start soemwhere is about all the thing that happen to your bodies in your late twenties and early thirties. I mean you can find info anywhere about starting your period or going into menopause, but what about things like the way your skin changes or what happens to your period over the years or (gasp!) facial hair that just wasn't there before and so many other things?

I've never really had any serious doubts about not wanting kids. But in my late twenties and early thirties, I was questioning myself a little more. I was trying to figure out WHY I was different. It seemed strange that seemingly everyone else wanted kids and I didn't.

Now that I'm 36, I don't think about it so much. I am convinced that I made the right decision. Most people have kids without even thinking about it. Even though I did NOT want kids, I made myself think about it and consider the ramifications.

I really don't consider myself a social outcast. I consider myself somebody who knows her own mind and doesn't fall prey to what everyone else "wants." Really, don't people have enough to do without worrying about what I'm doing (or not doing)?

I'm very happy with my life the way it is. In fact, it's so full that I have NO idea where kids would fit into it anyway.

I think with age, I've gotten to the point where I live my life for me.

Honestly Im questioning it less know that Im 29 which is what I think is odd. its like every day I feel surer I dont want kids maybe becuase when I was 25 it seemed childbearing years where far off and now they are right around the corner

I vote for LESS doubts. I've found that as I get older I have fewer doubts and am more and more sure that I have made the right decision for me.
If I imagine having kids running around the house it just feels wrong, and I am soooo glad that I don't have to deal with a teenager.

I vote for LESS doubts. The older I get, I find I am more and more satisfied with NOT having kids (esp. as I start planning my next vacation!). I just couldn't deal with a teenager (I remember too vividly BEING one). I do get a kick out of my 12yr old niece who thinks she's "punk" - because I don't have to fight with her over tattoos, piercings, hair dye, clothing, etc. To me, she's cute. Not so much to her mother.

I'm 36 and would say my doubts are less, not that there were many to begin with. The concern when I was younger was that I would 'change my mind' like everyone seemed to believe I would. It simply didn't happen. When I think of what my life would be like now if I had children when I was younger, I see myself as stressed financially and emotionally, as well as working at a [censored] day job. There's just no way I'd have been able to develop my current business had I been a mom, let alone indulge my musical urges.

When I think of having them now or in the near future, I feel oppressed.

Hey Bassgrrl and Tbunny,
I am with you 100%. Definitely less doubts for me. Zero is a good number since I got snipped. When I look at the lifestyle my girlfriend and I enjoy, there is no way we could live our lives the way we do if kids were involved. She would have less time to paint and draw in the evenings. There would be less bike and ski time for me. We would get less sleep and have a lot of emotional and financial stress which we don't want or need. In the future if I feel any desire to be around kids, I'll volunteer with a youth or scout organization. There isn't any desire to that now either. When I have more time to volunteer, I'd prefer to volunteer with a bicycle advocacy organization.

Mike

Less doubts!!! My three neices stayed overnite recently, and lovely as they can be, yikes! Kids are mean, selfish, loud, and annoying. Especially when they're together, much nicer one at a time. I am SO glad I don't have kids.